AIBU to discourage DD's friendship due to the mum?

[WelcomeToMonkeyTown]

DD is 8 and has Asperger's.

She's very very literal- i have to be careful what I say to her as she really struggles if I've said something is happening and then it doesn't. She's having therapy to work on this as sadly it's something that is going to happen in life.

She's had a hard year at school with some low-level bullying, and has no friends at school. She has about 4-5 outside of school who are my friends' kids who she sees occasionally, maybe every 2-3 months.

One in particular is M who she loves. We don't see M often as she's very busy and very popular - always out at parties or play dates.

M's mum is very strict and will insist on work being done before playing. And if the work isn't done, you don't go.

We arranged to meet M at the pool yesterday, and M's mum warned me that M had to do her work first. She texted at 12 to say our agreed 1.30 meet was unlikely. At 3 I messaged asking how long she'd be as DD was getting upset & going back & forth to the pool entrance every 5 mins looking for her. M's mum then called and said sorry, M hasn't done her work so they aren't coming.

DD was gutted and now thinks M doesn't like her as if she wanted to come, she'd have done the work.

For context M was also 2 hours late for DD's last 2 birthday parties. This year her mum got the time wrong apparently. Last year she wasn't allowed to leave until she'd tidied her bedroom.

I know my DD has to learn that sometimes people let you down. And sometimes people say they'll do something and then don't.

But AIBU to think this friendship is going to cause more pain than it's worth?

And also AIBU to think that it's fucking rude to let us wait 90 mins and then say you're not coming ?! I respect her right to punish her daughter as she sees fit but she's punishing mine too, who has done nothing wrong.

I wouldn't be impressed at someone wanting to use my DC for them to motivate theirs do so homework. Raise your kids that way fine but don't bring other people's kids into it.

From the perspective of someone following the thread that was an excellent post op but additionally you're not in a court of law so you don't have to apologise for inaccuracies or explain yourself. The fact you have makes me wonder if you feel to blame for this whole occurrence. Maybe you learned lessons (hello parenting) but despite her popularity and playdates this is her, not you. She was rude and unpleasant to you and her daughter and is clearly quite odd.

If it was a successful policy she wouldn’t be late so much 😜

I think in future keep meet ups for when other friends are there too and they can join when they arrive. Ultimately their odd way of arranging things will only harm themselves. I would hate such poor timekeeping.

That mother sounds like an absolute horror.
I wouldn't dream of contacting her again.

A rude, ignorant horror.
Spare yourself and your daughter grief, never contact her again.

Yeah I find it odd to make your child do these jobs before arranged plans, then let everybody down if jobs aren't done in time. Surely it would be better to have the jobs done the night before.

I wouldn't bother making plans tbh

The mother thinks it’s ok to let people down so I wouldn’t be looking to her to be a good example of values.

I had a friend who was flakey, rather than militant. Same result. I also have two Sen DC who don't cope well if this happens.

I used to tell DC 'let's go to the park. We MIGHT see X today, if they can make it. If not, we'll have fun together.' or wait until friend texted saying they were on their way.

I never kept it a surprise as then DC would be hopeful every trip.

Tbh I just kept it casual & low expectations. And we didn't sit around waiting for them.

Christ she sounds like a total nutter! Her kids are gonna hate her.
Totally selfish behaviour, I would never use those consequences to punish my child as I know I couldn’t let other people down if I’d arranged to meet them particularly not someone else’s child. People like her are controlling and selfish. I hope your child knows M was upset that she couldn’t go, It’s a shame for your DD but do what you can to find other reliable friends for her. That mother needs some consequences for her actions towards others and no doubt her kids will give her them when they seriously rebel in their teens.
Maybe next time offer to pick up M and take her somewhere with your DD or back to your home for a play date without the nutter mother being invited and don’t tell your DD what is happening until she’s actually in the car. The mother may get the hint there is consequences to her actions then. What a horrible woman doing that to your DD I couldn’t hold my tongue on this one OP if I were you.

Bloody love this! 🤣