To think we shouldn't be treated like mealtime maids

[LoveBlueCheese]

On a family holiday. 11 of us. In laws, DH's 2 brothers and their wives. 1 nephew, and our own 2 DC. As its difficult to find a table big enough to accomodate everyone, it was easier to split into 2 tables. Scenario was - in laws always arrive early and then everyone else floats in. BIL and SIL with their DS come in and he wants to sit with our kids. Won't begrudge all the kids wanting to sit together. But then BIL and SIL then both choose to sit at the other table! So if DH hadn't spotted it in time, I would have been left alone with 3 kids by myself at the other table! DH came to sit with us and was pretty peed off at his brother and SIL. The same thing happened again the next day until we were deliberately late the next day. Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move.

To add context - their DS has adhd. He is disruptive and literally can't sit still i.e. the kid that keeps running about in restaurants and bugging his parents every 5 minutes for the phone or for this and that. So my own DC can't eat properly either as they get distracted. AIBU to think u should sit with ur DC during mealtimes and supervise them as they are your bloody responsibility!?!!I felt like the bloody mealtime maid and so did DH! nephew is 7, not 17!!

people were merely suggesting they might be at breaking point and unable to ask for support

Why is this only the OP's responsibility though? what about the 7 other adults on the trip?

Agree.

The child has a pair of very shitty parents.

Well, given that it's her choice to allow her husband to treat her like that and given that she allowed her BIL and SIL to treat her like that... then why is one ok and not the other?

I don't think either is ok, but if it's ok because op allows it, then surely it's ok because op allows it?

Perhaps you could have included that information earlier instead of 4 pages later.
And it's pretty shit to use the term woke SEN brigade.

YANBU for not wanting to be treated like mealtime maids. The parents of the challenging child should have brought their nanny/maid on holiday with them if they didn’t want to look after the child themselves. They should not expect you to do it.

If the child is disruptive and “bugging” as you describe him, they could leave him at home with the nanny in an environment he finds more comfortable.

You're one of the people who leave their kids with the childless adult in the family, aren't you? Or leave your kid with another person's kid and expect that person to watch yours too?
Got news for you- it isn't okay and means you suck as a person.

Actually I'm not - I'm the person who steps in when I see people are overwhelmed and don't expect anything from anyone. But feel free to just come up with random assumptions regardless 🍪

Every single thread that starts ‘we’re on a family holiday’ is BU. Expect to suck stuff up for people that you actually like, or if you can’t or don’t like them, then you are unreasonable for agreeing to a family holiday in the first place.

No help sorry but sympathise. For years I was treated as the family babysitter at events with in-laws. I was always sat in a dark corner colouring or playing uno while SIL amd DHs family having a whale of a time getting drunk nearby. (DH did help me)
Things came to a head when it was expected to cancel my 40th birthday holiday plans for a family wedding but as it was child free I was expected to not attend it and instead look after all the kids. We said no, went on our holiday and they barely speak to us now.

🤣🤣🤣

yeah You deserve a break too isn’t it? a but cheecky them no?

I totally get you and they are taking the mick.

I would:

• eat no breakkie myself to retrieve myself from the situation (would they act like that if only DH is there)… you could have a bug for ths rest of the holidays and skipping meal.
• take the children out for eating…every single evening. They should get the message quite quickly
• « Let’s swap » loud and clear from you to them… for the lunch until they comply

that would be disruptive but hey. You aren’t a maid…also adhd maybe but they don’t get to drop both at the same time.
If they want help, they can ask, nicely. And expect to give in return.

bonkers.

good luck 🌺

Well done you!

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💪🏼

Erm…no

it doesn’t seem this situation happened before though?? Should she never do anything coz people are just blantly bonkers?

she did everything right. Still is as she is trying to figure out how to get out if that trap…!

and in what world « suck stuff up for people you like » means caring for there disable kid when they aren’t and don’t ask just drop him on you? Who could like people like this???

no, no.

That. Where is the nanny?

I'm a bit late to this, but this kind of post really fucks me off. I've been in the exact same position as OP, countless times. I feel like a fucking mug, left to sit at the kids' end of the table, coping with meltdowns and challenges while the parents of said children eat their dinner and sip their wine, having their adult conversations like their kids literally don't exist. Which part of that makes ME the arsehole again?

