Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

[Schnauzer21]

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?

Thanks in advance

If she’s been your friend for such a long time, I think it’s worth it for you to at least confront her about this, as opposed to just cutting her off without a word. She may not have an explanation that satisfies you, but at least you won’t have to keep wondering what on earth she was thinking.

Financial and emotional abuse are sometimes easier for people outside the abusive relationship to “forgive” than physical abuse would be. Also, I’m sure that your ex, like most people, isn’t one hundred percent pure monster, and she’s seen his better qualities while they’ve worked together. That doesn’t make what she did okay, but she has her own history with him that’s different from yours.

I had similar (the keep in touch part) and didn’t mention it I was so shocked. It opened my eyes though! It’s not what real friends do.

totally disagree with @Alther
i have worked with hundreds of people and I have received an individual leaving cards from 4 people.
they were individuals I line managed and spent a lot of time and effort developing.

the friend may be invested in her “friendship” with the ex but her loyalty should be to her friend AND given the information we have it’s probably because contact with him meets some need… and also feeds her need for drama.
i wouldn’t be surprised if there some kind of “drama triangle” at play (google it OP) and she’s loving life as the rescuer and will play victim when op asks what the hell she’s playing at…and look to the ex as rescuer

This.

She could just have written 'good luck' and her name in the card.

I have to say this was my first thought too. I'm on the fence about this. While I totally get your sense of betrayal, there are two sides. From another perspective: my old pal from work is leaving, I'm really going to miss him and would love to stay in touch. He was an asshole in the past and really messed around my close friend but they've separated a decade ago and he is a different person now.

She's a disloyal cunt. And she's not your friend.

Omg I was chatting to my husband about this the other day- this is not the first time my friend has behaved incredibly insensitively. I stay friends as I’m the quiet type, and don’t want to lose people. There are always drama ‘triangles’! Me, her, her sister who ‘hates’ me, me, her and other friends who dislike me too. That’s the common dynamic. And she is always always the victim! That’s her modus operandi- she thrives on the attention. I must read more about it I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there! Thank you!

Don’t mince your words 😂 thank you. Cheered me up

We don't know how closely they worked today - you got 4 cards from people you spent time with.

We only have the OPs account (not that there is anything wrong with that, but there may be other things that we / she have not considered)

Yes this is understandable and I guess it would depend upon how your friend feels about this? If they are good then fair enough but in my case the abuse was something that continues whenever he gets the chance. I couldn’t be friends with someone who hates my best friend’s guts AND want to continue the relationship? It’s crazy to me.

The fact that she wants to stay in touch with him by putting her number on the card suggests they have become friends and friends talk about people they know between themselves. I would not tell her anything from now on . Did she slag down you r ex to you ? If she did she's treacherous and two faced . I bet she's talked about you loads .

You could always test the water. And have a little fun.

Confide in her about your fictitious move to Florida, but swear her to secrecy as ex will lose his shit. Give her little tidbits and wait for the bomb to go off.

Deny everything when he goes ballistic. Ask him what little bird what tweeting ,BS

Give her what's coming to her. She will dump you and play victim elsewhere.

Then take the kids to Disneyland etc.

I didn’t even consider this. Yes, the weird thing is though, she never ever mentions him to me? So she must have been friends with him secretly and not expected me to find out?

Haha wouldn’t be a bad idea to test if she’s been talking about me behind my back? I didn’t even consider it as a possibility but now it feels like it’s I’ve always been fair game to her.

You're not policing who she can and can't be friends with by feeling hurt, OP. Giving her an ultimatum would be, but it hardly looks like you're about to do that.

I couldn't remain friends, or friendly, with someone who had abused an old friend of mine. I just couldn't. All I have to do is imagine my close friends, then imagine they had an abusive ex (don't have to imagine with some of them), then think "hmm, would I send the abusive ex a warm, friendly card with my contact details in?"

The answer is a no brainer.

@honestyISkind 😂😂😂😂

Well, that covered that 👌🏻

F@ck her seriously! Sorry. This really upset me. I’ve had this done to me a couple of times (once my best friend actually invited my rapist over for dinner!) and I have zero tolerance for this kind of disloyalty.
You don’t need her. Ghost away!

Yes sadly I’m coming to this realisation. This isn’t the first time she’s done something insensitive or hurtful but it’s the straw that’s broke the camels back so to speak. Now to be brave enough to tell her…

Yes sadly I’m coming to this realisation. This isn’t the first time she’s done something insensitive or hurtful but it’s the straw that’s broke the camels back so to speak. Now to be brave enough to tell her…

She is not your friend .

i would not trust her as far as I could throw her ..

I think as you get older you either decide to challenge things or just decide some people aren’t worth it .

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry that’s awful 😞 why do people do these things? I hope you’re ok now

Is it possible that your ex has deliberately cultivated her friendship as a way of getting to you? So she thinks that he likes her when it's actually just so he can get at any of your secrets/know what you're doing at all times/make sure that you don't have a friend?

Bring brutal about it, she's still a security risk, whatever the reason for her attachment to him, so you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Can you think of anything you've told her that you wouldn't want him knowing about, like stuff that might affect your safety or anything you've kept secret from your DH, as he's probably going to use that at some point?

YANBU to be upset by her behaviour - she has crossed a line.

In your shoes I would take a number if large steps back from this relationship and, if asked, would be clear why.

• you crossed a line in your communication with my abusive Ex
• I don't trust you not to give my Ex information about me & my life that he is not entitled to & I don't want him to know

Yes the thought of them talking about me to each other behind my back is a reality that has just dawned on me. I think now it’s possible that they were sharing stuff - I have no idea in how much detail. The thought of it is making me feel nauseous. I have told a lot of information to her over the years but not so much recently as the conversations are all one sided with her problems. (Luckily I guess). I will have a think of things she possible could know about though as you make an important point to consider - thank you