Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

[GoogleWhacking]

My DSD is 18 soon. She has been out of education, training and works 10 hours a week. Her Mum earns more than DH yet is terrible with money and so he has always been not only paying maintenance over the CMS rate, buying all clothes and paying DSD phone and dental fees (needed private braces) but also paying some of ex partners bills, servicing her car etc. I have no problem with this, it benefits DSD so why would I.

DSD has been barely attempting to get a job after being chucked out of college in Sept last year. Her mum is (illegally) still claiming child benefit for her. DH feels like he should continue paying child maintenance for DSD after she is 18 as her Mum can't cope without it and would have to move. To be clear, she could afford her house if she wasn't so shit with money. For example she refuses to ring Sky to change her plan despite her not watching it and them charging her £185 a month for it because she doesn't want to talk to them.

DSD mum doesn't encourage DSD to apply for jobs and so DSD just sits at home or at her mates.

I think he needs to use the discussion of DSD turning 18 and child maintenance stopping as an opportunity for Mum to encourage DSD to apply for jobs, but DH feels guilty and won't. My argument is when does he stop paying then?

I'm not saying we cut DSD off of course we will still spend on her and pay her phone bill, but if it doesn't stop now when does it? Will we still be subsidising her at 28 because her Mum needs the money?

My own children got jobs when they weren't in education and I'm getting a bit fed up of her not even applying for a proper job. AIBU?

TL:DR when do we stop paying child maintenance? AIBU to say when child becomes and unemployed unmotivated adult?

Would she be better moving in with her dad? To get help getfing some focus?

Take the mother out of the equation and think of it as would you still house clothe and feed the daughter if she lived with you? Would you tell her no job / college = no home or maybe no WiFi/netflix/spending money? It's all very well in theory but most of us wouldn't stop feeding or housing our child at any age no matter how unmotivated they were so if the resident parent is doing that then I think her non resident parent should too.

I think it's fair enough to cut it back to a reasonable rate with fewer "extras" but CMS is hardly a generous % .. unless your DH is a v high earner. I don't think he needs to be paying for her car service etc and a stern words need to be had with the dd about what she's doing, but its not easy right now for young people to get a job. Studying isn't for everyone so I feel for those who are in that position. Communication and keeping the daughter as the focus are key here. It's not about the mum.

The whole thing is ridiculous. He's paying for car maintenance and she earns more than him? He needs to stop paying and encourage his daughter to get a job. If she's got no money she doesn't have a phone.

He needs to stop paying, @GoogleWhacking . He really does.

He thinks he his caring for his daughter and I get it, he wants her not to go without. Thousands of men aren't as good as him.

But in reality, he is just underpinning his ex's terrible financial decisions. He needs to cut back a bit so that his daughter steps into the light and works out how to make money, and also so that his ex wife stops playing games and blanking out reality.

How much is he giving his ex-wife?

I don’t think it’s reasonable to cut them off the moment she turns 18, but I think it would be ok to set a deadline to incentivise her to find training / work.

At which point any money can be sent to the daughter rather than the mother, which presumably will stop the issue of him funding his ex-wife’s house etc.

Can she live with you instead?

Stop maintenance to the mum but give the dsd money directly for useful things like fares to job interviews! A period living with you and learning a good work ethic would be even better

He needs to stop paying money to her mother. By all means he can continue paying for things for DSD herself. But after she turns 18 he shouldn’t pay a single penny to her mother.

This!

I would stop paying child maintenance - as child maintenance - at 18, because she is no longer a child.

After 18 all money should go directly to her, not her mother, and her mother can then discuss with her what an appropriate and mutually affordable contribution from her to their household will be. The actual amount of money previously paid to her mother under the label of "child maintenance" might remain the same for a while, but just go directly to DSD. After all, one day (though presumably not any time very soon) she will move out, and her mother will need to manage without her at that point.

As for how much you should give her and for how long, that's a separate question. This might be a good time to discuss with her what her plans for the future will be and how she imagines funding adult life - does she plan to study, do vocational training, look for a full time job, etc. You could, for example, make it clear that you will provide a regular financial allowance for an adult child still in education or training but not otherwise, and give her a period of say a year during which you'll support her to find a course or a full time job.

Dh stopped paying the full rate when dsd was 18 as she had a full time job. Her mum chose not to ask for a contribution towards the household, which was her choice. But he continued with a smaller amount until dsd was a little older as the job wasn't well paid - he paid it directly to her.

After the payments stopped altogether, we made it clear we'd help with the cost of things wherever possible. So, for example, she moved out and we got her a fridge freezer. She decided to go back to studying, so we bought her an iPad to support her essay writing etc. This is exactly what we'd do for the dc that dh and I share together.

