Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

[Schnauzer21]

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?

Thanks in advance

No you're not being unreasonable in being upset. Many people don't understand abuse but she's been through it herself so should show empathy towards you. I would let her know you're upset and why, she doesn't sound much of a friend and I would question why she wants to be in contact with him.

It would have been acceptable to sign a group card for appearances sake at work but a peraonal
card with her contact details is way over the line.

I would be going low contact with her over this because fuck knows what she’s saying about you to your ex. Her MH is not your responsibility and you can’t cure it. I’m not saying be mean to her even though she’s been thoroughly disloyal to you but I wouldn’t waste as much time, effort and worry about her in future.

Thanks Cupcake - my husband says similar. Thank you. I guess I should tell her - were I our 40s - it seems like a really insensitive childish thing to do. I guess I’ll message her to explain how I feel.

Ditto to cupcaske. Perhaps she is desperate for validation and can't bear to reject someone. No excuse though. She did not need to invite further contact, and is not showing you friend loyalty or empathy. i would be upfront with her as to how hurt you feel, justifiably. Her response will tell you a lot about how good a friend she is, and where your friendship is headed now.

If she's supposed to be your best friend, of course you should tell her you're upset.

However, you need to prepare yourself for her reply because it sounds as though she's thinking the abuse was 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Yes hedgehog I wondered if it was a group card at first, but it was a personal card with a message and her phone number. Yes trying to go low contact as to be honest, this isn’t the first really insensitive thing she’s done. I keep forgiving her and turning a blind eye out of loyalty and ‘we’ve been friends since school’ but I’ve had enough sadly.

thanks for your reply

If you're already remarried, how long ago was he an ex, and how long have they worked together?

Yes you may be right there- thank you.

I would be dropping the friend completely. Your ex will inevitably be contacting her to find out as much information about you as he can. And she will tell him everything she knows.
i would also be wondering why she didn’t tell you herself that she had done this.

I’ve been remarried for years and they’ve worked in the same place for a long time. Why?

Sorry OP. That's really shit of her. You don't need a 'friend' like that

Yes I didn’t think of that. The card implies a closer relationship than I had been aware of.

So he is your ex from years ago?

You've remarried since, how long ago was your break up?

Sadly I think I’ve finally come to that realisation. Thank you for your reply

He’s my ex from about 10 years ago. We share a child together which is why I know about the card.

Could you try quoting or tagging, OP?

No-one knows who you're replying to.

Oh sorry - first time posting. Got it now.

This.

And next time she wants to talk abour all her drama and feelings tell her to call the ex...

So she knows him away from your relationship, she's probably worked with him and has her own relationship with him now.

You can choose to be offended and police her friends, but I'm not sure you're in the right.

This all depends on how abusive the relationship was though.

Thanks. I have considered this and the policing of friends etc and I am an open minded person. But she knows about the abuse. Financial abuse, emotional abuse, the fact that he hates my guts. She seems to be ok with this or has forgotten? I wonder how she would feel if she was in my position - this is what makes me so upset.

No, I couldn’t put up with this-it’s a betrayal. She’s possibly a bit competitive with you and wants to be liked by your ex. Time to back away.

Your friend is thoughtless at best.She might enjoy the drama of being the one other go between , between you and Ex, other than your daughter. She can tell the ex info about your life.I would be cutting contact, if you don't want ex husband to know mich about your business.

Exactly this. It's one thing wishing him well as they worked together maybe she felt obliged but giving her details in a card?? She obviously wants to speak to him again for what ever reason.. I would call her out on it .

I’m guessing she’s hoping that she’s his next Mrs…

I would be furious. That is so disloyal of your friend. I would distance myself from her and explain why. Her mental health is not your problem. She chose to send the card.