To think we shouldn't be treated like mealtime maids

[LoveBlueCheese]

On a family holiday. 11 of us. In laws, DH's 2 brothers and their wives. 1 nephew, and our own 2 DC. As its difficult to find a table big enough to accomodate everyone, it was easier to split into 2 tables. Scenario was - in laws always arrive early and then everyone else floats in. BIL and SIL with their DS come in and he wants to sit with our kids. Won't begrudge all the kids wanting to sit together. But then BIL and SIL then both choose to sit at the other table! So if DH hadn't spotted it in time, I would have been left alone with 3 kids by myself at the other table! DH came to sit with us and was pretty peed off at his brother and SIL. The same thing happened again the next day until we were deliberately late the next day. Amazingly BIL and SIL rocked up and got their DS to sit alone at the table and sat away from him with the rest until MIL made a snarky comment which made them move.

To add context - their DS has adhd. He is disruptive and literally can't sit still i.e. the kid that keeps running about in restaurants and bugging his parents every 5 minutes for the phone or for this and that. So my own DC can't eat properly either as they get distracted. AIBU to think u should sit with ur DC during mealtimes and supervise them as they are your bloody responsibility!?!!I felt like the bloody mealtime maid and so did DH! nephew is 7, not 17!!

I stopped going on weekends / holidays / even staying with the ILs when I realised no other adults except my husband and I were pulling their weights. Literally everything was down to us, to the extent we ended up catering an entire weekend of golden wedding celebrations despite me expressly stating they needed caterers. Did they hire them?!
Did they fuck and predictably we spent all weekend in the kitchen

Back away now. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Why do so many people on Mumsnet go on holiday with people they clearly don't like?

Pull tables together, or go somewhere that's more suitable for your nephew. He clearly isn't coping in these environments and needs support.

Order a Deliveroo and eat in.

He clearly isn't coping in these environments

without his parents.

and needs support.

from his parents.

and why was this not discussed up front before the holiday?

Yes, quite. In fact, if each adult took a turn to do meal time duty for one day, they would all be able to have at least 7 days worth of uninterrupted meals so that everyone can have a break!

But apparently, its only the OP who is required to be kind and supportive, noone else 🙄

Yep. Lots of people seem to forget OP has 2 children

I don't blame the parents for needing a break, but if you wanted a relaxing holiday, going with a party that included that child was probably not the best decision.

Op also has children. When is her break?

Are you coming back @LoveBlueCheese ?

They have some nerve. Tring to treat you like unpaid childcare and not even asking!

Didn't want to disrupt my already disruptive holiday but since the woke SEN brigade has stepped in to comment on my supposed lack of understanding about ADHD, fine!! The parents of nephew who has ADHD live in a country with live in maids. No prizes for guessing which country this might be. Their son is constantly attended to by a maid. And on the days when the maid is allowed a day off, their child goes over to the other grandparents (i.e., maternal grandparents). Sue me for not being a bloody bleeding heart FFS. The parents need a break!?? A BREAK???

As pertinent as your comments are, their bloody parents should still be taking care of their kids, especially if one has issues.

Aaah. So these people barely do any parenting. This puts an even worse spin on it.

Well you lost me at "Woke SEN Brigade."

That's a shitty comment. For various reasons.

In that case, it almost makes it easier to point out that you are not their staff!

Have you spent much time with them before? Could you have guessed the holiday would end up like this? I think I’d have not gone if so!

OP's been on the receiving end of many condescending and shitty comments, too, from people telling her she owes the parents of ND kids a break.

Agree, OP has had many people on this thread telling her essentially that her inlaws need a break from parenting and she should give up her own holiday to do it for them. Um, no. Not how life works. I don't blame her for defending herself here by laying out what their 'parenting' actually is when they're not on holiday.

I feel sorry for all these childless relatives who are evidently expected to 'step up' and sacrifice their own much-needed holiday in the name of supporting family members with kids! I wouldn't mind helping out a bit here and there, but life's not a breeze for most people, even without children, and the point of the holiday is to relax, not change one job for another.

I wouldn't be happy to be given sole responsibility for a child whose behaviour is challenging at mealtimes, repeatedly, without so much as word—all while the rest of the adults enjoyed themselves at another table!

Some women are very good at volunteering other women for Wife Work.

It's strange how they never suggest that a man might do it.

Hope you stick to your guns, OP, and go out to sample some good local fare this evening. Women are not maids.

On a related point they're DH's family - time he stepped up and told them this.

No idea why people go on these mega group holidays. Recipe for disastrous family relationships.

Your kid is your responsibility regardless of needs.
you may need a break but it doesn’t entitle you to assume that you can offload parenting

Well yes, it is OK. If she allows her DH to behave like that, it is entirely her shout. It's her husband, her kids and her life. Not saying it's right, but it's her choice or problem (however you want to view it). That doesn't mean to say that everyone else can treat her the same way does it. If her DH shouted at her, does that give the BIL the right to also do so?

When we went on holiday with family when I was a child, there was a children's table and an adults' table. The children were expected to sit nicely and show good manners, otherwise they were pulled from the children's table by their parents and had to sit behind them at the adults' table and didn't get ice cream. There was usually a stack of colouring or a pile of sticker books on the children's table, or a game like tiddly- winks brought along by one of the families.

You’ve had posters reply that understand or have experience of SEN children. I can’t say any of the replies have jumped out as being “woke” , more just offering an opinion that more understanding of the other parents situation wouldn’t go a miss.
You seem extremely able to verbalise your issues on here yet not face to face with the rest of your holiday comrades, people were merely suggesting they might be at breaking point and unable to ask for support.
you know them and their situation. We only know what you posted.
Your original post showed zero understanding or compassion of your nephew or his parents situation and this latest post is frankly disgusting.
As a mum of an adopted child who is autistic and has ADHD and at breaking point I’d just like to say our world is made 10 times worse than the often living hell it is because of ignorant people like you and comments like that. It’s no wonder we never ask for help because you never know the person you’re asking and whether you’ll get a response like that.
take a long hard look at yourself before criticising other people’s parenting because if this is what you’re demonstrating to your children heaven help the world we live in.