To think we shouldn't be treated like mealtime maids

[LoveBlueCheese]

On a family holiday. 11 of us. In laws, DH's 2 brothers and their wives. 1 nephew, and our own 2 DC. As its difficult to find a table big enough to accomodate everyone, it was easier to split into 2 tables. Scenario was - in laws always arrive early and then everyone else floats in. BIL and SIL with their DS come in and he wants to sit with our kids. Won't begrudge all the kids wanting to sit together. But then BIL and SIL then both choose to sit at the other table! So if DH hadn't spotted it in time, I would have been left alone with 3 kids by myself at the other table! DH came to sit with us and was pretty peed off at his brother and SIL. The same thing happened again the next day until we were deliberately late the next day. Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move.

To add context - their DS has adhd. He is disruptive and literally can't sit still i.e. the kid that keeps running about in restaurants and bugging his parents every 5 minutes for the phone or for this and that. So my own DC can't eat properly either as they get distracted. AIBU to think u should sit with ur DC during mealtimes and supervise them as they are your bloody responsibility!?!!I felt like the bloody mealtime maid and so did DH! nephew is 7, not 17!!

It's absolutely exhausting having a child with additional needs. I would love just ,occasionally, to have a break. However you can't just leave your child with another family member and hope it'll be okay. Yes it's family but BIL really should have said before the holiday that he was struggling and needed some support and then hopefully the whole family would have mucked in.
I don't get a break and wouldn't trust any of my family and certainly not ILS to look after him. MIL already tells me DS is very naughty. No he's autistic 😞

It sounds like the OP would be happy to eat with her own kids every mealtime, she just doesn’t want the other child’s parents to assume she’ll have their one as well. Other possible solutions could be…

The OP sitting with her husband, 2 kids and the parent in laws.

The OP sitting with her husband, 2 kids, BIL/SIL and their child.

The OP sitting with her husband, 2 kids and the other BIL/SIL.

The 3 kids sitting together, but the sets of parents taking it turns to sit with them.

The two dads sitting with the three kids.

The two mums sitting with the three kids.

There are other alternatives that don’t involve a table full of adults and then OP/her DH and three kids alone.

On my family holidays-we do a combination of those suggestions-it’s nice to talk to different people and not nice nice assume someone else will be on kid duty for your child every meal time.

Who goes on these bif family holidays. I cant imagine anything more stressful or awful.

My brother and SIL are like this. I can't remember the last time we had a meal/ day out/ holiday and they somehow manged to not be with any of their DC at all.

I don't mind it occasionally, I love spending time with the little ones. But sometimes it would be nice if they didn't assume me and my teens were some kind of free childcare.

I know, I totally understand you as we are the same. Our daughter is autistic. We never have time away from her, my husband or I are always with her. We would also never do what OP has said. I’m just playing devil’s advocate that maybe they are totally burnt out and in need of a little time. Yes, they should have asked. Maybe they don’t see it as such an issue as they are also there. I just felt the way OP described her nephew was unkind and showed lack of awareness and it frustrated me.
Sorry your MIL doesn’t understand your DS needs, makes things much much harder for you 😓

Assuming you can’t all sit together all of the holiday ? ( surely some places could accommodate )

you need to make it clear that you take it in turns to sit with the kids, it’s everyone’s holiday so you can all take turns at supervising at mealtimes.

OP, is this AI?

Is there anywhere else you, your husband and kids can take your meals?

I would be SO pissed off with this CFery. Can you sack them all off and go out by yourselves? And make it clear why?

Honestly how do people live with themselves when they are so utterly grabby and self serving, even to family?

The kid running around and being a pain in arse would be enough for me. I’d say never again.

I'd say, guys I am not unpaid help, I'm not going to be minding your child all holiday. You'll need to mind Johnny at meal times.

Speak up and take turns is the most obvious solution. Keep communication channels open.

It's not about neurodiversity. It's the foisting of responsibility for their own child onto others, without even the courtesy of asking them if they'd mind, that would stick in the craw. That's just rude, entitled and extremely inconsiderate. Good on MiL for pulling them up on this.

If struggling parents are in need of help then what they need to do is ask, not assume. It's about basic courtesy.

