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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we shouldn't be treated like mealtime maids

134 replies

LoveBlueCheese · 29/07/2024 13:44

On a family holiday. 11 of us. In laws, DH's 2 brothers and their wives. 1 nephew, and our own 2 DC. As its difficult to find a table big enough to accomodate everyone, it was easier to split into 2 tables. Scenario was - in laws always arrive early and then everyone else floats in. BIL and SIL with their DS come in and he wants to sit with our kids. Won't begrudge all the kids wanting to sit together. But then BIL and SIL then both choose to sit at the other table! So if DH hadn't spotted it in time, I would have been left alone with 3 kids by myself at the other table! DH came to sit with us and was pretty peed off at his brother and SIL. The same thing happened again the next day until we were deliberately late the next day. Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move.

To add context - their DS has adhd. He is disruptive and literally can't sit still i.e. the kid that keeps running about in restaurants and bugging his parents every 5 minutes for the phone or for this and that. So my own DC can't eat properly either as they get distracted. AIBU to think u should sit with ur DC during mealtimes and supervise them as they are your bloody responsibility!?!!I felt like the bloody mealtime maid and so did DH! nephew is 7, not 17!!

OP posts:
stayathomer · 01/08/2024 11:38

Say it- your turn to get a bit of time with the kids- warm smile, then stand over them until they move😉

Doggymummar · 01/08/2024 11:40

Just do your own thing. I couldn't abide having mealtimes and places dictated to me.

SerafinasGoose · 01/08/2024 11:42

GetOuttaMyPubAgain · 01/08/2024 10:56

Why don't you just say to your inlaws, we've done a few mealtimes supervising the kids so it's your turn tomorrow so we can have a peaceful meal, I think we really should take turns.

I wouldn't be happy with this, either, frankly. When OP agreed to come on a group holiday I doubt she was aware at the time that others had assumed she was signing up for free, not to mention unreciprocal, child supervision.

In view of the fact that I hadn't even been asked, I would not be taking this on. On an alternating basis or otherwise.

If the parents had wanted to reach such an agreement then the time for negotiation was before booking. It would now be an unequivocal 'no' from me.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

user98265374687 · 01/08/2024 11:43

This is why I’d only go away with immediate family for any length of time. People are annoying, particularly when you’re related to them!

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 01/08/2024 11:48

CaribouCarafe · 29/07/2024 15:58

I can't imagine getting too upset about this - it's a temporary situation and they're probably exhausted from parenting a DS with ADHD and having every mealtime be a stressful event. I'd just lean into it and take it as a bonding opportunity rather than strike up a battle over the whole thing

What a dumb thing to say. This is a holiday for everyone, not just parents of a more difficult child.

DearDenimEagle · 01/08/2024 11:53

LoveBlueCheese · 29/07/2024 13:44

On a family holiday. 11 of us. In laws, DH's 2 brothers and their wives. 1 nephew, and our own 2 DC. As its difficult to find a table big enough to accomodate everyone, it was easier to split into 2 tables. Scenario was - in laws always arrive early and then everyone else floats in. BIL and SIL with their DS come in and he wants to sit with our kids. Won't begrudge all the kids wanting to sit together. But then BIL and SIL then both choose to sit at the other table! So if DH hadn't spotted it in time, I would have been left alone with 3 kids by myself at the other table! DH came to sit with us and was pretty peed off at his brother and SIL. The same thing happened again the next day until we were deliberately late the next day. Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move.

To add context - their DS has adhd. He is disruptive and literally can't sit still i.e. the kid that keeps running about in restaurants and bugging his parents every 5 minutes for the phone or for this and that. So my own DC can't eat properly either as they get distracted. AIBU to think u should sit with ur DC during mealtimes and supervise them as they are your bloody responsibility!?!!I felt like the bloody mealtime maid and so did DH! nephew is 7, not 17!!

your needs and wishes should be taken into account. I always preferred to be with the children away from the adults, not only just for meal times, so it wouldn’t bother me.
However, not everyone has family like mine

No one should dump their kids on you especially if the child is difficult.

