I would swap with her in an instant

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I am a sort of clever woman, financially secure, good at what I do. I have lots of friends and family around me, despite being single.
Today I met a woman through a friend, ten years younger than me. She was upset at losing her job last month, she had tried but made a serious of errors and was eventually sacked.
Even as she cried, she looked beautiful. She told me about her various problems, not being able to pay rent, her debt, her self esteem.
And I thought how much I would love to be that pretty. She was distraught, but even with all that was going on, she was served first and efficiently in the bar. Men held doors and beamed at her. They crossed the street to walk closer to her.
I have never had that. And so what good is education, my job, my success. Because ultimately she'll end up ok. She is more likely to get a job and when she does people will praise what she does much more than they praise people who look like me.
Is that mad? That I would swap with her in an instant, even to be jobless and at risk of losing my flat, just to feel visible?
I'm sure men don't feel this way.

We do. But the taste of not admiring slim blonde women seems over represented amongst women from my observations. With lots of women apparantly not 'seeing it' where such women are concerned. I've seen numerous threads along the lines of 'what's all the fuss about blondes?' Where people come on to say they don't admire the look, being rather rude in many cases, in a way you'd never see about brunettes or red haired women. Which is strangely at odds with blonde being such a popular colour to dye hair to, and the other MN stereotype of the beautiful tall blonde DD.

I agree with the poster who said beauty is facial rather than about hair colour, so find it difficult to understand why people say they don't find blonde women attractive as these women can have a range of features from plain to beautiful just like women with other hair colours.

I agree about money, which is definitely the most powerful advantage. It can't solve everything but it does solve most things.

We are making the same point. Neither of us seem to think that simply having blonde hair makes a woman attractive. It isn’t an automatic pass. Features are more important. I didn’t/don’t see the outward beauty woman I referred to as to be honest her facial features are not beautiful (in my eyes).

Aa for hair dye, I follow a number of gtey blending hairdressers on Istagram. Every one recommends dying hair blonde as it’s the easiest way to cover greys apparently while not being too harsh a contrast with white skin.

For younger people, we are brought up with the All American Girl look on teenage soaps.

I don’t dislike blonde hair. Far from it, my own daughter has long blonde hair and blue eyes. I can see with my own eyes that there is a girl with dark hair in her class that is every bit as pretty and has more attractive facial features than my DD.

Oh dear could be worse ....you could of been anne of cleves

Or Anne Boleyn - she was apparently a looker and got her head chopped off. At least Anne of cleves got to live!

Anne Boleyn was not considered beautiful for the time. Her eyes and demeanour were considered compelling and she dressed fashionably. But she was not considered a great beauty.

Catherine Howard was considered beautiful. She got her head chopped off just like Anne did. The 'plain Jane' Jane Seymour was the wife who did good and Henry requested to be buried next to.
So looks didn't do anyone any favours!

SerafinasGoose

I'm so sorry about what you've been through.

Yes, invisibility and freedom from creepery is great, though it's not total invisibility like I had hoped it would be. It's definitely better though.

Oh really? I always thought Anne was described as beautiful but maybe you're right- maybe she was just super charming/vivacious hence him being so captivated.

Cleopatra was by all accounts not classically beautiful either but she captivated men by her intelligence, wit and charm too and had men falling all over her

Just been reading about Bridgette Bardot 😔

Deeply scarred and reclusive now and perfect example of how good looks just get you used.

Extreme good looks attract the wrong type of attention I'd say.

Yes women like Cleopatra and Anne Boleyn used something more than looks. They had great intelligence, wit, charm, allure, mystery and force of personality. Arguably they were fascinating. Anne Boleyn changed the entire course of British history despite not meeting 16th century beauty standards. And Cleopatra influenced the early formation of the Roman Empire.

Not many women in history had that impact but they are worth studying for a true picture of what makes a woman really captivating besides simply looking pretty.

Anne Boleyn changed the entire course of British history despite not meeting 16th century beauty standards

Yes and her daughter was a complete badass - love her! I always thought she showed so much of her mother's determination

My youngest sister is very attractive, the pretty one of the family. Nobody believes she’s my sister! She’s also tall with a banging body. Works out a lot. Largish boobs. Brunette.

She worked exceptionally hard in her career. She had senior roles in professional services companies in London and earned very good money. She took all her professional qualifications while working full time, including going to night school.

