Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH invited widowed friend to ours, is this ok?…

251 replies

Boobooduck · 29/07/2024 23:52

I’ve never met him before but sounds like a nice guy. Lost his DW to cancer about 2 years ago bless him. He isn’t one of DH good friends but they’ve knows each other for years and DH invited him around for lunch - DH can’t cook so the best he could do would be cheese sarnies!

Anyway, I said invite him over on Thursday night and I’ll make homemade lasagna and salad and we can get a couple of bottles of wine incase he wants a drink…

Does that sound ok? Lasagna? If not, what else do you suggest?

TIA

OP posts:
Bluebirdover · 30/07/2024 07:50

Unicorntearsofgin · 30/07/2024 07:43

Totally missing the point of the thread but surely the vast majority of lasagne’s will be home made. Who would buy them frozen it’s so easy?

I just can't think why anyone would buy from frozen? It's really odd that every supermarket in the country seems to sell them, some chilled, some frozen, it's like people buy them all the time.

I just wonder why that could be...... 🙄!

BIossomtoes · 30/07/2024 07:50

tuttuttutt · 30/07/2024 06:56

I think that does make you a fussy eater

Show quote history

It’s the absolute definition. A cook’s nightmare.

bunsnroses1 · 30/07/2024 07:51

I’m afraid I’m not keen on lasagne, but then I am a divorcée, not a widow. I shall consult my widow friend- perhaps she could canvass the other widows at her bereavement group, bless them.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/07/2024 07:52

Unicorntearsofgin · 30/07/2024 07:43

Totally missing the point of the thread but surely the vast majority of lasagne’s will be home made. Who would buy them frozen it’s so easy?

It's almost as though everyone is different 😱

TheShiningCarpet · 30/07/2024 07:52

Don’t be a martyr about it

ScribblingPixie · 30/07/2024 07:53

I would leave your DH's invitation as it is, one man reaching out to a friend whose had a hard time. Why would you feel obliged to take it over and turn it into something more that increases the pressure on everyone? I'd say just advise your DH to get a salad and cake in to go with the sandwiches and leave them to it.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/07/2024 07:54

Folks saying I’d be put out, order a takeaway. Like hosting a friend is some sort of punishment.

What's wrong with ordering a takeaway for a friend? Or do you have to cook from scratch to host someone properly now?

Jc2001 · 30/07/2024 07:54

BikesIHaveLost · 30/07/2024 00:00

I don’t understand what his marital status or how well your DH knows him has to do with whether he will eat lasagne?

It's just a bit of background. Don't get your knickers in a twist

Blisterly · 30/07/2024 07:57

Can’t you just let your husband have him over for lunch as he wanted to? Surely he just wants a catch up with his friend and the food is irrelevant?

I’d be a bit put out of my friend asked me over for lunch and then her husband intervened, and turned it into a dinner with both of them I don’t want.

Bluebirdover · 30/07/2024 07:58

@Jc2001 it's not relevant background, the bless him and he'll need a home cooked meal is all about want adulation for taking over a lunch her DH had already arranged.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/07/2024 08:00

@Jc2001 what's relevant about it?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/07/2024 08:02

You are doing a nice thing and some posters are being deliberately twattish.

The homemade lasagne sounds a good choice. Particularly given you say you do not like to feel under pressure as most of the work is early on then it just goes in the oven. I always find having dishes that cook in the oven rather than on the hob so much easier.

Can I suggest, if you are thinking about his possibly missing home cooking, that you make a pudding/dessert? Fruit pie or crumble might go down well.

Hope it all goes well.

Bluebirdover · 30/07/2024 08:05

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 30/07/2024 08:02

You are doing a nice thing and some posters are being deliberately twattish.

The homemade lasagne sounds a good choice. Particularly given you say you do not like to feel under pressure as most of the work is early on then it just goes in the oven. I always find having dishes that cook in the oven rather than on the hob so much easier.

Can I suggest, if you are thinking about his possibly missing home cooking, that you make a pudding/dessert? Fruit pie or crumble might go down well.

Hope it all goes well.

It may really shock you that even a man can home cook for himself? He may home cook every night, why would you assume he wouldn't? Because he is male?

Dear god, it's 2024!

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/07/2024 08:06

Can I suggest, if you are thinking about his possibly missing home cooking, that you make a pudding/dessert? Fruit pie or crumble might go down well.