Absolutely this. No more cash for Mum and support for DSD when needed.

It’s his choice. I’m not sure how you’re so knowledgeable about his Ex’s financial dealings - how do you know what she pays for Sky???
It may irk you but I’ll reiterate - it’s his choice.

Because every year or so DH tries to help her with her finances to get out of debt. We know all her finances. We are friends with her, this is not an acrimonious relationship

Is this really true? Sorry to derail but I can’t believe that Sky are charging anyone that much!? We don’t watch sport but get drama and movies (also kids, news, documentaries) on Sky via Now TV for under £20. I’m fascinated to know what extras £185 gets you? I can only think it’s internet, mobile phone contracts etc but that still seems steep!

For all those suggesting we pay it to DSD, I just see that as encouraging her to do nothing for longer.

She is absolutely welcome to come and live with us. She has her own room here, she doesn't want to as we will make her look for a job.

This isn't so much about money as about not encouraging DSD to have no aspirations. I'm not saying we will cut her off but this situation cannot continue indefinitely.

I never gave my own children a penny apart from a roof over their head and food when they weren't working. I feel like we should do the same to DSD.

She has had one interview in 9 months!! She wanted a new phone and so I said we would get it on condition she applies for jobs. That was why she had one interview. She got the phone and hasn't applied for anything since!

I think she got it on a deal years ago including sport and cinema and has never renegotiated with them so it just keeps going up!

Well that's a bit extreme. It is normal and healthy for parents to provide their children with some degree of financial assistance.

I understand your concern but there should be some middle ground here. Is the help your dh provides putting pressure on you financially?

I agree with may PPs here - he should stop paying anything to the ex, but sit down with your DSD and state that he will fund/contribute to her on the proviso she gets back into FT education/vocational training. If you could bear it, I’d offer her to stay with you for a year while she does so, so that you know she is the direct beneficiary of any money he is providing. It’s perfectly acceptable now she is a legal adult to sit down and make it clear that privileges (such as dad’s money) is earned and that she has to step up.

Our local tech offers access diplomas and BTECs, many of which are free to 19yo if they do not have a L3 qualification, so I’d really recommend supporting her in exploring that.

As she's now left full-time education it's not unreasonable to expect her to get a job.

How about this - you keep paying for things like phone and specialist dental care etc. The rest gets paid to DSD directly and it's up to her / her mum how much she pays in rent, but you make it clear that this will only continue for six months or, maybe, until her next birthday if it's not too far away. And the amount you're paying will reduce over those six months. Say, the first three months at full whack, then 75%, 50% and 25% for the remaining three months.

Or she can come and live with you. Is that a viable option to give her? Would you/DH want that?

For those saying not a penny to mum....she is still feeding and housing the girl. As the OP herself said, she did that for her own post 18 but no more. The dad should contribute to that feeding and housing which realistically the mum will be paying for. There's no way this girl is going to happily hand over the CMS to her mum from the sound of it so the result of giving it direct to her would be she gets a shit tonne of money for herself while sitting on her arse and mum pays for her essential living expenses. OP if it's really an amicable relationship I think a 3 way chat between you adults should happen to agree a way forward, with a discussion that the mum needs to support herself from now on (or give 6 months to get organised) or whatever.

The thing is, it seems like the mum isn't exactly helping the situation. She, and DSD, are just sitting around expecting to continually be bailed out by her OP's DH.

If the money goes to DSD then that at least means the mum will have to engage with DSD about money and may motive her to encourage DSD to get a job.

I read lots of post on here about single mothers raising children on benefits who still have to continue doing so when their child benefits stop at 18. Why should it be any different where the mother earns more than the dad?

The DSD is 18. Legally he has no financial obligation so any money he provides is purely voluntary and should really go directly to the DSD - with provisos as both parents should be scaffolding her into responsible, independent adulthood. The mother should have planned for this moment.

The CMS payments need to stop at 18 as otherwise the mum and SD are never going to learn to stand on their own two feet.

There's supporting someone and then there's being taken for a ride...

Yes the girl hasn’t become less expensive by having a birthday.

Also I’m always a bit cautious about these “ex is terrible with money threads.” I’ve known so many women who actually are the ones fielding the upkeep and doing the bulk of the parenting while ex writes a cheque and opines about how they could manage better.

That said, it isn’t helpful for the dd to not be pushing for direction for herself. I think that is where the emphasis should lie and the financial aspect will lighten once she starts to get herself on her own two feet.