make me feel better by telling me about cringing at yourself

[CrinolinMcCringe]

I had an appointment with a man I fancied a bit in a professional context.
He asked me how I was and I didn't just overshare, it was like projectile vomiting sharing. The worst bit is that after I left I realised I was subconcious trying to impress him but really it was like I'd vomited on him with my life. I keep thinking about it and I want to die. I don't know him at all and the 'how are you' question was that very English thing of not a real question which makes it worse.

Please tell me something you've done that made you cringe to make me feel better.

A few months ago I was on my period, had an important delivery coming. Door went just as I was changing my tampon. I quickly pulled it out, pulled pants up, quick splash of hands in sink (intended to come back after I grabbed the parcel and wash properly) my house is quite long so hard to get to door really quick. I grabbed the parcel of post man, shut door, looked in mirror and had blood on my forearm, and also must have swept my hair behind ears on way to door so had a big period blood skid accross my cheek and forehead. I'm assuming the post man assumed it was period blood hence why he said nothing 🤷

My husband has a terrible habit of putting his foot in it. Once we had a repair man in the house who DH knew and knew the mans father also did the same job so DH asks him where's his dad at these days as he hasn't heard him (it's a local joke that the Dad has the loudest voice ever and you can hear him coming from a block away) and we had thought it would be the Dad showing up today. The man just replies 'can't really hear dead people or expect them to show up for work can you?' DH wanted the ground to open up and swallow him but the guy was lovely and just said it happens nearly every day as his Dad was so well known but it seems his death wasn't!

DH also asked another repairman if he wanted to give him a hand carrying stuff out to his van (DH is big and muscly and is always being asked to help carry out ladders/machines etc so sometimes will offer if they haven't asked) but then realised the man only had one arm but he just laughed and said no I always manage.

We had given MIL a lift to the local shops and she'd been saying before we got there that she needed to pee badly but she goes into the shops and gets whatever she needs. At this point I should point out MIL is one of those people who is blind as a bat but refuses to wear her glasses. She also does everything at full speed as if it's an emergency but that's just how she is. So, we are waiting in the carpark which has a few cars scattered around when MIL speeds out of the shops and jumps into the car parked closest to the shop entrance. Except it's not ours. It's the same colour and similar shape but she's not looked hard enough at who's driving. She jumps out red faced while DH and I are laughing and beeping her over. When she gets to us she slinks into the back seat and says 'I've just fucking got in that car and shouted DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIIIIIVE at the driver as if I've robbed a bank and he's the getaway car.' All because she badly needed to pee.

I had to phone a client with the name Mr Ichianus.

At the end of the call, he coldly informed me, 'My surname is pronounced "Ish-yanoos." '

I still wake up screaming, 37 years later.

Were you saying “itchy-anus?”

I also sent a letter to someone at Wiltshite Cunty Council.

I only found out when I saw the photocopy on the file. I quickly corrected the letter, printed it, photocopied it, filed the new copy and shredded the first copy and the original.

I lived in dread for weeks, months, years, awaiting the consequences, but none came. And yes, still wake up screaming etc. Etc

this had me howling

I think it's pretty obvious - I was! 😁😱😫

@HowardTJMoon was it Mrs Gideon?

Don’t worry, he probably thought it was a cut and you’d spread the blood while fixing it. Just trying to cheer you up! 🌺

I was around 10 coming back from.school there was a building site with a rope stretched accross two poles maybe as a keep out area. Don't know why I've decided to jump over the rope. My foot caught on it and I fell spread out like a star fish. A couple of builders rushed to help me getup but they couldn't stop laughing. They were crying laughing.
I can laugh about it now but at the time I was mortified and all scratched

Paaaahahahahahaha

This reminds me of an under grad seminar where everyone had been asked to prepare a presentation on a topic of their choice (as in a topic related to the course or an element of what they had been studying)- one girl misunderstood and did a 15 minute presentation on her beany baby collection, like something out of a year 9 English class.

This made me laugh - so funny 🤣

We all mistakes when we're young. Please don't beat yourself up for this error of judgement. You're not a twat, I'm sure. ☺️

I exclaimed to someone that they were a 'proper one armed bandit' instead of a 'proper one man band' in way that suggested I found them to be very impressive.

Yes a stupid conversation where I misheard someone say they were interested in astrology instead of astronomy - and asked them about their star sign 😱

I still cringe, as it was the most awkward moment. We had been getting on well, but the look on their face showed I was now recategorised as an idiot who didn’t know what astronomy was.

I just went quiet and slowly moved away, I still can’t tell if that made it better or worse 😂

Last week OP..The shame. In specsavers waiting for an eye test.Sat down on the chair and down came the machine you rest your chin on. I couldnt ,being small get my chin on the thing and was told to shuffle forward til I got it. I shuffled and farted so loudly the 1812 overture fell out of my arse.The room was silent and I squeaked "Oh I do beg your pardon" Just like Hyacinth Bouquet. The shame will never leave me!