Jesus Christ, this isn't the 1950's 😂

Bluebirdover · 30/07/2024 08:08

@sunsetsandboardwalks great minds......GrinGrinGrin

Ponoka7 · 30/07/2024 08:10

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood why would he be missing home cooking, his wife died, not his cooker. The OP's DH earns a good wage, but can't ask his mate what he'd fancy for tea. The OP needs help from a bunch of female strangers to figure it out. The 'bless him' is patronising.
I'm widowed, but don't particularly like lasagne. I'd go for chilli chicken/pork noodles, or chicken tika masala though.

Testina · 30/07/2024 08:13

trying to do the right thing by someone that’s had something awful happen to them and is trying to be sympathetic and to make their time as nice as possible…

I just passed this thread to my widower husband. He said that it sounds like you’re assuming this man is like your husband and bizarrely incapable of cooking and you’re doing him a great kindness by providing him with a home cooked meal that he hasn’t had for 2 years. He said he’d have been mortified if he was being spoken about like this after his wife died. Incidentally, he did most of the cooking - they both could, but he enjoyed and his wife worked longer hours and shifts.

I totally get that in your relationship, you cooking works for both your preferences. But it’s pathetic that he can’t cook more than a cheese sandwich.

My husband’s advice is - please, FGS stop talking about this man as the widower, and thinking you’re doing something that’s specifically “the right thing” - he’s not a charity case (it’s been 2 years!!) - these are not the first months when he might be in a stage of grief where he may not be eating. He says, be careful, because this attitude is likely to come through even if you don’t realise, and if he’s found himself in a “bless him” situation or a “it’ll be nice for him to have a home cooked meal because of course as a man without a wife he hasn’t had one for 2 years” situation, he would have felt patronised and uncomfortable.

He did say lasagne is always a winner though 😆

BenchyMcBenchFace · 30/07/2024 08:15

OMGsamesame · 30/07/2024 01:39

It's forecast to be 31 degrees here on Wednesday, 29 degrees on Thursday. No way would I be making a lasagne or doing anything that requires cooking.

Show quote history

What do you think they eat and do in Italy, not exactly notorious for its arctic weather? 🙂

BenchyMcBenchFace · 30/07/2024 08:16

Testina · 30/07/2024 08:13

trying to do the right thing by someone that’s had something awful happen to them and is trying to be sympathetic and to make their time as nice as possible…

I just passed this thread to my widower husband. He said that it sounds like you’re assuming this man is like your husband and bizarrely incapable of cooking and you’re doing him a great kindness by providing him with a home cooked meal that he hasn’t had for 2 years. He said he’d have been mortified if he was being spoken about like this after his wife died. Incidentally, he did most of the cooking - they both could, but he enjoyed and his wife worked longer hours and shifts.

I totally get that in your relationship, you cooking works for both your preferences. But it’s pathetic that he can’t cook more than a cheese sandwich.

My husband’s advice is - please, FGS stop talking about this man as the widower, and thinking you’re doing something that’s specifically “the right thing” - he’s not a charity case (it’s been 2 years!!) - these are not the first months when he might be in a stage of grief where he may not be eating. He says, be careful, because this attitude is likely to come through even if you don’t realise, and if he’s found himself in a “bless him” situation or a “it’ll be nice for him to have a home cooked meal because of course as a man without a wife he hasn’t had one for 2 years” situation, he would have felt patronised and uncomfortable.

He did say lasagne is always a winner though 😆

This is the only post the OP needs to read. It’s hit every single nail on the head.

JoyousPinkPeer · 30/07/2024 08:16

If not ... cheese sarny it is!

Very kind of you both, these little gestures make a big impact!

Bluebirdover · 30/07/2024 08:17

@BenchyMcBenchFace

Probably more along these lines in the summer

italynow.com/blog/italian-summer-food-you-should-try/

OMGsamesame · 30/07/2024 08:18

BenchyMcBenchFace · 30/07/2024 08:15

What do you think they eat and do in Italy, not exactly notorious for its arctic weather? 🙂

Show quote history

Was Italy the hottest country you could think of?

Priggishsausagebore · 30/07/2024 08:18

Bellsandthistle · 30/07/2024 00:19

Whatever you do, don’t serve strawberries and cream for dessert. Apparently it’s uncouth.🤷‍♀️

But do serve sausages and salad because that's a top class meal!

Priggishsausagebore · 30/07/2024 08:19

OMGsamesame · 30/07/2024 08:18

Was Italy the hottest country you could think of?

Show quote history

It's where lasagne is from

Bluebirdover · 30/07/2024 08:20

Just do a Mumsnet chicken, then you can send her widower home with 6 additional meals from it.