Are parents in Cambridge uniquely ineffectual?

[ohrly]

Name change. I apologise for the clickbait title, my observations are based solely on our (primary) school and not all parents here.

We moved here six months ago from a more working-class area. Although that area had its problems, parents generally ensured their kids had basic manners, proper grooming, and weren't violent.

However, at my son's new school, I've noticed a significant lack of manners among many kids. Parents don't seem to enforce them either. The children demand things from their parents and others and are generally rude.

There are a few kids, despite being over seven years old, who frequently hit and push others. Parents respond with mild comments like "Oh no, that's not nice" instead of a more assertive, proportionate reaction like, "Do not hit. If you do that again, we will go home."

Parents also don't seem to enforce boundaries effectively. Instead of saying "5 minutes until we leave the park," they ask, "Are you ready to go now? Okay sweetie, no worries."

Moreover, parents often talk about their kids in a way that suggests the children are in control. They say things like, "Oh, she won't let me..." or "Oh, she doesn't like..." A common issue is kids refusing to let their parents brush their hair, resulting in matted hair.

At parties, no parents watch what's happening, and the kids go quite wild. I've had to stop myself from telling off so many kids.

These observations span a mix of nationalities, but all are middle-class families.
Is this a common occurrence now, or is it specific to Cambridge, this school, or the middle classes? Or am I just going mad?!

I honestly thought I was a super liberal parent until I moved here!

YABU - Stop judging / this isn't a real thing
YANBU - Yes these parents sound dreadful

I brought my kids up in Cambridge.

Not something I experienced although mine are now 23.

We have friends like this we have always been firm but loving with our daughter and she is brill and does all sorts of things like cadets and scouts and loves the rules.

We have explained many times that we are her parents before we are her friends and our job is first and format to keep her safe and then to make her happy. We also explained form a young age that making her happy in life is more important than making her happy now and that there maybe things we do now that make her unhappy now but will make her happy in life.

she is great but still now she knows the boundaries and knows that when we say no it means no.

our friends children (one In particular) is incredibly unhappy never goes out plays play station the whole time and does nothing else.

I am a Cambridge parent and yes, I am totally ineffectual.

Ha! Why are you ineffectual? I would love to understand more.

The children sound like the results of 'gentle parenting' to me!!!

Parents should just get on & do their job of parenting & stop being ineffectual wet blankets always trying to appease their kids. No wonder society is in a mess.

I think its the result of a parenting style that has become more popular. don't want to call it gentle parenting, perhaps permissive is a better descriptor.

I was an ineffectual Cambridge parent too. To be fair, there are a lot of ND people in Cambridge (because of the university and all the software companies) so maybe that plays a part. It did in my family anyway.

100% yes.

And so many of us who are only a success in life because we are ND. We look great in the university but in a state primary school we get called all sorts of things that are none too complimentary.

Cobblers parenting is everywhere now not just cambridge

If you see a parent who is totally floundering, it might be a kindness to ask what their academic subject is and listen to them witter for a bit. You will enjoy the story and they will feel a little bit more confident in trying to fit in.

YANBU, but it's common everywhere.

@TotallyIneffectual I’m more in the ‘non brilliant autistic’ category myself. My DS is the maths genius!

We were at Mayfield until DS couldn’t take any more!

Not Cambridge, but I once startled a "gentle" mummy who came in specifically to let me know that my having stern words with her son "had really upset him", by explaining that the general idea had been to make clear that some of his behaviour had been seriously wide of the mark. a=as far as I was concerned, he'd had a brisk dressing down, seen the error of his ways, promised not to do it again, and we all moved on, and I wasn't going to dwell on it if he'd got the message.
I'm all for praise and positivity where possible, but youngsters can sniff out insincerity and sometimes they need to know that their words or deeds are not quite the thing.

Neurodiversity in absolutely not an excuse for this lack of parenting, or the kids behaviour. I have 3dc on the spectrum and they are well mannered, polite, kind and considerate....because they have been taught to be so! I also have two children who are NT and they too are lovely kids. I have never practiced an ounce of gentle parenting in our house though 😂

Are you home schooling now? We are too. (possibly not far away)

I’m a Cambridge parent, and my youngest child is A level age. I have other parents ask me how/why my kids are decent human beings and their’s are horrendous. I think making sacrifices to be home with the children through primary school (I worked evenings/weekends) made a difference as I wasn’t relying on childcare and could actively parent. I’m also a fan of firm boundaries. I’m amazed when I heard parents say ‘I can’t take their phone away or ground them as they won’t let me’.

I now have a high pressured job and cannot imagine how hard it much be if both parents are working full time. I’d have let a lot more slide for an easy life had that been the case... it’s bloody expensive to live here, parents work in very demanding jobs and the world does feel different post-Covid.

I think it can be a factor in some things though eg ‘not letting’ parents brush hair due to sensory issues. I partly see myself described here (the hair; also I greatly see the benefits of a ‘low-demand’ approach) but also raise my eyebrows at some of the ineffectual parenting I witness (not in Cambridge but I can empathise as DD2 is the product of 2 Cambridge graduate parents, which might be a contributing factor).

That said, I think how children turn out is a great deal down to luck as much as ‘parenting’. Bringing up a content ND child is not always straightforward to say the least and judgement from others doesn’t help. And it can be easy to give yourself credit for your child’s achievements when really that’s just how they are.

@Tibssix I’m sorry to disagree slightly, but I’ve got two ND sons and one was very badly behaved when he was younger, and had no sense of how his behaviour affected others. Discipline just made him worse. My other DS is very quiet, polite and considerate.

I can’t tell you that they’ve been parented in exactly the same way because parenting is an interactive process, but they had the same parents.

Interesting.
I spent a term in Cambridge when my kids were small and I was struck by how different the small talk was in the play areas to my usual northern working class area. In Cambridge the mums would often strike up a conversation by commenting on how advanced people’s children were, which wasn’t something I had ever heard in Yorkshire. Nursery was terrifying, there was a nativity play and the dads were climbing on tables to try and get a good photo. Again, it was much more chilled at home. I ended up very grateful I didn’t have to stay there.
Oh and the nursery had quotes from Dostoevsky on the wall….

Yes this is absolutely the case in some schools here. Not all schools are like that but some can be terribly competitive.

Is it nicer where you are now? We have really seriously wondered about moving away to get DC space to grow up without all the pressure.

This thread is making me miss Cambridge and all my fellow eccentrics🙁.

I'd love to know which school this is. The primary my two youngest went to was like that. Woolly and dreadfully middle class. Lots of lentil weaving and tinkly laughter. I don't think they're all like that but Cambridge is a bubble in almost every way

Also name changed.

I’d say there is a higher percentage of neurodivergent families here than some other parts of the country. I think that plays into some of the hair brushing, “he doesn’t like”, not telling their child what to do type stuff. I haven’t seen hitting from older kids though, or the “that’s not very nice” response to hitting either.

”Properly groomed” is just a social norm that differs. I dare say my slightly scruffy children in secondhand clothing and with fairly outgrown haircuts, which isn’t unusual here, would be regarded as ungroomed and would standout in an area where new and branded clothing and “done” hair is more the norm. I don’t think that actually matters does it?

Most of the parents I know here are nice people, with nice kids, trying their best, just like everyone else. I don’t recognise the descriptions of gentle parenting or of pressure for that matter. My kids are happy here and frankly I’ve got more issue with house prices and the crazy traffic than I do with how other people parent or my kids’ school lives. Maybe it’s different in other parts of the city - there are parts that are distinctively Cambridge whereas the bit we live in could probably be mistaken for any number of city suburbs.