That is hilarious. You'd have made my day if I was in the waiting room 😂

A few years ago when I was a serving cop (I'm now retired), I did an early shift (1500hrs finish) and was meeting friends at 1730hrs for tea in the city centre, I decided on not going home and went into town. I was going to a bookshop to get myself a new thriller.

That day I had been working in the control room and hadn't managed to get a break so I was starving, I thought there was a possibility of dying from malnutrition in the short time until tea so decided on two greggs sausage rolls with brown sauce (obvs) would tide me over until tea where I'd probably just get a starter as my main.

Ate the SR's, chose a book and had about an hour to spare so decided to pop into Debenhams, I had a wedding coming up and still didn't have a dress, how opportune!!

Found a dress and headed to the changing rooms which for some reason were the only ones open on that floor, waited a while in the queue and yes!! Got in with half an hour to spare before tea! The queue was HUGE!

I pulled the dress over my head without realising it was a side zip, so kinda got stuck but managed to get it down, the dress was my size but was incredibly tight and I decided that it was because I was wearing a bra over my more than ample bust, and nothing to do with the two sausage rolls I'd inhaled a short time previously. (Recently discovered I'm gluten intolerant so could have added to my bloated tummy).

I managed to get the zip down and I have no idea what then happened but I managed to get my head through the zip space and an arm out the head hole, straight up, which resulted in an ample boob hanging out an arm hole and my other arm stuck next to my body.

After about five minutes I started sweat, I was stuck, the sweat didn't help. The one staff member in the changing room s was run ragged and did not hear my pitiful cried for help or see my desperate gesticulation of one arm out of the curtain . After about five minutes that felt like an hour and more sweating making things worse I had to walk the entire length of the changing room with a tit hanging out of a dress and an arm sticking in the air like I was in school desperate to ask a question!

The lovely lady had to get another member of staff to get me out of the dress and I dressed at warp speed and headed out of there like I was Usain Bolt! As I was leaving the store an older voice kept shouting excuse me! Excuse me! And I eventually turned thinking wtf now, I'm only half in uniform and I've got a jacket covering me so I'm clearly not on duty!! And this lovely lady who looked just like my dead granny (but before she was dead) pointed to my arse, my bra was happily swinging wildly from the back of my trousers!! I cuddled her whether she wanted it or not to say thanks and then headed for tea where I ordered a salad!!!

I love this thread. I've just remembered another one. Back when tinder was a new thing, I matched with someone, messaged him back and forth a few times, thought we had hit it off and then suddenly we were unmatched. I was so sure that it was an error in their 'computery back end coding thing' - basically I had only a vague understanding of these things - that I contacted tinder support helpline and said that something had gone wrong with the app. I cringe just thinking of the chat that tinder support person would have had with their colleagues about the not very savvy and romantically unmatchable lady.

I'm sorry I know this thread is a few days old but I've only just read this and I am absolutely creased at this story! I laughed so much reading it that DH kept asking what was so funny so I tried to retell it to him but can't for laughing.

Dead granny but before she was dead just finished me off. Thank you for posting it, I would be 6 foot under after dying of embarrassment if that had happened to me.

When I was in year 9 we had an orienteering day so were in non uniform. I’d put jeans on from the night before. As we sat on the coach it was pointed out that a pair of knickers where hanging out of my jeans. My dirty knickers had got caught in the leg and I’d pulled my jeans on without realising. They’d got all attached to the Velcro bit on my trainers. I still die a bit inside at the memory

Mainly alcohol related ones.

Fell down a flight of stairs in a nightclub, landing up on my bum.
Phoned my mums friend very pissed as a teen. I still cringe at what I may have said.
Went to sit down next to my colleague and farted loudly. She laughed but I just did a slight frown and pretended it hadn't happened.

I did this at school. The teacher asked who could name a famous astronomer. I piped up very proudly "Russell Grant!!"

Huge sympathy to you OP. It’s immaterial whether it was a physical affair or not. He has betrayed your trust and been emotionally abusive and neglectful.

The thing is you can’t insist someone tells you something they are unwilling to tell you. You will not find the peace/answers you are looking for. He will either continue to lie, or give you half truths that will just raise more questions.

To my mind you have a straightforward choice. You either move on on the basis of what he is offering. And stop with the questions. Or leave. I would leave. But I am not you. Don’t feel shamed into leaving if you want to give the marriage a go. But you have to give up on the fruitless search for answers that I can guarantee will not be forthcoming.

One final thought - have you considered why he does not want to answer your questions? Given the other efforts he is making. Do you think it’s likely because the answers will be unhelpful to his cause? What other reason would there be for him to refuse to engage?