Stopping paying child maintenance at 18

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My DSD is 18 soon. She has been out of education, training and works 10 hours a week. Her Mum earns more than DH yet is terrible with money and so he has always been not only paying maintenance over the CMS rate, buying all clothes and paying DSD phone and dental fees (needed private braces) but also paying some of ex partners bills, servicing her car etc. I have no problem with this, it benefits DSD so why would I.

DSD has been barely attempting to get a job after being chucked out of college in Sept last year. Her mum is (illegally) still claiming child benefit for her. DH feels like he should continue paying child maintenance for DSD after she is 18 as her Mum can't cope without it and would have to move. To be clear, she could afford her house if she wasn't so shit with money. For example she refuses to ring Sky to change her plan despite her not watching it and them charging her £185 a month for it because she doesn't want to talk to them.

DSD mum doesn't encourage DSD to apply for jobs and so DSD just sits at home or at her mates.

I think he needs to use the discussion of DSD turning 18 and child maintenance stopping as an opportunity for Mum to encourage DSD to apply for jobs, but DH feels guilty and won't. My argument is when does he stop paying then?

I'm not saying we cut DSD off of course we will still spend on her and pay her phone bill, but if it doesn't stop now when does it? Will we still be subsidising her at 28 because her Mum needs the money?

My own children got jobs when they weren't in education and I'm getting a bit fed up of her not even applying for a proper job. AIBU?

TL:DR when do we stop paying child maintenance? AIBU to say when child becomes and unemployed unmotivated adult?

Don’t pay anything to her mum after she’s 18!

You can subsidise your DSD as much as you want (and make it conditional on applying for jobs etc) - that’s perfectly reasonable.

However, I agree she ought be subsidised too heavily if she genuinely just isn’t trying because she gets money handed to her. She could sign onto UC if she wants to once 18 so let her live on that for a while trying to make ends meet and she will soon learn the value of a job and career.

Obviously don’t allow her to struggle if she’s trying and being unlucky as jobs are hard to get and if you make it clear she’s always welcome at your home then you’re doing more than enough!

But how do you MAKE that happen? If she doesn't get off her arse then what? He stops paying. So who does feed her? The RP. Again, the reality is that she'd not going to get kicked out so both parents should support her.

Who feeds a grown adult? Let me think about that.🤔

DSS started Uni when he was 18, so we redirected the maintenance payment, so it paid for his uni accommodation, rather than going to his mother. Which is the same principle.

i bet i know the answer to this one... it'll be a hell no!

twas my understanding here in the UK that child maintenance stopped when the child turned 18 OR ended full time education anyway.

so unless there is some court order in play you have not mentioned.. why is your DH still paying?

Oh quit with the grown adult . Most of the 18 year olds I know and have known are dragging themselves to lectures hung over then out for beers most evenings - all funded apart from a few token efforts at part time jobs here and there.

Yes, they are transitioning to adulthood but they won’t all suddenly be the full ticket.

Yes, the dd needs to be applying for jobs and putting together a plan. But the fact she isn’t all the way there at 18 is far from unusual ( as I say a great many have all the larks and capers university got a few years) .

And it isn’t something to punish the mum for who has done all the heavy lifting of single parenting. The judgmental lemon faces on here …

O/p has already said she has her own room and is welcome to move in.

she just doesn’t want to as she doesn’t want to get a job.

Maintenance stops and I’d have an issue with him paying her bills she’s an ex ffs!

daughter either comes to live with you and be reasonably provided for or mum pulls her finger out, becomes an adult and sorts her life out. Other option is daughter ends up like mum but hubby needs to be firm he will not find a lazy lifestyle.

we work hard to afford nice things, very simple

How do you know mum has done all the “heavy lifting of single parenting”?

o/p hasn’t said what the care split was, but if she has her own room at their house it doesn’t sound like her dad has avoided his share.

plus it sounds like dad has done more than his share of the financial lifting, bailing mum out and paying her share too.