I always feel sorry for parents who rarely get a break from high maintenance children. Think if the situation was reversed. Would you appreciate a break? I recommend taking turns sitting with the children, including the in-laws.

Because the child who isn’t hers is a PITA, that’s why. I’d refuse to be stuck supervising a child with ADHD. I’d feel like a mug.

They could have brought along a nanny.

Or asked the group instead of dumping their child on OP. It's her holiday too.

But as a member of said "SEN brigade" , with a full time job, degree and a kid with ADHD & having it myself yes our habits can be incredibly frustrating, but we already know .
OP if you need a break, take one. If you need to set boundaries , do so. It's your holiday and no one would blame you .
It's about the parents (taking responsibility and accountability), not the kid, per se .
And when you have had said break and are a bit more calm ask yourself why you feel the need to ask something that's akin to asking a disabled person to walk harder , when they can't.
You accuse us of being the "SEN brigade " but your words hold little sympathy. In fact a lot of you hold little sympathy in fact and wonder why we have an axe to grind.
Have a break and I think you'll see it more clearly.
ADHD kiss need firm boundaries.
ADHD is a neurological condition based in the brain as the brain doesn't take up the feel good hormones (mainly dopamine) and so the brain searches for outside stimulation.
Neurological conditions are brain based & affect behaviour.
1/5 people have adhd .
Adhd is also based in the front of the brain which regulates organisational skills(known as executive function) , regulation of emotion & taming impulsiveness (of thought, word/actions) & regulating attention. What people perceive as willfully being a class A c* e.g. being late, blurting out sentences without a thought (impulsiveness), speaking over people/interrupting others, losing things , & ...also the following poor financial management (oh organisation...), losing things , lack of concentration, hyperactivity e.g. not sitting still (in girls it's talking a lot /dreamily staring out of windows), going off on tangents (I think this might be 1) , hyperactive thoughts , poor working (short term memory ) , poor motivation to do things you arent super interested in even an inabilty to do so even though you flipping wanna...but sure....blame it on WILLFULNESS?
OP ...you clearly have a lot to contend with BUT ...did you see the list above ?
Just say what you mean politely ...instead of putting it on a thread for thousands of people with ADHD to see and give them another battering ram to bash themselves over the head with. And if you don't want to don't go on holiday with them and have days away from them.
This was not intended to be another slight....just a fresh (& honest , perspective).
If they have a maid , bully for them. ADHD is 70% as inheritible as height, so perhaps they have it too. People with adhd have a hard time organising themselves to do housework if not medicated .

Family isn't a safe space to ignore your problems and expect to hand problems over without a thank you.

If family members ask me to help with their children I am happy to but I am not a random maid or teacher at meal time.

Probably because they are uncomfortable refusing and are afraid of offending in-laws or other relatives. I found, several years ago, that it is so easy to say ‘No I’m not coming.’ And you don’t need to give explanations either.
DH and I were invited to a long weekend in Europe for a milestone birthday celebration of a close relative of DH.
I said “Not for me thanks but DH is going and he’ll love it.” And I don’t give a flying f**k what anyone thinks. Oh, the joy of being older and wiser!! 😀

I’ve been there … family holiday in a villa and they would just leave their kids assuming someone else would keep an eye on them (not asking just walking off!).
we always had a ‘passing the baton’ rule with Hubbie and I when our son was small ie you made sure the other one knew they were on duty (or if nipping to loo/getting ready to go out and kiss all together asked someone to keep an eye, never assume).
I never actively said something just avoided being in the situation 🤣

I feel this is unfair on the OP. The BIL and SIL could have asked them if they minded their son sitting with them, not just taken it upon themselves to assume someone else would care for their child.
I understand they would likely need respite however respect needs to be shown to others within the family unit as they’re also on their holiday.

Regardless of the cause of the child’s behaviour which the OP finds disrupting and annoying, she has just as much right to enjoy a relaxing break as anyone else in the group; she should not be expected to be treated as a mealtime maid.

What a stupid comment 😂😂

Ironic username given your comment.