Her husband was a good friend of hers for years before they got together. Think Monica and Chandler. My sister’s husband is actually a week younger than her but she looks very young for her age. When they’re out together or abroad on holiday or even in the gym, so many people (men and women) think she’s married an older man for money. She gets comments from other tourists staying in the same resorts and has even had comments from waiters in restaurants. My sister and har husband pay everything 50/50 and a few years back she paid off the remainder of their mortgage single handedly with her savings and her work bonuses. It was a significant amount. They don’t have kids out of mutual choice

When they first bought their house, an elderly female neighbour came over to talk to my sister when she was getting out of her car, a very nice car, and the neighbour said “your husband must have a very good job to be able to buy a car like that for you”. My sister told me she could’ve replied and told the neighbour she also has a good job and bought her car herself, but that she just couldn’t be bothered as the neighbour is elderly so she didn’t want to cause an old lady any embarrassment or upset. From conversations with other neighbours it’s clear the consensus is that my sister is a kept woman. They just seem completely blind and deaf to any other narrative. It’s a very rural community with a lot of over 65s.

She had a number of problems with male colleagues and bosses coming onto her at work and female colleagues getting jealous. In her last workplace (a huge global corporate) she was caught in the middle of a very senior man doing everything he could to be with her, including buying her gifts , and a female boss getting jealous and doing everything she could to make my sister’s working life hell. My sister left and ended up with really bad depression and anxiety. When I saw her just after she’d left that company she was like a zombie, it had seriously affected her. She’s in her late forties.

Cut to the present (2 years later) my sister has got to the stage now where she doesn’t have to do the well paid stressful career, so she’s set up a little home business. Shes much happier but she is far more introverted than she used to be and doesn’t really like people like she used to.

Anyway, my point is that no matter how we look, life can be challenging for any reason and people can be utter dicks for no good reason and all too often are. Being pretty doesn’t change that or protect you.

I am definitely not as attractive as your sister sounds. But I get the casual sexism too.

"Oh you're so lucky your husband works hard enough to give you this life". Sure, yes, he does work hard. But actually, I saved the deposit for our house/mortgage. Two of the three cars on our drive (mine, his project and he has a company car) I bought outright with my bonuses. For many years I was the higher earner (and likely will be again if I decide to go back full time and push my career forward again).

"It's so nice that you get to be at home AND your daughter goes to nursery". I work from home. In a fairly demanding and senior position. They just only see me drop her off and come home again.

Women can never win. We're either only good for arm candy, being stay at home parents or we're not attractive enough. Too fat, too thin, if intelligent we're intimidating. Assertive is seen as aggressive. Enjoy make up/clothes/looking good you're high maintenance. Prefer no make up/dress for comfort you don't try hard enough.

If you're pretty then you get treated as if you coast on your looks by other women. If you're less pretty you have to work extra hard to get any attention. If you're attractive there's a lot of unwanted attention.

No winners.

The phenomenon you’re discussing is known as "pretty privilege," a concept grounded in both biology and psychology. It refers to the economic, social, and political benefits that people receive based on their physical appearance.

Closely related is the "halo effect," a psychological bias where attractive individuals are often assumed to have positive traits, such as being kind or competent. This idea is explored in detail in the book Beauty Pays: Why Attractive People Are More Successful.

Research shows that attractive individuals, both men and women, tend to earn 3 to 4% more than their less attractive peers. They are also more likely to be hired and promoted faster. However, the impact of physical appearance extends beyond just financial gain. Employers may exhibit unconscious biases, favoring more attractive individuals even when the actual job performance is similar.

These biases are not always deliberate but can manifest in subtle ways through preferences and decision-making. The advertising industry is well aware of this, as seen in Italian sports newspapers that feature attractive models in nearly all ads, regardless of the product. This trend reflects a broader societal inclination towards beauty, where both men and women engage with and are influenced by such imagery.

A personal example highlights this effect: a friend of mine, who frequently travels in first class due to her appearance, often finds herself approached by male passengers seeking conversation and sometimes asking for her phone number. To avoid this attention, she sometimes pretends to be asleep. In contrast, when I fly in economy class, I rarely experience such interactions and often enjoy the space of empty seats for a more comfortable journey.

Well said

And my sister hates having to correct people and why should she. Why should any of us. In actual fact, our lives are no one else’s business.

