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Original poster

Husband calls me 'Nag Wife'

215 replies

anonymouslt123 · 27/07/2024 07:20

Hi mumsnet. Posting with a throwaway account.

My husband (35M), married for 3 years, has been calling me 'Nag Wife' as a nickname. I don't even think I nag that much, but he says it (as a joke, apparently) every time I ask him to do anything. Like, he'll call me Nag Wife while I'm vacuuming or cleaning up after him, or say that washing up etc are 'Nag Wife activities'. I know it's a joke (and I actually don't mind doing the housework), but is it? His latest 'joke' is to do a fake dejected sigh any time I ask him to do anything, like make me a cup of tea, and say 'Yes Nag Wife'.

He even has me saved in his phone as Nag Wife...

I spoke to him and he says it's a joke, but am I being disrespected? Or am I overthinking things?

OP posts:
honestyISkind · 27/07/2024 08:01

anonymouslt123 · 27/07/2024 07:20

Hi mumsnet. Posting with a throwaway account.

My husband (35M), married for 3 years, has been calling me 'Nag Wife' as a nickname. I don't even think I nag that much, but he says it (as a joke, apparently) every time I ask him to do anything. Like, he'll call me Nag Wife while I'm vacuuming or cleaning up after him, or say that washing up etc are 'Nag Wife activities'. I know it's a joke (and I actually don't mind doing the housework), but is it? His latest 'joke' is to do a fake dejected sigh any time I ask him to do anything, like make me a cup of tea, and say 'Yes Nag Wife'.

He even has me saved in his phone as Nag Wife...

I spoke to him and he says it's a joke, but am I being disrespected? Or am I overthinking things?

Call him Bully Husband, every single time, he uses the grossly offensive term, put him in your phone as Bully Husband. Tell him to grow a sense of humour when he arcs up.

Nagging, by the way, is just the repetition of unpalatable truths.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 27/07/2024 08:02

What a fucking immature jerk you’re married to. Save him down as ‘immature fucker’ see how he likes it.

BCBird · 27/07/2024 08:04

I would not be happy with this OP

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/07/2024 08:09

Start calling him tiny dick. Save him as that on your phone. Tell him EVERY time; it’s just a joke!

he’s a lazy misogynistic prick. And that’s NOT a joke BTW

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 27/07/2024 08:11

He's doing that thing you see on 90s American sitcoms (which I hate) where it's expected that wife nags and husband tries to get away from the house/family as much as possible and do as little as possible.

You hear men in the workplace complaining about their wives in the same way.

It's like he's trying to fit in, or thinks that's what marriage is supposed to be like.

DH came home one day and said there was surprise from someone he was talking to because he'd said "no, I actually like my wife" in response to someone saying something similar to them all having a "nag wife" about theirs.

Knock it on the head or walk away and find someone who actually wants to do things like bring you a cup of tea and be your partner.

Theothername · 27/07/2024 08:14

That reflects so poorly on him. No responsible adult should need nagging - they should barely need asking because they should notice things for themselves and do it.

No decent man ever had a nagging wife.

Okayornot · 27/07/2024 08:16

My god, what a childish asshat.

CleftChin · 27/07/2024 08:21

Bloody hell, what a jerk. I doubt this is going to change, but the only thing I'd be able to do is come up with a similar 'joke' name for him and give him a taste of his own medicine as the others are saying.

My dad tried that on me - saying that I would 'have a go at him' if he put the bowls in the wrong cupboard when he emptied the dishwasher while visiting, so he just leaves them on the side. As much as I appreciate him doing the dishwasher, I don't appreciate him painting me as a shrew (even the entire concept of 'shrew' existing TBH) in front of my children, encouraging them to laugh at the woman who looks after them rather than pitch in in a mature manner. So I said that to him - that I would never, and have never had a go at him for it, and I'd appreciate him not talking like that in my house.

He had the grace to look a little bit chastened - because he knew what he was doing. Don't think you'll get anywhere with yours - he's already gone too far.

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 27/07/2024 08:21

anonymouslt123 · 27/07/2024 07:20

Hi mumsnet. Posting with a throwaway account.

My husband (35M), married for 3 years, has been calling me 'Nag Wife' as a nickname. I don't even think I nag that much, but he says it (as a joke, apparently) every time I ask him to do anything. Like, he'll call me Nag Wife while I'm vacuuming or cleaning up after him, or say that washing up etc are 'Nag Wife activities'. I know it's a joke (and I actually don't mind doing the housework), but is it? His latest 'joke' is to do a fake dejected sigh any time I ask him to do anything, like make me a cup of tea, and say 'Yes Nag Wife'.

He even has me saved in his phone as Nag Wife...

I spoke to him and he says it's a joke, but am I being disrespected? Or am I overthinking things?

