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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

133 replies

GoogleWhacking · 31/07/2024 08:18

My DSD is 18 soon. She has been out of education, training and works 10 hours a week. Her Mum earns more than DH yet is terrible with money and so he has always been not only paying maintenance over the CMS rate, buying all clothes and paying DSD phone and dental fees (needed private braces) but also paying some of ex partners bills, servicing her car etc. I have no problem with this, it benefits DSD so why would I.

DSD has been barely attempting to get a job after being chucked out of college in Sept last year. Her mum is (illegally) still claiming child benefit for her. DH feels like he should continue paying child maintenance for DSD after she is 18 as her Mum can't cope without it and would have to move. To be clear, she could afford her house if she wasn't so shit with money. For example she refuses to ring Sky to change her plan despite her not watching it and them charging her £185 a month for it because she doesn't want to talk to them.

DSD mum doesn't encourage DSD to apply for jobs and so DSD just sits at home or at her mates.

I think he needs to use the discussion of DSD turning 18 and child maintenance stopping as an opportunity for Mum to encourage DSD to apply for jobs, but DH feels guilty and won't. My argument is when does he stop paying then?

I'm not saying we cut DSD off of course we will still spend on her and pay her phone bill, but if it doesn't stop now when does it? Will we still be subsidising her at 28 because her Mum needs the money?

My own children got jobs when they weren't in education and I'm getting a bit fed up of her not even applying for a proper job. AIBU?

TL:DR when do we stop paying child maintenance? AIBU to say when child becomes and unemployed unmotivated adult?

OP posts:
Ottervision · 01/08/2024 09:39

When does it end though? What if she's still jobless and living with mum at 25? 30?

At what point are you like.... you're not a dependant child anymore?

BibbleandSqwauk · 01/08/2024 10:09

@Ottervision at whatever age you are able to access and keep a job that pays enough to live independently, or to live at home but contribute a realistic amount. There's no point people whanging on about what they did decades ago - its is HARD now for young people, especially if they are not traditionally academic and go to uni. The supermarket and retail work they might have got is now being done by older people with families to support on zero hours contracts who hoover up any available shifts, the apprentice schemes are very hit and miss and not the fabulous alternative they are cracked up to be. Add in post-covid issues, rising MH crises and its quite easy to end up as an "adult" who is nowhere near self supporting. My simple point is this - for as long as the young person requires parental support, they should get that from BOTH parents. The fact that they are divorced does not absolve the NRP of that responsibility.

Ottervision · 01/08/2024 10:17

BibbleandSqwauk · 01/08/2024 10:09

@Ottervision at whatever age you are able to access and keep a job that pays enough to live independently, or to live at home but contribute a realistic amount. There's no point people whanging on about what they did decades ago - its is HARD now for young people, especially if they are not traditionally academic and go to uni. The supermarket and retail work they might have got is now being done by older people with families to support on zero hours contracts who hoover up any available shifts, the apprentice schemes are very hit and miss and not the fabulous alternative they are cracked up to be. Add in post-covid issues, rising MH crises and its quite easy to end up as an "adult" who is nowhere near self supporting. My simple point is this - for as long as the young person requires parental support, they should get that from BOTH parents. The fact that they are divorced does not absolve the NRP of that responsibility.

I mean I didn't move out decades ago it was just less than a decade ago as it happens and nobody paid for me past 16 since I had a job (apprenticeship)! Which is still entirely possible now.

I know how HARD it is for young people. I am relatively young thanks and haven't had any financial help to get where I am. I still don't think paying her to sit at home is helping her whatsoever.

So if the dd cba getting a job mummy and daddy should be paying for her until she does? Why would she bother?

BibbleandSqwauk · 01/08/2024 10:37

we simply don't know her circumstances and why she is not currently employed. Just because you were self supporting from 16 (living alone or paying market rent to your parents?) doesn't mean everyone can. I don't disagree this young person sounds unmotivated and I don't think new phones, clothes, socialising money should be on the table, but basic living, if needed, should be the job of BOTH parents.

Ottervision · 01/08/2024 10:51

BibbleandSqwauk · 01/08/2024 10:37

we simply don't know her circumstances and why she is not currently employed. Just because you were self supporting from 16 (living alone or paying market rent to your parents?) doesn't mean everyone can. I don't disagree this young person sounds unmotivated and I don't think new phones, clothes, socialising money should be on the table, but basic living, if needed, should be the job of BOTH parents.

Basic living yes. Full "maintenance" as if she's an actual child who can't provide for herself? No. She can work but she's choosing not to. She could get UC but presumably choosing not to.

Nobody pays "market rent" to their parents. I did pay quite a lot of my income to them, as it happens. Because I got paid a pittance as an apprentice because that's what you have to be prepared to do at 16 if you don't go to uni.

Op has said she can live with them and they'll happily pay for her to live, but she doesn't want to get a job so she won't. It's no wonder is it?

Woolftown · 01/08/2024 10:58

I think you need to think hard about what is best for your SD now and the current situation is not really doing anyone any good. From the sounds of it you will continue to support her but think of how this might play out in different ways. In the future you might want to help with rent / house deposits, a training course. Stopping one form of support doesn’t mean you are not there for her.

Notaboozy · 01/08/2024 18:00

If your DH is scared to make any drastic moves, he could start by reducing ... perhaps by the amount she is wasting on Sky every month, by refusing to sort that out...

The three of them sound infuriating!

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your DSD, if her dad doesn't have what it takes to help motivate her, can you get to the heart of this with her? Her lack of interest in her own life is very sad to me.

Sunshineandpool · 01/08/2024 18:06

Regarding the Sky it sounds like DSD's mum has anxiety around making the phone call. Could someone help her with that as then that's £185 less you need to pay?

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