Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

[Schnauzer21]

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?

Thanks in advance

She’s shocked that you’re upset?!

Why do her sister/friends hate you? Is that what she’s said? Or has she been telling them shit to make them hate you? I suspect the latter.

Wow! Sorry your friend did that to you. I think its a ‘pick me’ thing

Yes her words were ‘wow! Shocked at this. Sorry you feel this way.’ Then went on to say she sent cards to loads of people who were leaving the same day from a batch of ‘emergency cards’. 🙄

it’s been the ongoing theme for years. Her sister hates me, has always hated me. Certain friends of her dislike me etc. yes I don’t believe a word of it now but I did before. Made me feel like shit but kept me loyal as she was obviously defending me to these people against non existent hate 🤦‍♀️

Hmm, she sounds ridiculous. I doubt very much her friends hate you, why would they? Do they even know you? I think she’s a bitch, which is a horrible thing for you to have to realise, but the card to your ex is a mad betrayal.

She sounds bloody awful, but don't beat yourself up - the fact you believed her and tried to help just shows you're a lovely kind person. One who she very much does not deserve. Be kind to yourself, and don't take any of her awfulness as a comment on you or anything you did

Wow…. What a friend. I assume you’ve blocked her dodgy butt in every way possible? Does she owe you money?

If all her other friends and relations 'hate' you... that keeps you away from them, stops you sharing details with them/them sharing details with you... details that may reveal that her version of events is not accurate.

Neatly ensures you only ever get her narrative.

If she were already v close with him she wouldn't need to put her number in the card, he would already have it or contact via social media

Yes 🙌 it’s so manipulative! I don’t understand how anyone can even think like this? It’s madness isn’t it?

Not yet - should I?

Definitely block and take EVERYTHING she has ever said to you as bullshit.

She's a snake.

She is for the bin. Block. Delete. Deny access.

she has just messaged me (i cant bare to block her yet) saying she was just being civil to a work colleague. And ‘im sorry that what is a bit of work protocol has caused you so much distress’.

just a more detailed version of I’m sorry for your reaction. No apology.

Work protocol my arse. Snake.

Op, I lost an old friend because she gave a positive reference for a job in law enforcement to my ex. I told her how he sexually assaulted me three times and had photos of the bruising.

I went no contact with her immediately and blocked her everywhere

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry for this. That must have been so difficult for you. These people are awful! Did she ever apologise? Or could she just not see that she was in the wrong?

No she did not. I should have given her the boot when she did a few other underhanded things to me but I’ve known her for so long. I didn’t want to give up on our friendship until she crossed that line

If it has been a group card, then for appearance sake, I would understand it may make things awkward. However, she gave him a card personally, asked him to keep in touch and gave him her contact details. Why would someone want to stay in contact with a person, they know has been abusive in a past relationship? It makes no sense, especially as she has gotten out of an abusive marriage. It's not as if she has no clue! I understand that your relationship with him and her working relationship with him are different, and he hasn't been abusive towards her. It's almost as if she's compartmentalized her feelings towards each side of him, keeping them separate. Abusive X is an a33hole but Work X is a nice guy! It's odd behaviour. I think you need to ask her why she has done this? Explain your child saw the card. Tell her you feel horribly let down by her. Other posters are correct, there's no need to be nasty, but her MH is not your problem. If she can't give you any real reason why she did this, then in my opinion she's not a friend and it's time to part ways.

Thanks. Yes those are my thoughts. She didn’t know I knew she wrote her number on there. I thought I’d call her bluff, and as expected she said it was only a card. I’ve now told her I know that she had left contact details and asked to stay in touch with him. I’ve asked her why. She continues to imply I’m being irrational which is hugely triggering!

Wow so sorry. Some people would rather lose a good friend than admit they were wrong. My friend has done lots of sneaky things in the past so, like you, I’ve had enough. I think we all reach a limit eventually 😥

Time to say goodbye to this so called 'friend'. You are definitely not being irrational. I think this woman is devious individual and I suspect she has been manipulating you for many years. You can bet your bottom dollar, she has been giving your ex, plenty of information about your life, along the way. She is not trustworthy, you deserve a much better friend. Block her.

Is there a reason you won’t block?

She will never be sorry because she thought this was appropriate in the first place. I expect she fancies him. But who cares - it shows she isn’t your friend. Also shows he doesn’t fancy her as he would already have her number. Especially as it would piss you off. So she’s likely wasting her time. On the up side you got to find out how disloyal she is.

Protocol my arse - Not one single person would have noticed if she had not sent a card. I expect there was a joint one also but she went one step further with a personal one. Nothing would persuade me to sign the card of someone who abused my friend.

Honestly OP. Don’t waste your time with back and forward msg. She will never have your back. Cut her loose. If I was going to reply at all, which I likely would not as I think silence speaks volumes, I would just send:

‘Work protocol? Aye right 🤣🤣🤣🤣’

Then block because I would be done.

TBH all those people ‘hating’ you would have been enough for me to bin her off. Nope.
💐

Yes i think youre right. Shes just messaged me again with a non apology, saying she had to give him her number in case he accidentally rang her ex husband as he had her old number? The she said i feel like you dont want to be my friend anymore?

I know this is classic DARVO but still feel like shit.

Yes i think youre right. Shes just messaged me again with a non apology, saying she had to give him her number in case he accidentally rang her ex husband as he had her old number? The she said i feel like you dont want to be my friend anymore?

I know this is classic DARVO but still feel like shit.

Her excuse is laughable, to be honest. It's so poor, I think a child could have come up with better! There are no excuses. She is not going to change, and if you carry on being her friend, you are giving her the green light to carry on treating you like crap. You need to block her.