TruthorDie · 01/08/2024 11:58

Heavyboom · 01/08/2024 09:12

In my family, all the adults who don't spend their lives caring for the child with additional needs (or any children, actually) would recognise that the parents need a break and step up.

When my DC were young, that was pretty much the point of holidays with extended family, I cried when it was time to leave and go back to real life, without the support once!

Then when DSis had her DC, when mine were older, I (and my DC) gave her a break when we went away together.

Did you discuss receiving the extra support on holiday beforehand?

OnTheRoll · 01/08/2024 12:13

Heavyboom · 01/08/2024 09:12

In my family, all the adults who don't spend their lives caring for the child with additional needs (or any children, actually) would recognise that the parents need a break and step up.

When my DC were young, that was pretty much the point of holidays with extended family, I cried when it was time to leave and go back to real life, without the support once!

Then when DSis had her DC, when mine were older, I (and my DC) gave her a break when we went away together.

Well, you say "In my family, all the adults who don't spend their lives caring for the child with additional needs (or any children, actually)"

The OP has two children of her own. Not ND (I assume) but anyone would agree two can be a handful. Where is her break? Who from the family is stepping up to help her?

Instead, on her holiday, she is still doing everything for her two children AND for someone else's one. Why is no other adult recognising that and offering support?

Lacdulancelot · 01/08/2024 12:14

Eat at a different time without them.
it’s your holiday.
Unless someone else paid for it you can do what you want.

LemonMead · 01/08/2024 12:15

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

All children have needs. As a parent, your child is your responsibility. Op's nephew is not her responsibility, especially when said nephew's parents are deliberately sitting apart and eating, instead of caring for him.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/08/2024 12:25

maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point.

Maybe the OP needs a rest on holiday as well! Thing is, you don’t get a rest as parents, you do have the option to ask for some help though-which they haven’t done.

They could take it in turns to sit with their child, whilst the other one has a rest, but as they aren’t using any form of communication here and are just nagging off and presuming OP is up for offering them respite all holiday, then it’s going to really piss people off.

In my family, all the adults who don't spend their lives caring for the child with additional needs (or any children, actually)

I hope nobody would do this without checking the other adults are ok with it though. In the case of the OP, no discussion has been had and the BIL/SIL are just assuming it’s their chance to have a break and that OP/DH want to spend their holiday looking after three kids instead of their usual 2!

I wouldn’t be going on holiday with them in future. I presume this is the first time this has happened?

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2024 12:41

CaribouCarafe · 29/07/2024 15:58

I can't imagine getting too upset about this - it's a temporary situation and they're probably exhausted from parenting a DS with ADHD and having every mealtime be a stressful event. I'd just lean into it and take it as a bonding opportunity rather than strike up a battle over the whole thing

Maybe they need to have a conversation with everyone rather than just abandoning their responsibilities to others then?

TruthorDie · 01/08/2024 12:42

Nothingspecialhere · 01/08/2024 08:51

What I’ve taken from your post is you have no understanding of additional needs and have decided your nephew is ‘disruptive’ and ‘bugging’. Regardless of the situation, your use of language is rather offensive. He does not choose to behave in such a way. Maybe a little more empathy and understanding of ADHD and other needs may make the situation different for you?

I understand you are on holiday and do not want to help your nephew. This is your BIL life though and you are fed up after a few days? As a parent of a child with additional needs, no, I would never leave my child to sit without me and wouldn’t dream of doing so, but maybe they need a rest as are at breaking point. Family should been seen as a safe space to help. You need to tell them you don’t want to as you clearly dislike your nephew based on your description of him.

Whether he has that diagnosis or not then he still sounds annoying. Plus OP has to parent her own children and it’s her holiday as well. There was a similar thread last summer with a nephew spoiling a wider family holiday with his behaviour, he had no diagnoses but was going to assesses shortly. The consensus of opinion was she should do her own thing and avoid him if she wished. Why should a family member be allowed to ruin the holiday of a lifetime?

