Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

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My DSD is 18 soon. She has been out of education, training and works 10 hours a week. Her Mum earns more than DH yet is terrible with money and so he has always been not only paying maintenance over the CMS rate, buying all clothes and paying DSD phone and dental fees (needed private braces) but also paying some of ex partners bills, servicing her car etc. I have no problem with this, it benefits DSD so why would I.

DSD has been barely attempting to get a job after being chucked out of college in Sept last year. Her mum is (illegally) still claiming child benefit for her. DH feels like he should continue paying child maintenance for DSD after she is 18 as her Mum can't cope without it and would have to move. To be clear, she could afford her house if she wasn't so shit with money. For example she refuses to ring Sky to change her plan despite her not watching it and them charging her £185 a month for it because she doesn't want to talk to them.

DSD mum doesn't encourage DSD to apply for jobs and so DSD just sits at home or at her mates.

I think he needs to use the discussion of DSD turning 18 and child maintenance stopping as an opportunity for Mum to encourage DSD to apply for jobs, but DH feels guilty and won't. My argument is when does he stop paying then?

I'm not saying we cut DSD off of course we will still spend on her and pay her phone bill, but if it doesn't stop now when does it? Will we still be subsidising her at 28 because her Mum needs the money?

My own children got jobs when they weren't in education and I'm getting a bit fed up of her not even applying for a proper job. AIBU?

TL:DR when do we stop paying child maintenance? AIBU to say when child becomes and unemployed unmotivated adult?

@BibbleandSqwauk The mother earns more than the father. The daughter can get a job and pay for her own food and towards her keep. She's also entitled to benefits. At 18 I was studying full time, living in a major city and working.

Yes the girl hasn’t become less expensive by having a birthday.

Also I’m always a bit cautious about these “ex is terrible with money threads.” I’ve known so many women who actually are the ones fielding the upkeep and doing the bulk of the parenting while ex writes a cheque and opines about how they could manage better.

That said, it isn’t helpful for the dd to not be pushing for direction for herself. I think that is where the emphasis should lie and the financial aspect will lighten once she starts to get herself on her own two feet.

As an independent issue, if the sky package is OTT, perhaps address that as a separate expense concern rather than a “this proves you don’t need any money whatsoever.” If you really are amicable that shouldn’t be too difficult a conversation. I mean couldn’t DH make the call to Sky? It’s a twenty minute task… it sounds as if the ex is not sure how to go about it. Some people aren’t good at drilling into those calls.

This!

Pay whatever your DH feels is appropriate amount DIRECT to DSD.

set up direct debit from DSD account for her phone bill or any other bills so she builds her credit score and to teach her that out of the money she has she need X amount to pay the direct debits.

If she was my daughter and 18 and not I full time education she wouldn't be getting a penny from me without having a job or if she was able to prove she had applied for several jobs and if she is accepted for interviews she must be going to them. Wouldn't matter if she got the job or not but she needs to be working or attempting to work full time hours

Seeing as you get on well. Cancel it for her have the details in front of you and cancel. Sky don’t know your voice or can see you down the phone. Some people just aren’t good at cancelling things as they feel some sort of loyalty to a big corporation.

But the DD has already shown she's taking the piss with the one interview. I know a young adult in a similar situation but working 20 hrs a week at a supermarket. His parent provides bed, board and WiFi but he pays for anything else and gives his parent £200 a month. It's a start. This girl is not yet showing any sign of wanting to grow up ..a birthday is just an arbitrary date. Clearly she is still effectively a child and needs support. It's not fair if that falls entirely on the mum. I don't disagree that all the adults need to work on incentivising her but giving her a few hundred quid every month seems counter-intuitive. It feels like lots of posters are just focusing on the mum not getting it at whatever cost, rather than looking at the reality.

Yes the girl hasn’t become less expensive by having a birthday
She has become capable of supporting herself though. Dad shouldn’t be paying her keep any longer. If she’s working or studying then by all means he could pay her a top up amount at his discretion. But not if she’s doing nothing, and not a penny to her mum.

Yes but if she isn’t generating income the mother still has to provide for her.

That’s why I said the emphasis should be on incentivising and driving the dd to get herself sorted, rather than this slightly bizarre punitive approach to the mum.

It’s really off when the mum left do the heavy lifting with parenting gets blamed for every shortcoming of the child. Children from the most attentive, two parent homes can be slow to launch and both parents are responsible for that. It shouldn’t be any less so in a split home. I think all this “not a penny more to that woman” is disgraceful. Single parents have a hard road.

