Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

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My DSD is 18 soon. She has been out of education, training and works 10 hours a week. Her Mum earns more than DH yet is terrible with money and so he has always been not only paying maintenance over the CMS rate, buying all clothes and paying DSD phone and dental fees (needed private braces) but also paying some of ex partners bills, servicing her car etc. I have no problem with this, it benefits DSD so why would I.

DSD has been barely attempting to get a job after being chucked out of college in Sept last year. Her mum is (illegally) still claiming child benefit for her. DH feels like he should continue paying child maintenance for DSD after she is 18 as her Mum can't cope without it and would have to move. To be clear, she could afford her house if she wasn't so shit with money. For example she refuses to ring Sky to change her plan despite her not watching it and them charging her £185 a month for it because she doesn't want to talk to them.

DSD mum doesn't encourage DSD to apply for jobs and so DSD just sits at home or at her mates.

I think he needs to use the discussion of DSD turning 18 and child maintenance stopping as an opportunity for Mum to encourage DSD to apply for jobs, but DH feels guilty and won't. My argument is when does he stop paying then?

I'm not saying we cut DSD off of course we will still spend on her and pay her phone bill, but if it doesn't stop now when does it? Will we still be subsidising her at 28 because her Mum needs the money?

My own children got jobs when they weren't in education and I'm getting a bit fed up of her not even applying for a proper job. AIBU?

TL:DR when do we stop paying child maintenance? AIBU to say when child becomes and unemployed unmotivated adult?

and as ive said already... when DD reaches 18, then the maintenance stops.. and no hand outs, no paying for mobile phone bills etc

DD will soon get sick of having no money

Darling mother needs to sort herself out. He needs to stop paying.

But she'll have food and a roof and clothes on her back, all provided by mum if dad stops paying. I think there are a number of entwined issues here .one is the amount of support a lazy/ immature 18 yo should get and the other is from whom. I have no problem with the support for the ex's bad budgeting coming to an end, probably should have done so long ago, but CMS itself is a different matter.

Child maintenance stops when a child turns 16, or when they turn 20 if they are still in full-time education or vocational training.

Your SC isn’t in FT education (it was her choice to leave) therefore the payments should stop.

By continuing to pay - you are facilitating 2 adults to either do nothing or mismanage their finances.

The fact that the mum can’t cope without the maintenance isn’t your problem. She needs to get a grip on managing her money and she would of known that maintenance stops at some point.

If your OH wants to give the daughter money that’s fine, but he should give it to her so she can start to manage her own finances (you don’t want the cycle of incompetence continuing).

If the mother is choosing to infantalise her daughter, that's her prerogative. Her daughter is 18 and can claim UC until she finds full time employment. That's approximately £300 a month some of which can be put towards her food and bills. She then gets a full time job and pays her way. She can also move out.

Quite.

It's precisely because I want to parent that I have those rules. It is good to be safety net. I provided a safety net to my dd when things went tits up for her when she was living away from home. But being a safety net does not mean enabling an adult to do nothing and not contributing to the household that they live in.

It depends on when she turns 18 - if it’s next week you need to give them more notice. I would give them a 3 month notice period that maintenance will be stopped/reduced and offer to sit down with them to sort bills, look at cv’s etc… Cutting it suddenly could cause financial issues for them and ruin your relationship - so I would ease them into it with the goal to make them both independent.

In terms of Sky and things like that my mum gets very stressed out dealing with these companies so I used to go on hold for her then when I was on to them I would get mum into the room to say she is the bill holder and I am authorised to speak on her behalf. Then on cancelling I ask them to send an email verifying and take the name of who I spoke to - Sky often have cancellations go astray and do make it difficult!

Your DSD may be feeling a bit depressed/have fear of failure if she dropped out of college - some people when they get a set back shut themselves away from the world (avoiding shame/fear/the situation) - getting a job/doing a course would be incredibly important or she could wallow/hide out and it could become harder to reenter the world (I did this a little when younger following redundancy etc). Given her mum avoids talking to people about bills this could be the case with your DSD - they could both have a bit of anxiety and are masking it by just avoiding certain situations.

I would go through her cv with her and really focus on the positives, lots of praise and suggestions if what she could do, talk about what she enjoys or finds easy - failing that maybe counselling - my older bro found cognitive behavioural therapy helpful! I definitely think continuing to pay is not helpful to them or to yourselves!

