I would swap with her in an instant

[Cookiecrumblane]

I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

So, you had someone in floods of tears telling you her problems, with low self esteem, who is likely to be kicked out of her place to live and all you were bothered about the entire time is how many men were looking at her throughout all of this?

Have you considered that maybe you are still single because you arent very empathic or kind?

Everyone gets used to their privileges. She likely doesn’t feel them anymore (if she ever did), the same as you don’t feel yours.

I think the post is a load of made up rubbish.

The only reason someone would notice a man crossing the road to be closer to you is because they’d be giving off major creepy, stalking vibes.

Nobody in their right mind would swap financial stability and their home, to be a jobless, penniless, stressed out but prettier person.

There seems to be a lack of understanding by those who think of themselves as attractive

I got served in a shop and turned down the guy who asked me out

Going on dates I find men just want arm candy

The fact that someone served you or the fact that guys wanted to date in the first place. You are just proving the point that being pretty gets you things.

Try being ugly looking and struggling to be served or not being served or not getting dates.

It’s the fact you assume that everyone gets the basics

This. My first thought was that it was written by AI.

Jesus, this woman had just got sacked for being shit at her job. Liz Hurley's boyfriend cheated on her with a ropey prostitute, Gwen Steffani's husband shagged the much younger nanny, Christina Applegate is suffering with MS and look what happened to Marilyn Monroe...pretty women are not in immune from life's misfortunes.

Get a grip and live your life.

Brutally, she doesn’t sound like she’s made great decisions or is ‘clever’ as you describe yourself. I’d rather have the decent job, financial security etc. Having been morbidly obese for a long time, I never found it affected friendships/employment/sexual attraction. Her being pretty hasn’t helped her self esteem or finances, has it?

Looks fade. I’m sure we’d all love to look like a really beautiful woman, but ultimately, would it help in any way except to attract partners/harassment/unwanted comments?

I agree- this post is garbage.

Absolutely no woman would want or crave after creepy strange men to be following them in the street or hanging around them on a night out, its frightening and scary and you worry you are going to be attacked.

Absolute BS.

Marilyn Monroe was the first person I thought of.

How old are you?

I could imagine half thinking something like this at 20- mayyybe 24ish but not really meaning it… but by 30 certainly I’d seen enough of the world to realise being a beautiful woman is more than a double edged sword

a question to think about:
is it that you feel you are fundamentally unloveable?
would you feel differently if you were in a long term relationship?
you sound like you need to work on your self esteem

Sorry I don't think I explained myself very well last night, it was late and I was watching a subtitled film at the same time!
Obviously I feel sorry for her and I have consoled her lots. She is in a bad place and I'm doing all I can to help her. That said, she did do some really questionable things at work (didn't turn up as she was sleeping, left randomly in the middle of the day) and I wonder how I would have been treated if I had behaved that way. Even now her ex employer is texting her, asking if she is ok, sending her money etc. It's wild and i know it's not great that they probably just want to sleep with her, but the result is the same, she's at an advantage in terms of leaving with a good reference, extra money and probably will get another job easily.
So yes I'm happy with my lot in life, but the fact remains that we live in a very looks orientated society and men don't really seem to give a shit about what I bring to the table. Because I'm not hot.
So they will consistently choose hot women who may bring financial instability or a lack of ambition over a 4/10 who knows what she wants and owns her place. The reason for this is simple, they are already expecting to be the higher earner, the one with the big job. So my aspirations just seem to get in the way.
I know there are women who have both brains and beauty but obviously I lose out to them too. So yes, in all over parts of life I'm winning, but ultimately my friend still has the upper hand when it comes to dating. She can work on everything else, and it doesn't seem to matter too much to men either.
Does it not depress the shit out of you sometimes? Especially if you are single. When I was married I gave less of a shit. I'm not even desperate to date, which is a good job as in the three years I haven't had anyone, not one man, make any effort to talk to me. They just treat me like a man.

OP, despite their overrepresentation in media, beautiful women are a small minority and most women are ordinary looking. Beautiful women certainly have some advantages, though they definitely aren't an assurance of a perfect life, but the vast majority of women aren't conventional stunners. You aren't at as much of a disadvantage as you probably think. Just being a woman of any description is more of a disadvantage than not being a stunning one.

Has it occurred to you that the reason people like her is because she's a nice person?

@Cookiecrumblane

I think potentially you are looking for the wrong kind of man.

The kind who wants a partner, aren't bothered about who earns the money as long as it's coming in to fund the life you want to build together and are looking at women as a person are out there.

However, they also may not be "hot" or built or have women hanging all over them. They may be the ones in the background who are nervous to approach the "4/10" as you described it because they see them as a 10/10 and think they're out of their league.