I would stop paying. My kids know that when they stop being in full time education then they have to get a job and pay rent towards their living expenses. He is enabling her to not do anything.

Being rubbish with money is not an excuse to be a useless parent. If she would truly 'lose her house' if he stopped enabling her bad spending habits, that is entirely on her.

Considering you're all amicable, I'd suggest giving them a timeline of when payments will end. He could also start tapering down the amount to reflect the belief that she should be working. Obviously explain all of this to her with specific dates and reasoning.

Please do keep up the dental payments if you can (pay directly if necessary) as young people don't always appreciate/prioritise having healthy teeth!

If the 18 year old is still living at home then surely he still needs to help out. Or better yet, perhaps she should move in with her father and the OP and the mother wouldn't have to pay anymore

He's not giving money for his Daughter. He is giving money to his ex wife.
And you're watching him do it

Yes but if she isn’t generating income the mother still has to provide for her
No she doesn’t. The girl can get a job or claim benefits, or enter into education and get a student loan. Neither of her parents should be providing at this point beyond a top up.

OP I think you need to ask yourself how much of what you are being told is true.

lol I’ve had 40 birthdays and haven’t become any less expensive.

maybe I should be insisting my parents pay me cm 😂

it’s child maintenance. This is an adult not in education or training. She can support herself, even if it’s a supermarket job.

sit down with her, work out her monthly costs you are willing to help with. Divide by 2- mum pays half, you pay the other half to her.

18 is an arbitrary line. How is it that we are so understanding of kids developing at different rates until 18 and then suddenly, that's it, they're an adult, they have to act like a 35 year old. And if they can't? What? Chuck them out? Most of us know that isn't going to happen so as a pp said what happens in these scenarios is the RP gets stuck with it all.

It’s not her age that’s the line here though is it?

it’s that she’s an adult, capable of earning full time who is choosing not to because she prefers to sit and rely on her dad’s money.

no one’s throwing her out, and o/p has said she has the choice to live there if mum can’t continue supporting her.

the “arbitrary line” is their life circumstances. My child is going to uni- I will top up as necessary so she can afford to live. If she had got a job she would be paying me board and her own way. Her age is irrelevant.

Stop paying anything to the mother. She earns more than him, so she can finance her lifestyle, she just needs to manage it better.

If he still wants to contribute, pay a proportion of the money directly to DSD - not enough to incentivise her not to work, but enough to help her.

Put the rest of the money in a bank account for DSD to be used for helping her put a deposit down etc when she decides to move out.

Unfortunately it is true, we pay £190 to Sky which is an absolute rip off but that includes absolutely everything basically and the quickest internet for WFH! It is ridiculous prices

Yes but at 40 you’ve had rather longer to get yourself sorted.

Becoming an adult is a transitional process not a date on the calendar. I agree the girl ought to be applying for more jobs, but until she actually gets one, this self-supporting theory is just that: theory.

Or they go on benefits…

I agree. Children don’t stop being their parents responsibility 24 hours after their 18th birthday.

I wouldn't be paying.

I guess for fairness he could taper it off? Reduce by say 15% a month over the next 6-7 months so it's less of a cliff edge and give everyone fair warning.

If SD is making no effort to seek work I'd rather put it into a savings account than pay her directly.

I think he needs to sit down and tell them this is happening and offer reasonable support to help them transition in terms of helping her with CV, travel expenses etc but be clear in the terms.

The longer she leaves it the harder she will find it as funding opportunities for college, ages for training schemes etc will exclude her.

Dad isn’t saying he’ll pay nothing though. He’s happy to contribute to supporting his DD - but not for her to sit on her arse and do nothing.

My parents gave me extra money right through university, and they supported me when I moved back home aged 30 because of health issues that meant I was unable to work for a couple of years. There’s a difference between supporting a child who’s doing their best vs one who’s taking the piss and not even trying.

My brother has four kids and rather than going through CMS, he always paid maintenance direct to his ex-partner (he paid her a lot more than she would have received through CMS) as well as spending ad-hoc on the kids for extra things they needed/wanted. When his eldest son turned 18 and started an apprenticeship, my brother switched to paying his quarter of the maintenance money directly to him (until he finished his apprenticeship and started earning a full wage).

His ex kicked off on a grand scale and said that because the adult son was still living at home, she should still get the money. My brother told her that while he appreciated their son still lived with her, he was now an adult and therefore if she wanted his bills/food covered, she needed to ask him to pay his share to her himself out of his wages and the allowance he was now getting from my brother.

He did the same for his second and third children, and will do the same for his youngest when the time comes.