Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

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My DSD is 18 soon. She has been out of education, training and works 10 hours a week. Her Mum earns more than DH yet is terrible with money and so he has always been not only paying maintenance over the CMS rate, buying all clothes and paying DSD phone and dental fees (needed private braces) but also paying some of ex partners bills, servicing her car etc. I have no problem with this, it benefits DSD so why would I.

DSD has been barely attempting to get a job after being chucked out of college in Sept last year. Her mum is (illegally) still claiming child benefit for her. DH feels like he should continue paying child maintenance for DSD after she is 18 as her Mum can't cope without it and would have to move. To be clear, she could afford her house if she wasn't so shit with money. For example she refuses to ring Sky to change her plan despite her not watching it and them charging her £185 a month for it because she doesn't want to talk to them.

DSD mum doesn't encourage DSD to apply for jobs and so DSD just sits at home or at her mates.

I think he needs to use the discussion of DSD turning 18 and child maintenance stopping as an opportunity for Mum to encourage DSD to apply for jobs, but DH feels guilty and won't. My argument is when does he stop paying then?

I'm not saying we cut DSD off of course we will still spend on her and pay her phone bill, but if it doesn't stop now when does it? Will we still be subsidising her at 28 because her Mum needs the money?

My own children got jobs when they weren't in education and I'm getting a bit fed up of her not even applying for a proper job. AIBU?

TL:DR when do we stop paying child maintenance? AIBU to say when child becomes and unemployed unmotivated adult?

Well this thread is consistent,.

Always the mothers fault. 😐

What has Dad done to equip his 18 year old with the necessary life skills to make their own way in life?

At no point have I suggested that we are either encouraging her to get benefits or that we are trying to offload her at 18. I'm suggesting that she does what I, my DH, her mother and my own children have done and get a job!

I'm not sure it's JUST her fault but she's not exactly modelling any independence. And dad is teaching the daughter she can do fuck all and daddy will pay.

I was responding to the posters who suggested UC.

I agree she needs a job but until that is achieved it falls to the parents. I don’t see how some of these posters think it’s laudable to do otherwise.

He is a genuinely lovely person who is totally invested in our relationship. He is a committed parent who wants the best for his DD.

In response to others, I cannot tell you how much effort we have both put into supporting her. I've personally sat and done her CV with her, filled in applications and done interview prep. She failed her maths GCSE and got kicked out of college so struggled to find an apprenticeship and after a few applications a year ago got demotivated and seems to have given up.

We don't argue about money etc, this isn't about money, it is about DSD doing something with her life, rather than dossing about with no plans or aspirations.

Apologies. Yes I totally disagree with cutting kids off at 18, but they do need to start to adult!!

Just because you are (edited) crap with managing bills doesn't make you a lazy layabout or whatever mum has been called.

Mum works full time - that is a good example to set.

However, mum is crap at managing bills. Help in this area not derision on a parenting site would probably solve the situation.

All the adults in the 18 year olds life work - The Ex, The OP, The Mum. (although OP has not confirmed she works - I'm presuming)

These three people in the 18 year olds life need to support this young girl as a group - support her not punish her or give ultimatums - and not take pot shots at each other or make themselves out to be the wonderful parent compared to poor, useless, lazy mum. One Sky bill does not a monster make.

If the 18 year old is struggling then the fault is shared mutually between all 3 adults...this young lady did not lick it off the floor -

And, mum should not be the Fall Guy by default.

I don't think anyone on this thread has advocated cutting a child off. Just not financing a lifestyle of someone not prepared to work or study.

If the 18 year old is struggling then the fault is shared mutually between all 3 adults...this young lady did not lick it off the floor -

I thought the usual mumsnet opinion on step mothers is that they have no role whatsoever in raising their step children and shouldn't ever even presume to have an opinion?

I called the daughter a lazy layabout and the mum a useless example of an adult and the dad an enabler just so you’re clear. And I stand by it. Working or not, can’t phone sky. Ridiculous

can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves.