YANBU, OP, and you are a braver woman than I. The very idea of holidaying with in-laws is too horrible to contemplate.

You have to set boundaries, especially when other people have none.

I would talk to the BIL and SIl outside of meetings. They should take the next meal. Set a boundary for what you need. "it is unfair for you to leave all mealtimes to us. As nice as it is for the the DC to get together, this is disruptive. In future, you need to take over primary care of x over mealtimes. " It is not ok for them to eat meals uninterrupted, esp without a prior agreement from you both.

Thai is not the time for snarky comments.

They seem to have unilaterally decided that this holiday is a lovely chance for them to spend some time together relaxing and having a break from parenting, but forgot to inform anyone else about this respite arrangement!

Are you going to say something, @LoveBlueCheese ?

You’ve got two kids, you’re getting on parenting them. If BIL and wife need help with their one child they can ask the other adults who aren’t already looking after children.

Is this new behaviour from them?

Why don't you just say to your inlaws, we've done a few mealtimes supervising the kids so it's your turn tomorrow so we can have a peaceful meal, I think we really should take turns.

It's interesting that everyone is talking about bil for leaving his kid with op - and nobody but me paying attention to the fact that her own husband was happy to leave both his kids with op and sit at the other table.

I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable, OP. My SiL does this. She has two kids, one of whom is quite tricky (being assessed for ADHD) and I have one, pretty well behaved, child. The family have a joint holiday home and when we all come together, if I am playing with my child and the others join in, SiL will just waltz off leaving me with 3 kids. Once she just buggered off for an hour’s walk without saying anything, even though everyone but me was out! I’m not a bloody servant.

My view is that there is a huge difference in asking me to help - which I do sometimes and don’t mind - and expecting me to do it/foisting the children on me. I know it’s tiring having 2 kids and even harder when one is tricky, but she and her DH don’t work and the kids are at school most of the time so they have breaks, whereas my DH and I work full time - so frankly need a break more.

I started being alert to it and stopping it before it happened. “Are you going somewhere [SiL]? Maybe you should take your kids as I can’t watch them all.” She soon got the message and doesn’t do it anymore. Interestingly it improved our relationship.

In your situation, I would have a calm chat, well before dinner, before you start to resent them and explode. Say you think it’s a good idea to take turns if the kids want to eat together. But if they don’t want to look after your two, then perhaps better to separate the kids since they have enough time playing together during the day. Something like that. If you don’t nip it in the bud, this will become the norm.

My DS used to be like this. Still is as a young adult but has slowed down a bit. DD is good at sitting but can get distracted by obsessions. Both have autism and ADHD. We found DS stays at the table with us if he is first to sit down and if we can get a booth and put him in the corner so he can't get up and walk around. He is more comfortable doing this. He doesn't sit so well on a dining chair in a restaurant.

He's not to bad at home or where he lives in sheltered housing. As long as his back is facing a wall he feels secure and has to be first to sit down. He struggles to sit down at a table with others already seated. He can't deal with lots of faces at once. Also if the restaurant is busy/noisy that's a no go we go somewhere else. A distraction is good. Does he have an iPad tablet or Switch he can play on? I used to take books to read them for mine when they were younger.

He probably gets over excited and over stimulated being on holiday with all the family.

She doesn't mind dining with her own children.

Ah, got it.

It's ok to be treated as a mealtime maid by your husband, but not ok for others to see that example and copy.

Got it.

Suggest you take it in turns to sit with the kids.

Ignore this ridiculous comment, OP.

You have your own young children to worry about, and it's YOUR holiday too to enjoy your family and take a breather from parenting your own DCs. It is NOT your responsibility to take over the parenting of someone else's child because they can't be arsed and think they're entitled to dump their child on other people. And without discussion at that!

Why can't you just say 'Can we take turns to sit with DC? You two do one night and we'll do the next?' Job done.

I’d say to the family that me and DP feel like we’re sitting at the kids table every night and would like to sit with the other adults so let’s start booking tables that work. Either that or the other parents can take it in turns.

Also don’t parent the child. If he runs off call DB to go and sort it.

I'm confused by the scenario you set out. It sounds like you and your kids sat at a separate table to your in-laws and DH and that was totally fine until your nephew joined your table and his parents sat at the other one.

Is that what happened?