To think we shouldn't be treated like mealtime maids

[LoveBlueCheese]

On a family holiday. 11 of us. In laws, DH's 2 brothers and their wives. 1 nephew, and our own 2 DC. As its difficult to find a table big enough to accomodate everyone, it was easier to split into 2 tables. Scenario was - in laws always arrive early and then everyone else floats in. BIL and SIL with their DS come in and he wants to sit with our kids. Won't begrudge all the kids wanting to sit together. But then BIL and SIL then both choose to sit at the other table! So if DH hadn't spotted it in time, I would have been left alone with 3 kids by myself at the other table! DH came to sit with us and was pretty peed off at his brother and SIL. The same thing happened again the next day until we were deliberately late the next day. Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move.

To add context - their DS has adhd. He is disruptive and literally can't sit still i.e. the kid that keeps running about in restaurants and bugging his parents every 5 minutes for the phone or for this and that. So my own DC can't eat properly either as they get distracted. AIBU to think u should sit with ur DC during mealtimes and supervise them as they are your bloody responsibility!?!!I felt like the bloody mealtime maid and so did DH! nephew is 7, not 17!!

I can't imagine getting too upset about this - it's a temporary situation and they're probably exhausted from parenting a DS with ADHD and having every mealtime be a stressful event. I'd just lean into it and take it as a bonding opportunity rather than strike up a battle over the whole thing

I wouldn't 'lean into it' at all, OP. You're on holiday to have a holiday not to be a babysitter

I used to be the sucker that 'leaned into it', taking over the care of the kids, running around after the little ones, allowing SIL and sisters to have a break.

Not bloody one of them ever returned the favour when I had my kids!

When it came to nieces and nephews trying to slip supervision and care of their kids onto me - boy did they catch cold, and fast. Retrieved one just as it was about to fall into the goldfish pond - outside the front of the house, could also have moseyed into the main (busy) road, grabbed it by its britches, took it inside, dropped it onto their parent's lap, and said, 'I think this belongs to you'.

I wasn't going to be the fall guy for the next generation too!

I’d make a little comment ‘BIL you can sit with the kids tomorrow. Shall we take it in turns?’

Could you not eat out in restaurants but instead eat in where you are staying?

A sit down restaurant doesn't sound like the best environment for the nephew.

Or pre book restaurants so that they can organise a table for 11 in advance

100%!

Tell them that it is best if the children don’t sit together as it makes them too excited (or another reason).
Or always arrive early so you can sit at the table with the ILs.

A bit of organisation is needed! Decide where you want to go to eat in advance and book a table. Adults can sit at one end for conversation and kids the other, but make sure your bil/sil is next to the kids if their child is disruptive. Or perhaps a grandparent if the child is calmer with them

This

Kids sitting together is to be expected. But supervising them should be shared.

So there were six adults at the other table, gayly getting on with their meal? It's wrong of the boy's parents totally, but I would also be feeling aggrieved that the other brother and sister in law and the grandparents did nothing, especially if you had to spend half your meal chasing the child round the restaurant. If it happened more than once, I would have had to say something and also if the child left the table, I would have taken him to the other table and made it clear he was their responsibility. Decades ago, we used to go on massive family holidays - 8 adults and 7 kids at the height of it. They were lovely times but only worked because everyone mucked in. We also rented houses, which was a much more relaxed way of doing it. If I were you, OP, I wouldn't be going on holiday with them next year and if they ask why not, tell them.

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

You don't have to dislike a child to not wish to cope with them. If your bil would like the holiday to be a break for him, it would have been more likely to work if he had spoken about this before the holiday and not just, as it sounds, offloaded his child onto other people.

Are you in an AI canteen restaurant type place? If so just pull two bloody tables together!

Absolutely this!
As to other posters saying they should ask for the help etc rather than just expect it, it’s not easy to ask for help particularly if relatives are clearly of the mindset of the op.
I’d also say it’s quite possible that they didn’t even think about who was sitting where and just assumed all adults would be sitting together.
its a very odd situation to moan about you having to sit with 3 children to be the dinner maid when 2 of them are your kids but it’s ok for bil to sit and look after your 2. Very strange logic going on there.

In my family, all the adults who don't spend their lives caring for the child with additional needs (or any children, actually) would recognise that the parents need a break and step up.

When my DC were young, that was pretty much the point of holidays with extended family, I cried when it was time to leave and go back to real life, without the support once!

Then when DSis had her DC, when mine were older, I (and my DC) gave her a break when we went away together.

.

This would piss me off as well-it’s the assumption that you will look after ‘just one more’ whilst they always sit with the adults. It’s not for you to automatically look after three kids every meal time so that they can have a break.

Are you at a hotel type place where you always eat at the same place-all inclusive? Is it worth asking if they’ll set up a table for 11 for you/push two together?

If sounds like MIL didn’t approve of them just abandoning their child to sit at the other table-can you get her on side? Or next time, go early and sit with PIL with your kids, so there’s 6 on that table already.

If those things don’t work-get DH to say something to his brother.

Is it offloading though? They are sat at the next table. The OP makes no further comments that at any other point in the day they have to help/support their nephew, which I’m sure they would have done based on their grievances with meal time. So I would suggest OP doesn’t do a family holiday again as doesn’t appear they want to spend time with family. If the nephew had no additional needs, I expect this wouldn’t even be a post. Societies ignorance around how hard life is when your child has any kind of diagnosis is appalling and this shows why. A meal time of maybe 45 mins/ 1 hour tops and the OP is a ‘meal maid’. Seriously??

What do you mean, if your DH hadn't spotted it in time? Why didn't you sit at the other table when you went in? Why was your DH not with you anyway?

Why doesn't your DH sit with your kids and you sit at the other table, if you don't want to sit with your kids every night?

Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move.

So who sat on which table for this meal?

If you arrived early and sat with the in laws, what would they do?

We had a similar number of people for family holidays and took turns with who sat with who-usually kids sat with a parents but this varied-sometimes the dads sat with the kids, sometimes the mums, sometimes you sat just with your own kids with the grandparents etc

I wouldn't "lean into it" either OP. I can't believe the entitlement of leaving their DS alone at the table until someone arrives to watch him. It's one thing to ask or agree to take turns, but how unkind to leave their DS sitting alone.
I have a child with autism and another with suspected ADHD, and it cam be tough. I wouldn't think of leaving either alone at a table to wait for someone else to watch them. I imagine they, like your nephew, would likely pick up on it too.

how unkind to leave their DS sitting alone.

I agree-that’s really shitty.

Sorry, but it's OP's holiday too.

The parents of the disruptive child need to manage between them, not arbitrarily impose on OP and other adults. They are deliberately taking the piss.

Not wanting to handle his needs doesn't equate to disliking him.

I wouldn't make it a question, because then they can refuse. I'd make it a statement, " Hey, BIL, it's your turn to sit with the kids"

I think I'm confused here so am going to try and get it right.

There are three children, two of them are yours. You sit with them to eat every night but would like other adults to take turns? But most of the children are yours? So is it you want the extra child removed or you want other adults to supervise your children so you can eat with other adults?

I'd be expecting you to supervise your own children at mealtimes tbh.