This is my point. This isn't about the money, it's about using the money to instigate some action. We would never cut DSD off but something needs to change to get some action.

Of course DSD can come live with us, but she doesn't want to.

I have already stated she is welcome here. She has her own bedroom here, she doesn't want to

I would stop paying in that case. She has options, she doesn't want to take them. I'd offer to support for like getting to interviews and stuff but his ex wife needs to pay her own sky bill.

Ofc neither of them can be arsed to do anything, they know he's going to bail them out.

This.

Then the daughter at least is in a position where she might get the idea if her mother then needs her to contribute for food / accomodation / transport.

Since he is having trouble, tell him he can decrease it over 5 months going down by 20% each month. So it stops at a set time and not just a jolt.

This way you can help her while doing it.
Get him to cancel sky for her whilst at her hoyse the first month. Saying it will cover the cost of the lost money.

If you ring up sky and say you're going to cancel they reduce it.

We do it every year.

Like I said she can sign up for UC and start paying her way.

If she's on UC, she's not paying her way. Taxpayers are. Benefits are for people who are genuinely in need, not for people who are capable of working but can't be bothered.

That’s exactly what I think.

It’s up to the parents to get her motivated and sorted with employment. That’s parenting- not cutting the cord, wiping their hands and steering her towards UC while patting themselves on the back for making her “independent.”

As a poster said above, people are so keen to have children then so keen to offload them the day the calendar flips to their 18th birthday.

And she wouldn’t be “paying her way” on UC in terms of the impact on society, just in terms of her immediate family.

Small wonder there is such a “borrowing and benefits” culture when this is seen as model parenting.

Ideally she would not claim universal credit. But if she does then at least she will get a work coach who will keep tabs on what jobs etc she is applying for. Often it takes an external person, young people are not very good at listening to their parents sometimes.

As a poster said above, people are so keen to have children then so keen to offload them the day the calendar flips to their 18th birthday.

16th birthday (or rather when they leave school in June) if they decide to leave education without getting a job or apprentiship. Sometimes a lack of money is needed to give a YP a kick up the backside rather than a sense of entitlement that someone will always pay for eveything.

Yes at least on UC she will get support to find work or an apprenticeship/training scheme.

plus while technically I get your point on it being “taxpayers” supporting, it will still be “her” money and the sooner she learns about budget, paying bills etc the better. She may also see that hang on? I get x a month, if I got a job and earned y I’d have z spare and can go out more/buy more make up/stuff.

sitting at home letting dad pay for things is no lesson.

I’m going to be shot but fuck it I’m used to it on here. I’d argue that if the parenting was done correctly preparing for being an adult, having a lazy layabout 18 year old wouldn’t be a problem. The hard yard parenting would be done in readiness for 18 years old - an adult. Of course support will be required but to fund a lazy layabout, no, something went wrong when teaching the kid right from wrong. In this case, mum is a fucking useless example of an adult and dad has enabled mum and daughter to be this way by thinking he was being kind.

Hi OP,

Given your strong work ethic which comes across in your posts, I presume ye both work - and both contribute to the Money Pot.

Although, you may not be able to convince your husband to cut off total support, you could, however, argue that half the money to support Ex and DSD is funded from part of your wages too and you are going to stop the half that you have been paying towards them. IYKWIM.

It is up to your husband to decide if he wants to continue to pay his share/half for the time being.

It is a tricky situation. Your husband is probably slow to take drastic action in case he alienates his daughter. Which is understandable. I would also advise caution in making too many demands - blood is thicker than water and you do not want to appear the 'convenient' baddie in this situation.

Yes quite. Let society shoulder the burden.

But don’t people have parenting skills that go beyond cutting off funding?

At 18 dsd is an adult. Time to stand on her own two feet with back up from your and her dad when it’s needed. The set up at the moment means she has the ideal model to just be like her mum —- someone else will provide.
And he should have cut off ex wife years ago. Who pays £185 to Sky because she doesn’t want to speak to them? Madness that your DH is indulging.

She can move in without a job, but she needs to look for a job. I think that is fair for any adult

Mmm I do wonder how the dh treats you op? He seems very preoccupied with keeping his ex wife happy. I know you say its amicable but I'm almost not sure if that's worse. It feels like he's still married to her essentially?