Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH invited widowed friend to ours, is this ok?…

251 replies

Boobooduck · 29/07/2024 23:52

I’ve never met him before but sounds like a nice guy. Lost his DW to cancer about 2 years ago bless him. He isn’t one of DH good friends but they’ve knows each other for years and DH invited him around for lunch - DH can’t cook so the best he could do would be cheese sarnies!

Anyway, I said invite him over on Thursday night and I’ll make homemade lasagna and salad and we can get a couple of bottles of wine incase he wants a drink…

Does that sound ok? Lasagna? If not, what else do you suggest?

TIA

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 30/07/2024 08:20

BenchyMcBenchFace · 30/07/2024 08:16

This is the only post the OP needs to read. It’s hit every single nail on the head.

Edited
Show quote history

Well apart from lasagne always being a winner...

BenchyMcBenchFace · 30/07/2024 08:22

OMGsamesame · 30/07/2024 08:18

Was Italy the hottest country you could think of?

Show quote history

Errrm, no? But it is the country that lasagne comes from…🤓

NeedToChangeName · 30/07/2024 08:24

Attention · 30/07/2024 01:17

Not good enough.

Seriously.

I've got no truck these days for women who laugh at how hysterically awful their male spouse is at cooking - not just bad, but food-poisoning-level bad, lol, what is he LIKE????!!!!!! - followed no doubt by a mumsy smile and a 'aw bless him'.

(Yes, I'm in a bad mood.)

Show quote history

Agree

JSMill · 30/07/2024 08:24

Op have you never had to host a random guest before? I have to say, if dh springs someone on me, Costco lasagne is my go to every time.

saveforthat · 30/07/2024 08:25

Why do you feel obliged to say you will cook? Why is a take away a cop out,? Why do women put themselves under so much pressure? If he was having his mate round and you went out (which may be a good idea), they would probably order a curry and have a few beers. Job done.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 30/07/2024 08:27

MulberryMoon · 30/07/2024 00:12

I'm a widow and I'd be very happy with that

😂

NeedToChangeName · 30/07/2024 08:27

Bluebirdover · 30/07/2024 03:32

Honestly, I would imagine the nice thing is the company not the food!

He was invited for a cheese sarnie at lunchtime, great and informal as he's not that close to your DH. Good start.

You decide it's now dinner, homemade lasagna and suddenly what you're serving is more important than the company, you've taken over and are now calling your DH a twat.

The guest may well be a very proficient cook, yet it's one you're assuming that as he happens to be male and widowed he's not capable of cooking? Of course he very may well be, so don't assume he needs "feeding".

Personally, I would've left it as a casual lunch and assume the food isn't the main attraction.

Yes

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/07/2024 08:28

I agree that you're being a bit weird about the widower thing OP, you're kind of singling him out as that being his primary characteristic. If he was in the first shock of grief and you were asking how to support him, fair enough, it would probably the only thing he's thinking about too, but after two years he might prefer it not to be the main way people see him.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/07/2024 08:29

@BenchyMcBenchFace way more summery meals that don't take hours to prep, I imagine, like salads, or pizza, or salami and cheese and vegetables, or more simple pasta dishes 🤷‍♀️

As an aside, I've been to Italy dozens of times and don't think I've ever eaten a lasagne there!

TwigletsAndRadishes · 30/07/2024 08:29

It's a casual kitchen supper for one guest. Don't overthink it. It's nice to make an effort but anything too try-hard mid week for just one guest might feel a bit peculiar. Lasagne, chilli, roast chicken and a decent salad with some garlic bread, a curry, all perfectly suitable. Just check what he doesn't eat in advance.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 30/07/2024 08:30

saveforthat · 30/07/2024 08:25

Why do you feel obliged to say you will cook? Why is a take away a cop out,? Why do women put themselves under so much pressure? If he was having his mate round and you went out (which may be a good idea), they would probably order a curry and have a few beers. Job done.

OP wants to be a martyr and get a pat on the back for it. Her husband asked his friend for a weekend lunch. No reason why that couldn't be sandwiches and soup, but OP has muscled in and turned it into a weekday dinner.

I'd far rather, as someone who works 9-5 Monday to Friday, have a casual sandwich lunch at the weekend than a full dinner mid week.

Nannyfannybanny · 30/07/2024 08:30

When I saw the post title, I assumed DH had invited a female friend round and wanted to know if we thought that was acceptable! Frankly, I would make sure that the guy ate meat and do steak, chunky chips and sides.all the men I know would love that,cooked at the time,so you know how rare. ,,(I'm veggie but always let people know) as for men not being able to cook, I have seen a lot of posts on MN, about what their DH do and don't do around the house,and there are a lot of women who say they can't cook, and their partner does all the cooking. Some of the usual nasty posts on here

Chocolately · 30/07/2024 08:31

Why are you making so much effort for a stranger your husband invited over for a meal?
I'd be letting him host/cook. Let him find out if he eats meat/fish, whatever. Jeez.

Arrivederla · 30/07/2024 08:33

Whithersoever · 30/07/2024 00:48

Why can your adult husband not cook?

Tell him it's about time and to find himself an easy recipe.