5128gap · 01/08/2024 12:45

Nephew wants to sit with your DC at your table. You get up and say "Here you are BiL and SiL, you have our seats with the DC so you can supervise nephew" they will either agree without complaint or say "that's OK, he's fine" to which you will need to reply "I think nephew is better with you to help and supervise him. Do you want our two to sit with us?"

TruthorDie · 01/08/2024 12:45

Lacdulancelot · 01/08/2024 12:14

Eat at a different time without them.
it’s your holiday.
Unless someone else paid for it you can do what you want.

I wouldn’t be happy even if someone did pay. Annual leave is previous after all. Plus being at home with 2 children sounds easier than caring for 3 children, especially if they are quite high energy and demanding

Viviennemary · 01/08/2024 12:46

Don't go on holiday with them again. All adults should pull together.

VividQuoter · 01/08/2024 12:49

Just don't socialise with your in laws.

RosesAndHellebores · 01/08/2024 12:51

So there are four of you on holiday with seven other family members. That would represent a seventh circle of hell for me. So many people, ime, have unrealistic expectations of these sorts of happy families arrangements.

For the sake of harmony over the next several years I think you have to suck it up as part of a poor decision.

Never, ever do it again.

muggletops · 01/08/2024 13:01

Not sure if anyone has suggested this but can't you sit at your own table of 4 without IL's or brother and his wife and kids sometimes? If you are on holiday as a family, it doesn't have to be the same each mealtime and I would like to have time with my DH and two DC alone too.

Fluufer · 01/08/2024 13:10

Why don't you just agree to take turns? This really doesn't sound like something to fall out over. The kids want to sit together, they're probably exhausted with a disruptive ADHD 7yo, switch over and you all get a break. Or one of you sits with the kids and the other with the adults. There's what 8 adults and 3 kids? Help each other out a bit!

velvetcoat · 01/08/2024 13:12

All children have needs. As a parent, your child is your responsibility. Op's nephew is not her responsibility, especially when said nephew's parents are deliberately sitting apart and eating, instead of caring for him

Exactly this. My two are NT but they were absolutely exhausting/hyperactive when they were young and meal times were quite stressful. I wouldnt have been able to supervise another child as well. Obv if the parents had expressed their exhaustion to me I may have compromised to help them out but its my holiday too and I dont see why that means I am not worthy to enjoy it or be allowed to relax at all.

Besides, when a child has ADHD unless you know them very very well, you are unlikely to know their triggers, what calms them, what soothes them, their typical routines etc so its going to be harder to know how to approach certain behaviours or assist them in a helpful supportive way.

No problem with parents needing a break but you dont just leave your child alone at a table and just assume a random family member will simply take over FFS.

Poettree · 01/08/2024 13:19

If their child has additional needs then he needs to be supervised by a parent through the meal. How mean to leave him alone on the other table, and how entitled to palm him off on the other available mother. They need to manage their holiday so that their child is having a good time but is also supported. It's called parenting.

Vettrianofan · 01/08/2024 13:19

Remember, enjoy your "relaxing " summer holidays 😎 😬

There's nothing remotely relaxing about it if you have children with additional needs....

tiddletiddleboomboom · 01/08/2024 13:25

I’m just playing devil’s advocate that maybe they are totally burnt out and in need of a little time

This may well be true and I agree that families help each other but in that case why arent they ALL helping out then?

Why is it only the OP who has to do it every single time? There are apparently a total of 8 adults present and yet its only the OP who has to supervise them every meal time......

It's always a woman who has to do it isnt it? funny that.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/08/2024 13:28

There's nothing remotely relaxing about it if you have children with additional needs....

Holidaying with two young children isn’t always terribly relaxing either. I would imagine it’s even harder for the OP in that situation with one more thrown into the mix!