Just reply EVERY SINGLE TIME with "yes Lazy Ba@@@@d" or "thanks Lazy Ba@@@@d" and tell him it's just a joke when he starts getting offended!
The B name could be switched out to whatever you're comfortable with A@@@@@le or just Git if you don't have a potty mouth like me 😉

Theothername · 27/07/2024 08:23

I was going to recommend Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (which is about a fair division of labour) but you might be better to take a look at the Gottman’s work on marriage and relationship. Contempt is marriage destroying.

The Four Horsemen: Contempt | The Gottman Institute

Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships, but we can help you defeat it.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt

CautiousLurker · 27/07/2024 08:25

Sorry - it’s not a joke. It’s abusive, especially the fact that he has saved you on his phone. It’s coercive and psychological abuse. You tell him it stops or he can fuck off.

You are either a team, one that respects the other, one that works together to maintain your home or you are not.

Shockvote · 27/07/2024 08:26

Start calling him Dick Head. Every time you speak to him. If he speaks to you, roll your eyes and say “OK Dick Head”. Don’t waver, just carry on, until he gets the message. Then leave him.

Scarletrunner · 27/07/2024 08:27

Luddite26 · 27/07/2024 08:00

It's 2024 do you really have to ask Mumsnet if this is not ok?

Is this thread even true?

AlisonDonut · 27/07/2024 08:27

A man who does this isn't one to rile by making up nicknames for him. She needs to just divorce the prick.

UngratefulOldCabbage · 27/07/2024 08:28

I'd get his phone and change my name in his contacts to 'ex wife'.
Then send a text telling him we're getting a divorce.
Raise your standards OP....and don't have kids with him or they'll be little versions of him also treating you like shit.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 27/07/2024 08:30

There's no care, love or respect here is there?

Coconutter24 · 27/07/2024 08:33

”I don't even think I nag that much, but he says it (as a joke, apparently) every time I ask him to do anything.”

If you don’t find it funny you need to really tell him how it makes you feel or that you don’t like it. Hopefully he’ll respect that you don’t enjoy it and stop. It could be that you do nag him but then ask him why you are having to nag him whilst you’re tidying up, why isn’t he helping?

CHEESEY13 · 27/07/2024 08:35

LydiaTomos · 27/07/2024 07:22

No, not right at all. Do you have a name for him?

If were my husband he would, quite rightly, be crowned: Mister Dickhead.
With knobs on.

BermudaBlues · 27/07/2024 08:35

Your relationship with him is in trouble. What a disrespectful bully. You deserve and should demand better.

Look at the The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling (Gotman) the behaviours that predict relationship failing.

Rewis · 27/07/2024 08:36

It is not a joke. He's just a misogynistic asshole that wants to put you into your place and frame it as a joke to try to take away your right to be offended when he insults you.

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2024 08:39

Change his name to small prick husband. Put it in your phone. Anytime he asks something of you say 'yes small prick husband.'

It's his way of silencing you so you feel like you can't ask him to do stuff, it also creates a narrative that the home stuff is your responsibility

Bella43 · 27/07/2024 08:40

It's not a joke if it's upsetting you. I'd be particularly hurt at having that name saved on his phone.

My ex used to make fun of my personal appearance. He'd point out any spots I had, comment on how pale my skin was. When I asked him not to he'd say it was a joke. It's not funny when the other person is not laughing.

CHEESEY13 · 27/07/2024 08:40

Unacceptable, and indicates a lack of respect has been shoehorned into the relationship.
I bet if you (justifiably) rocked the boat and challenged him, he'd retreat and accuse you of "not having a sense of humour!"
Yeah, that old chestnut.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 27/07/2024 08:44

I understand the motivation to retaliate with a similar joke name for him, but I think in cases where you want to be taken seriously it pays to act serious. So would very straight up tell him to stop, and that it enormously hurts my feelings, and is not a joke to me. Regardless of whether he tries to pull a "lighten up its just a joke" just stick to "but it really hurts me, so please stop".

If he won't stop despite the above, he's just a pratt, and that would make me question my marriage to be honest.

Whatbloodysummer · 27/07/2024 08:45

The whole 'Nag wife' thing is deliberately designed to make you LESS likely to ask him to do anything ffs, and you're falling for it !

He's making you feel 'uncomfortable' and 'less' than him and HIS 'big' or 'important' things (like feckin gaming or his social activities or gym etc)

He has cast you in the role of 'Mum' and 'maid', with frequent short spells as 'sex doll' no doubt 🙄and he's even broadcasting his 'control' over you by advertising how he views you on his phone ffs !

The 'it's only a joke' or 'you're too sensitive' crap is simply that, crap.

He knows it upsets you, and he chooses to continue to do it.

That, in itself, tells you how little he cares for you.

He doesn't love you if he's happy to deliberately upset you.

He doesn't respect you when he actively undermines you.

He doesn't see you as his equal (and never will), you're simply the 'help'.

It's up to you to decide whether or not you're happy with a husband who doesn't love, respect or value you...