My sister too paid for the full deposit for their house and all the renovations, they bought a real fixer upper and they both mucked in with the work too. She also planned and designed it all.

Her husband’s wonderful btw, but no he doesn’t get any of the same type comments.

But, she does speak up in the face of these assumptions more now. Apparently, recently, a local farmer who owns the land behind their house got chatting to her and was asking her how they came to live where they do. He said something along the lines of, “I suppose your husband moved you here because of his job”. “No” she said, “We moved because it was more convenient for my job and a fast rail link into London” . She then had to climb over the gate to help him undo the padlock as he was struggling undoing it. She opened it with ease….

I have 4 children and I was criticised for not working when I was a stay at home mum and also criticised for not being there for them when I got a full time job. Would being pretty have stopped the criticism, of course not.

The most Important thing is that my sister is well and happy now.

Please see a counsellor

Please see a counsellor

Anne of Cleves got the best deal out of all of Henry’s wives imo- she kept her head, remained relatively independent and treated as a “cousin”, lived in comfort and didn’t have to shag Henry. Sometimes it pays to look like a horse!

Oh, Op! You need to work on your self-worth… https://thesimplyluxuriouslife.com/become-woman-comfortable-skin/
Nirvana doesn’t come from “being pretty”, but from being “bien dans votre peau”.
There are many women like your friend, who may, in future, develop more clingy and irritating habits as their looks fade while their insecurity grows.

If you start life as a trophy, there will always be a younger, prettier version - so yearning for beauty can be both a blessing or a curse. Be thankful for your intellect, and learn to love what you already have…

''When they first bought their house, an elderly female neighbour came over to talk to my sister when she was getting out of her car, a very nice car, and the neighbour said “your husband must have a very good job to be able to buy a car like that for you”. My sister told me she could’ve replied and told the neighbour she also has a good job and bought her car herself, but that she just couldn’t be bothered as the neighbour is elderly so she didn’t want to cause an old lady any embarrassment or upset. From conversations with other neighbours it’s clear the consensus is that my sister is a kept woman. They just seem completely blind and deaf to any other narrative. It’s a very rural community with a lot of over 65s.''
ScrubbedCauliflower
I could have written this. My late husband was older than me. When new people bought the house next door it became a nightmare. I still had the house free of finance before I met him: he was retired, young, and yet to have an income but owned the house I moved into, I was working full time.

Bad enough people make up gossip, but we were well known, and why anyone would believe it still puzzles me.

It persists.

I think I'd like to cross reference this thread with the one about 'the worst thing someone has said to you,' where people have had the most awful insults hurled at them for daring to not be as beautiful as someone else thought they should be.

As I tell my sister, they’re just jealous of you.

She is younger, financially comfortable, travels and has a happy marriage. And she has a family who love her.

The village she lives in isn’t particularly a close knit cliquey community, there are a lot of elderly people there who gossip and back stab each other daily. There’s actually no benefit to being liked.

You know the scenario, two elderly ladies are chatting in the cul de sac. Another comes out to put her bin out. One of the two chatting says, “Morning Mary. You okay? Michael okay?”. Mary replies, “Yes all good thanks” and as soon as Mary’s out of earshot it’s, “Hasn’t she put on weight, it must be all the booze she knocks back, hahaha.” etc. …every time!

When I visit we have more than a few giggles at their expense.

My sister keeps her circle small, there are a few good friends living there too. The main benefit to living there is that it’s very beautiful and very quiet.

Remember Maslow's hierarchy of needs; the bedrock of life on Earth is ability to feed, clothe yourself, buy glasses, not be on the street, and this means 'money'.

Never forget this. Never forget how vital this is.

Be thankful you have so much money that, temporarily, you have forgotten this.

Be grateful for your success, you are blessed and fortunate, and you deserve it. Enjoy.

Ha ha! Yes. She got the best deal - a house, an income, status, and no need to do the desperate survival dance of being married to Henry VIII.

So you would swap good job, financial security and standing firmly on your own 2 feet for being pretty and having rely on some prince coming along and ‘saving’ you and for being promptly served at the bar?

That is maddness.

Being pretty is not a guarrantee of a happy life. You can still end up in abusive relationship and having no financial stability you will have nothing to fall back on.

Honestly, give your head a wobble and be grateful for what you have.