Exactly this. Anyone can learn to cook a simple meal! Tell him he doesn't get to invite people round if it just gives you extra work while he sits on his arse.

RenoDakota · 30/07/2024 08:34

Sounds lovely, OP.
But I think the best thing will be the atmosphere and welcome you create, without making him feel that it is a sympathetic gesture.
See it as making a potential new friend, and relax and enjoy it.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 30/07/2024 08:34

Also, his wife died two years ago, so while it's always going to be sad, it's not as if he's in the early throes of mourning, so all the 'bless him, he's had a hard time and I want to make things nice for him' is unnecassary and dare I say a bit patronising. I can almost see that head-tilt on you as he walks in the door. Just be normal. Don't fuss over him like a poorly child. It will make him uncomfortable.

Testina · 30/07/2024 08:34

It’s almost amusing this sort of subtext that The Widower must be helped as he’s been alone every night eating beans on toast.

Grief is different for everyone. My widower husband didn’t date for 5 years, and 15 years on still cries on occasion. But he met a few young widowers in a support group. And he tells me that after 2 years, the majority were throwing together a meal for their dates!

Please, stop thinking of him as someone to be helped, and think of him as just some guy your husband likes.

Arrivederla · 30/07/2024 08:38

Nannyfannybanny · 30/07/2024 08:30

When I saw the post title, I assumed DH had invited a female friend round and wanted to know if we thought that was acceptable! Frankly, I would make sure that the guy ate meat and do steak, chunky chips and sides.all the men I know would love that,cooked at the time,so you know how rare. ,,(I'm veggie but always let people know) as for men not being able to cook, I have seen a lot of posts on MN, about what their DH do and don't do around the house,and there are a lot of women who say they can't cook, and their partner does all the cooking. Some of the usual nasty posts on here

It's not nasty to expect an adult to be able to put a simple meal together, especially when it's for their friend that they have decided to invite round!

Bluebirdover · 30/07/2024 08:39

Nannyfannybanny · 30/07/2024 08:30

When I saw the post title, I assumed DH had invited a female friend round and wanted to know if we thought that was acceptable! Frankly, I would make sure that the guy ate meat and do steak, chunky chips and sides.all the men I know would love that,cooked at the time,so you know how rare. ,,(I'm veggie but always let people know) as for men not being able to cook, I have seen a lot of posts on MN, about what their DH do and don't do around the house,and there are a lot of women who say they can't cook, and their partner does all the cooking. Some of the usual nasty posts on here

He's a man ...... feed him meat!!

🥩

You do know that MN is primarily a forum for women to complain about the failings of their partners?

In the real world, it's much more of an even balance.

And let's hope OP doesn't die first because her DH will follow soon after from food poisoning...... bless him!

Quite honestly, if I was invited somewhere and found out the OP called her DP a twat for inviting me, I'd decline the offer.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 30/07/2024 08:40

Nannyfannybanny · 30/07/2024 08:30

When I saw the post title, I assumed DH had invited a female friend round and wanted to know if we thought that was acceptable! Frankly, I would make sure that the guy ate meat and do steak, chunky chips and sides.all the men I know would love that,cooked at the time,so you know how rare. ,,(I'm veggie but always let people know) as for men not being able to cook, I have seen a lot of posts on MN, about what their DH do and don't do around the house,and there are a lot of women who say they can't cook, and their partner does all the cooking. Some of the usual nasty posts on here

What's nasty about expecting a grown man to cook for his equally grown up male friend? Confused

Even if he's genuinely rubbish at cooking, I'm sure he's more than capable of arranging a takeaway or putting some pizzas in the oven.

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/07/2024 08:41

BenchyMcBenchFace · 30/07/2024 08:15

What do you think they eat and do in Italy, not exactly notorious for its arctic weather? 🙂

Show quote history

Exactly. I never understand people who say it's too hot for lasagne/ chilli/ curry as they all come from hot countries. I cooked a curry last night.

Daisy75 · 30/07/2024 08:46

Kerlalia · 30/07/2024 00:28

I don't know many people who dislike lasagna. I think it sounds lovely. Sorry for being a twat in my earlier post.
FWIW the best lasagna I've ever been served is this one: https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/chicken-squash-pesto-lasagne
My friend served it with nice crusty garlic bread and salad.

Show quote history

I don’t know how I feel about chicken in lasagne @Kerlalia …..

Bellyblueboy · 30/07/2024 08:50

Steak and chips.

I am concerned that your husband is completely unable to perform simple tasks. Is he able to hold down a job? Able to drive a car?

why are people so accepting that of try to do a simple task that most twelve year olds could master they will poison everyone?

Nannyfannybanny · 30/07/2024 08:56

I didn't mean posts were nasty because the DH can't cook. There was a full stop after the cooking part
I meant the sarcasm of him ,regarding being a widower..
I did also say,ask him if he eats meat, I don't automatically assume that men eat meat. I have a couple of male friends one a veggie and one a vegan.i don't cook the steak, I've never eaten one,so they don't turn out well.

Starlight1979 · 30/07/2024 08:56

So let me get this straight. OP's husband has invited a mate round for something to eat (the fact he's widowed is completely irrelevant really as it was 2 years ago, not 2 weeks ago) and the thread is asking whether we think he'll like lasagne?