Widen your net.

I wonder how I would have been treated if I had behaved that way.

You’d have been fired. Just like her. You’re reading way too much into this, her ex boss wants to get into her knickers, it’s as simple as that.

In my younger ‘prettier’ days I was followed four times by men (could have been more but these I was aware of) and it was bloody frightening. One of the times I ended up contacting my brother who was working close by because I was afraid of going any further (I was walking home and knew I’d be entering a quieter road). Luckily by brother came and walked me home.

Another time I ended up confronting him (in a shop) and shouted at him to leave me alone (he denied he was following me but he clearly was following me from shop to shop), the third was particularly scary as again I turned round to confront him and he was wearing a bloody balaclava! I took my stiletto off (it was the 80s) and chased him down the road with it shouting at him (as scared as I was would try and channel anger rather than fear).

The fourth one was really scary and I ended up having police protection for a few days (I have to say the police were fantastic and were literally parked outside my home - this again was the 80s).

I got harassed and hassled everywhere I went, I was considered very attractive but the reality was I was very shy, very reserved, very introverted. I just wanted to be left alone.

I think that’s why now, in my sixties, overweight and ‘plain’, I truly love being invisible.

So yes I'm happy with my lot in life, but the fact remains that we live in a very looks orientated society and men don't really seem to give a shit about what I bring to the table. Because I'm not hot

So, are you saying that every single person you know who is in a relationship is "hot"?

Because thats bollocks too- you only have to walk down the street to see that couples of all levels of attractiveness are in relationships. If it wasnt so, then only supermodels would be coupled up and everyone else would be permanently single but they arent are they? so how do you explain that.....

Your problem is your attitude, it's coming across as jealous and bitter and thats deeply unattractive to everyone.

Being a man is even easier and comes without all this BS.

I am very unattractive. I wouldn't call myself particularly successful - I am neither a high flyer nor wealthy - but I am financially comfortable and have been in stable employment all my adult life (as far as anyone's employment can be stable these days). I was an academic high-flyer but it didn't translate into career success. I am married to someone who loves me as I am. I have always managed my money very carefully on the general principle of not buying things I can't afford.

Would I swap places with someone who was beautiful but (based on your description) not very clever and bad at managing their money?

I've often thought I'd give a lot for the experience of being beautiful, even if only for one day - having people look at me with admiration, seeing my reflection and not cringing, having men go out of their way to be polite and helpful.

In a way, it's not a fair question because if I were to swap into your friend's body and life which is falling apart, but keep my own mind, I have the benefit of 50 years managing to get along without 'beauty privilege' to start sorting myself out and I would have a sense of being really happy, despite everything, to suddenly look so amazing.

If I just 'became' her, I wouldn't appreciate the huge advantage I had gained and would just be plunged into the turmoil she's in, which no one would want.

Absolutely ridiculous statement. You have no idea if someone pretty has had an easy life, you don’t know what trauma she might have been through, if she has a hard time being taken seriously, if when something horrible happens, her horrible friends objectify her rather than have any empathy.

I was pretty when I was younger, I was also sexually abused by my dad from the age of three, and wondered if maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been a cute looking toddler, I’ve blamed myself a lot, I was then raped by someone else at 15. My mum has always been iced cold and unsupportive, always seemed to resent me and would never help me, even when I left my first abusive boyfriend at 19 and asked her for a tenner so I could feed myself until payday, and she said no.

Have more men opened doors for me? I don’t know, maybe, but I’ve opened just as many for others. Do you think that’s worth the objectification and awful childhood? Don’t judge a book by its cover, you have no clue what they’ve been through.

They crossed the street to walk closer to her.

What? That's creepy.

I understand what you are saying. Even when she is at her lowest point, you believe she is still holding a better hand of cards than you will ever have, and that’s unfair.

Buy nobody has it easy, there is no road without a turn in it.

Your update describes exactly why you are experiencing this. You seem to have split the world into "winners" and "losers". It's not a competition.

If you view the world in this way then you will get exactly what you expect.
If you want to continue down this road then thats your choice but at least accept that you are the common denominator here and its you that is causing this to happen, not the fact that there are some very pretty women who have the gall to merely exist.

Your life sounds very together while hers is falling apart. Men smiling or holding doors open is not nearly as useful as a good career and being able to pay the bills.

If you swapped lives with her you would want to swap back within 10mins of stressing about how to pay the bills. Really flippant attitude to your "friends" very real problems.

Good looking privilege is definitely a thing...but theres so many other things at play that it doesn't get you that far.
I think being good looking makes getting dates easier but finding a deeper connection harder.