There may be fault and there may be no fault. Sometimes no matter how you bring a child up they behave in a certain way. I have two and they have been brought up the same way. They are completely different in their attitudes to money etc.

OP has just said in her last posts that her DSD has tried repeatedly at different things but has been rejected/unsuccessful. each time

DSD has now become unmotivated after experiencing numerous knock backs.
This is a different narrative to the original one where it was suggested that the DSD was lazy from the get go because of bad parenting and a dodgy Sky Bill..

More that she is dejected and wondering what is the point - rather than a natural layabout.
This young girl needs support and extra help to get her motivated to get up and try again. Not punishment and ultimatums.

I don't think it's reasonable to just say 'it's his choice'. OP is married to the father so it's family money he's spending.

Looks like you missed where OP said they'd be glad to have her at their house.

From her actual parents, yes. But i don't think they should continue to pay her to sit around and do nothing either because why would you bother trying to get a job if you didn't actually need to.

Hi OP, I'm sure this must be difficult but I'm wondering if there could be something else going on?
There are genuine reasons why people might struggle with money or struggle to contact companies like sky. For example I have ADHD/Autism and I really struggle to do things like that.
I'm not saying DSD is neuro divergent but it might be worth looking at her behaviour through another lense. Those things can be genetic. Equally it could be learned behaviour from her mum.
I guess what I'm saying is try not to frame it as a lazy teenager, try to look deeper and understand the why. More often than not it's more than just laziness.

You could well be right. I can only answer for myself.

However, if step mum/dad wants to genuinely help or support a step child then why not; as long as it comes from a good place?

However, bringing a personal dislike towards another person to a situation and/or taking pot shots off of Mum, really doesn't help anyone, especially the child/young adult in the middle. (General comment not just directed at OP)

There is also a time in any given situation where the best move for a step parent is to just step back and away; the trick is to be able to recognise that.

Not many do.

Thank you for this. I agree, DH (and I) don't want to alienate DSD and tbh he has been a bit of a push over in relation to financial support. I earn significantly more more than my DH and generally I pay for household things (mortgage etc) and he pays for food and DSD plus some fun bits. Frankly, we can afford to pay the CMS, but I just feel that it not helping matters. I also struggle with when do you stop paying if not when they have left training, education and are 18?

She uis 18. He pays anything he likes direct to dd
Dsd decides if she pays her dm board and lodging.
No need to go thru the mother any more

To be very clear DSD Mum works full time, she is not lazy, she is just shit with money! She is a lovely person.

DSD may well be dejected after her spurt of applying for jobs last year, to my mind that is still no reason to stop applying.

I have a very active role in DSDs life. We go on holiday together (just us two), I just despair at how to shake up this current situation.

I think a lot of newcomers to the job market are struggling atm. Do you know any friends she could do unpaid work for to boost her cv? This might also provide sone incentive to get a paid job …

That is very clear. Thank You.

And I would say somewhat rigid in thinking.

And a little cross. 😮

This is a very good idea OP. You never know what might open up for her on the job front or it may give her the drive to repeat her exams etc.

I also struggle with when do you stop paying if not when they have left training, education and are 18?

When indeed - if her mother can't manage her money and DSD hasn't got the work ethic, then there's never going to be a good time to stop paying. So best nip this in the bud.

OP I think you stop when the resident parent does - if the DSD gets a proper job and starts paying her mum rent etc then she is self supporting and CMS can stop - though in general parents may well still help their children beyond this with big things like car expenses for a while. However, while the mum is necessarily supporting her basic needs, the Dad should too. IF you really think the DSD would hand a portion of it to her mum for housekeeping then it could go to her but from what you've said that sounds unlikely. The mum's ability to ring Sky or whatever is completely irrelevant. She could be a millionaire and the other parent should still contribute. As long as she is housing and feeding the child out need, the other parent should contribute to that.