I would swap with her in an instant

[Cookiecrumblane]

I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

Madness.

Beauty fades and men stop being nice. Are women's lives only worth something if men want to shag them?

Please get some help for your internal misogyny and your self worth issues. Swapping life with an unemployed woman because men smile at her. Stop! Think! Get help.

Oh come on I would never voice these thoughts in real life. I have lots of really attractive friends who I am happy for and enjoy their company. I can see that they face the same struggles that I do, and have adversities etc. I suppose my lack of sympathy for this person was due to 1.) it was her fault she lost her job, which she wouldn't acknowledge, but also that she is still leaving the situation with a reference, cash and would be at an advantage when interviewing over someone who looks like me.

Men walked across the street to be closer to her - are you kidding?

Talk about creepy. I’d be terrified in that instance. Would you really want that happening everyday?

I didn't say she 'must' be secretly miserable, but as you say yourself, we all have moments of sadness. It seems only those on the right side of average are allowed to express them, though.

I think there is a lot of shooting the messenger going on, in this thread, where people are clambering over each other to point out that there is more to life than looks - which we all know - but also, looks matter a lot, lot more than most of in our hearts think they "should". So everyone is pointing this indignation at the OP

Nothing she said indicated she wasnt "allowed" to be sad.

Nothing. If she's her friend I am sure she's been there for her during periods of sadness but that doesnt change the fact that some people are naturally just sunny in their demeanour and it doesnt mean they are just lying or putting on a front for others.

She said:

So if my 'plain and fat' friend wanted to wallow and feel sorry for herself or constantly bang on about how everyone else was better looking than her then she'd be seen as that plain, fat woman first and foremost

OP this is really about you, not her. Can you use some of your financial security to make yourself feel better - get a haircut, buy some nice clothes, get a personal trainer - whatever would make you feel more put together and confident in yourself.

The thing about being a woman is yes there is a lot of pressure, but there is also a lot we can do to look more polished. Rightly or wrongly, a lot of what is seen as attractive is really good grooming.

There will always be someone better looking, but you can make the best of what you have. Obviously it's something that bothers you, so do something about it.

I have a friend who is a top barrister and another friend said 'I bet her husband prefers my cake to hers as she is not a very good cook. ' I replied ' I wouldn't mind pulling in £250K plus a year. Does she need to be able to bake cakes?'

Yes, meaning that her friend doesnt wallow and doesnt constantly bang on about it. I dont do those things either because doing them actually makes me feel worse, not better.

You are assuming that her friend is unhappy being the way she is- she clearly isnt and why should she be?

Yes this jumped out at me as well - men crossing the street would be scary not flattering.

I haven’t read the full thread OP but I have been wondering what changes you might want to make or be able to make in your own life so that you are happier and more content?

Years ago I was once pretty. I'm nearly 60 now, single with a modest income. When I was young people described me as looking like a doll. My best friend basically said the same as you. She said as a blonde pretty girl my life would be easier and guess what. She is the successful happily married one. I spent 28 years with the wrong man and split up at the age of 47. I did meet someone else who said to me. I bet you were pretty when you were young. Looks don't last and to secure a future based on looks is heading fir disappointment. people who are good looking want to be seen for mire than just their looks. I am far from pretty now but very happily single x

Didn't RFT, but it MUST be reverse from a bitter 'pretty' because why unattractive person has it all and she has just been sucked regardless of her 'beauty'?

That's an interesting take.

But you’ve got a good job, why didn’t they give it to someone prettier?

Yes. Doesn’t your post prove that this woman, despite being pretty, is a total mess — fired for what sounds like idiocy (I mean, most jobs don’t like it if you sleep in or just vanish in the middle of the working day, and it doesn’t take any intelligence to grasp this…?), broke, potentially homeless…? Not all the good looks and sexual attractiveness in the world are going to mitigate against this level of inability to cope with day to day life. Her former employer may be concerned about her, but he/she still fired her!

Exactly! Why not skip the interviews, experience and qualifications bit, and just award jobs on headshots?

She was still sacked for being useless even if she is pretty. It clearly didn't make a lot of difference.

This. Your argument kind of collapses here doesnt it?

According to you, you should be living in the gutter and she ought to be a millionaire CEO by now. Yet thats not the case so maybe, just maybe, you are wrong OP.

I am not assuming that at all - you are missing the point.

The poster said So if my 'plain and fat' friend wanted to wallow and feel sorry for herself or constantly bang on about how everyone else was better looking than her then she'd be seen as that plain, fat woman first and foremost

In other words, unless her friend is 'lighting up the room' with her 'relentless positivity' she is just a 'plain, fat woman'. The poster has singled out this particular woman to say this about because she is fat and plan - the poster hasn't demanded that her better-looking colleagues light up the room with their jollity; they can exist as something other than their looks without being the pantomime comic.

Nor has she acknowledged her friend's right to exist as anything other than 'jolly woman' or 'fat, plain woman'. There's no question of her existing as (e.g.) 'woman who's a whiz at Excel' or 'woman who is really into horse-riding' or 'woman who moved house last year' or 'woman who organised the charity fundraiser'. If she doesn't conform to the 'jolly' expectation, she must be 'that plain, fat woman first and foremost'.

@Naunet they have, many, many times. Many times am I not the first choice for something but the hot, exciting candidate doesn't work out/ leaves/ doesn't have the qualifications. I'm an eternal back up.

This is the kind of irrational thinking I used to have as a teen and twenties, as I had dysmorphia- facial dysmorphia where I believed, completely truly, that I was terribly ugly and used to do things to try to make it better (make-up, thinking I looked better in the dark, never allowing people to see my natural face). I would also see very pretty people and just want to be them, even though I was blessed with lots of good qualities and advantages.

This was completely disordered thinking. As it turns out, I was reasonably attractive anyway, so the beliefs were completely false, and it also turns out that it's not the be all and end all of life so now I'm older I'm coping better so ageing is not as bad as I feared.

I still have the odd pang from the past, but I can see it was irrational and a sign of a disorder, not a realistic appraisal of the situation. It was a complete time-suck and I regret wasting at least a decade of my life on it!

You are so full of jealousy it's unbelievable! Please get over yourself! She is unemployed, up to her ears in debt..............

You sound like you have low self esteem. I'm struggling to believe this is real. Your friend was upset and all you could think about was how jealous you are of her? Wtf

The reason I'm mentioning my experience is it's pointless to argue with the OP, because the feelings are coming from an irrational place. Although there's a slight pretty privilege, millions, indeed billions of ordinary people get jobs, find partners and go on to have ordinary looking kids. You don't have to be exceptionally head-turningly pretty to live a good life and to believe otherwise is a product of insecurity and irrationality.