If the mother is choosing to infantalise her daughter, that's her prerogative. Her daughter is 18 and can claim UC until she finds full time employment. That's approximately £300 a month some of which can be put towards her food and bills. She then gets a full time job and pays her way. She can also move out.

so the cavet for SD moving in is that she gets a job? if SD moves in she has to get a job? just confirm for me thats correct?

At one point I thought there was a danger that ds (he is ND) would be similar in that he was talking of not going to uni and at that point showed no signs of trying to get a job. That didn't happen but I made it clear that the day he left full time education would be the day I stopped giving him a penny and not only that, I would expect him to give me £50 per week out of his universal credit he would be entitled to, to cover the cost of feeding him and the extra utility costs he generated.

As it happened he went to uni and turned out to be very entrepreneurial in getting part time work. As PP said, infantilising a young adult does not help them. I've seen this with other family members and it isn't turning out well.

That is perfectly reasonable. No adult should expect to sit at home all day doing nothing. I would say the same even if it were a 16 year old.

O/p said she doesn’t want to move in as “they will make her look for a job”

so she has to at least try. Which seems reasonable. What parent allows an 18 year old to sit around not doing anything and doesn’t encourage a job, education etc.

btw you can go to the o/p and select “see all”, which will show you only o/p’s posts if you want to confirm things for yourself.

not your own child... my children are welcome in my house regardless of if they have a job or not.

why can SD not move in while looking for a job?

thanks for the advice.. i think its a bit mean that a parent will not allow their own child to live in their house unless they have a job.

i agree at 18 unless in further education the natural order of things is to get a job.

but the SD should be welcome in her dads house irrespective of if she has a job or not

To be honest I would not be pushing my dc towards UC.

I think the preferable approach is parental support to generate income, not starting off on the back foot. Supporting children is not “ infantilising” them. Many of the ( eventually) highest earners will be getting a student lifestyle at university that is fairly remote from adult life . We don’t grow up in one blow.

So how long would you allow your adult child to live in your house contributing nothing, and making no attempt to contribute?

would you keep working instead of retiring so you can support your adult child at home who has never had a job out of choice?

o/p didn’t say they must have a job before moving in, only that they must make the effort to look for one.

Did you read the post? She is welcome in the house whether she has a job or not.

if she is living there she must make an attempt to find a job or do something constructive. If she doesn’t want to continue education that’s her choice, but she has to do something.

I agree sitting on her arse letting dad pay for everything should not be an option.

it is not “mean” to suggest a capable adult gets off their arse and contributes to the household.

i think its a bit mean that a parent will not allow their own child to live in their house unless they have a job.

I don't think that the dad won't allow his DD to move in until she's got a job. I read it that the dad will allow his DD to move in but would not just let her sit around not doing anything. She'd need to get a job or, I suppose, go back to education or at least do something. But DD doesn't appear to want that.

I went to university at 18, I wasn't supported by my parents and worked. I took out loans and used bank overdrafts. I then got a full time job and paid it back. I also lived in various house shares in London and was responsible for my rent and bills.

I had a part time job from the age of 13 which you could do then, and my parents didn't give me money. By the time I was 18, I was used to paying my way.

Child maintenance stops at 18 because you're an adult and entitled to benefits and can get a full time job. You can also move out. You can marry, have a family and live independently. The job of parents is to bring you up so you can live an independent life.

It would be different if the SD was actually looking for work but she's lounging around doing nothing and being supported financially to do so. Neither parent is doing her any favours. Like I said she can sign up for UC and start paying her way. Her mother doesn't have to pay for her.

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I think you should stop paying CM. You are not helping either of them at the moment in terms of being independent and responsible about money. Agree an allowance directly with your SD to cover her phone and other extras but set a time limit on it and make it clear that this is to give her some breathing space to work out what she wants to do. You may want to give her more or less support depending on what she decides but the status quo is doing nobody any favours.

fair enough i read it that DD had to have a job before moving in... no reason why she can't move in and then look for a job, or further education or what not.

it does annoy me that parents only want to be parents until their kids turn 18!