Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

[Schnauzer21]

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?

Thanks in advance

YANBU
I'd actually block her for this
She knows how abusive he's been to you
A true friend has your back

Yea I don't believe all these people hate you. She's a lying cow.

The card wouldn't bother me. People do stuff on autopilot- leaving = card. Especially if she'd worked with him a while.

The number and message. Bang out of order

Agreed. Or if they do, it's because she's made up lies about you.

In a way, she's done you a favour by doing this so you can say goodbye to her drama.

A true friend wouldn't do that. In your shoes I'd back off and fade her out. Always have something else to do If she calls/messages. Then stop taking her calls/messages. If they do keep in touch their most common bond is likely to be gossiping about you. Life's too short for toxic people, what would you want or need a 'friend' like that for anyway? It's pointless.

What a snake she sounds.

I’d be telling her - look, I find you giving my abusive ex husband a card wanting to stay in touch disloyal to me. So please would you not contact me again. Thanks.

You say she’s mentally vulnerable - perhaps, instead of seeking support from you, she could seek support from your ex husband. He being vulnerable is not a licence to behave this way.

She lied to you about people hating you. And likely lied to them saying you hated them too.

There would be no need to add her number into a card if they are already good friends. So I doubt they have been close all these years.

Sounds desperate putting her number in a card. Have you ever needed to do that with a colleague? I mean you’re already friends with each others number or you aren’t.

Possibly your ex wrote it himself. Certainly he deliberately wanted DC to see it.

So, I think there are two possible options I’d go for. First, ask her directly, did you write an individual card to ex asking to stay in touch? If so, why? See what she says.

Or just block her. All that people ‘hating you’ stuff would likely be enough for me to just go straight to this option and get on with life without her in it.

Thanks yes I can’t believe I’ve been so naive all these years.

Yes this is the last straw I feel. I’ve always made excuses for her behaviour and given the benefit of the doubt but this has just made me really upset and over it.

Yes I’m always worried about upsetting her and treating her gently in case she’s upset but she has no consideration for me, you’re right.

Just plucked up the courage to message her as she’s pestering me to talk. I explained my position and said I need space to think. Why do I feel terrible? I feel sick with worry about upsetting her. Anyway I’ll wait and see what she says if she does

Probably because she has used her “issues” to manipulate you and get away with bad behaviour for so many years right up until she crossed the final line.

She replied saying ‘sorry you feel this way’. And that she’s ‘shocked’.

Tell her you're shocked at her disloyalty after all the support you've given her as you thought of her as a friend.

I'll bet she's "shocked".

Shocked that you have said anything.
Shocked that you wouldn't suck up her appalling behaviour as always.
Shocked you are not as big a mug as she has always thought you to be.

Take your space but if you speak to her again, be 100% sure that she will have even less respect for you than she does now.

I have No doubt thar she has broken your confidence to her.

I wouldn't worry about her for a second.
She's a manipulative user and you have been totally used.

Drop this ‘friend’ right now - she isn’t a friend. Her behaviour is awful. I think you need to accept this one is over, and move on. How on earth can anyone have a close friendship with someone who is probably feeding the information back to someone you really do not want it to go to?

I’m a bit thrown by the response being so dismissive. Zero fucks given by her. I feel so stupid being worked up over it as she doesn’t care! This just proves how used I’ve been over the years.

Well he could have done that for years anyway as they have worked together for years

I know sadly I think you’re right.

That’s not even a fucking apology!

that’s a non apology!

just block her. Don’t engage further unless it’s “Non-apology NOT accepted, have a nice life. Bye”

snake. Total fucking snake.

A single woman asking a single man to” keep in touch “ and giving her number only has one thing in mind. And it’s not career advice 🙄

If they were already close friends she wouldn’t have to give him her number.

Nope. No remorse. The response proves to me that she’s fine mentally too. I’ve been so stupid!!!

Yeah, it’s odd isn’t it? They’re both in relationships too.

I had a similar situation with a friend who met my soon to be ex H for lunches and told her I wouldn't see her in future as I wouldn't have felt comfortable meeting her and talking to her knowing this. She was very defensive too. I just didn't see her anymore.

To add my ex h did this with a few friends - invited them - and even asked my best friend to meet up with him and his affair partner. She said no. What do they think they are doing ?