Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

[Schnauzer21]

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?

Thanks in advance

Yep. Exactly. There was a group card too. She went above and beyond to send her card and to include her number. When i called her out on it she said it was because my ex had a really old number of hers that her abusive ex still has, and she didnt want my ex ringing him by accident?? 😂 its tragic. It’s batshit - and shes lying! Im done now- every message is just more deflection.

Sorry, forgot to say, i havent blocked her yet as i wanted to hear her reply and also im a bit concerned about her mental health (im a mug, i know).

Those people who are supposed to hate you....I wonder if she's telling them you hate them.

Op, regardless of anything else, never be held to ransom by someone's mental health. Never do anything you aren't comfortable with, because you're afraid of someone's mental health.

It sounds harsh but I mean it in a nice way - nothing you do can make or break someone's mental health. If they do something bad because of poor mental health, it's not your fault. If they get better, it's not to your credit.

So just forget about her MH entirely, leave it out of the equation when deciding how best to respond.

Without a doubt. I would ask one of them next time I saw them ‘by the way, x says you hate me. Sorry if I offended you in some way’. Willing to bet they will have a similar story.

Block her, and next time you see one of her other friends or sister or whatever, bring it up... casually..

I'll bet they've been told you hate them, and probably that you've ditched her out of the blue for no reason at all/ghosted her/etc.

Thank you so much. I find myself worrying about her mental health more than my own and it has taken its toll. Still now, I am worried about her even though she has reacted so coldly. I will take your advice to heart

Because blocking is what teenagers do? I understand if abusive messages are being sent, fair enough. But in a sort like this? If you want to end the friendship do so and then ignore if you want, no need to block!

Are you certain it's from your friend and not another colleague with the same name? If it's a common name?

Yes sadly shes confirmed it herself

So the door of communication to your ex is fully open to her but she’s closed your door to her friends and family by referring to hatred

and you’re concerned about her mental health?

She’s done her best to destroy your self-esteem and mental health, OP. In sending a personal card with her private details she’s put the final boot in to you and made it even worse by deflecting and failing to apologise.

She has zero respect for you or her partner. Consign her to history. She’s been vile to you.

Yes you’re right. She’s fine, on social media she’s been for a relaxing spa day to get rid of all the ‘stress’ she’s had in the last few days. (Thinly veiled dig at me 🙄). Feel silly for worrying!

She is your complete opposite. She lacks a conscience or shred of self doubt. Her spa day is reward for her increasing nastiness. She proudly announces it knowing you’re going to read it. See her for what she is: DARVO from head to foot.
Block her from contact and free your mind of her.

OP, I mean this kindly but you need to seek counselling.
An abusive ex and a friend who has utterly used, lied, manipulated and likely betrayed you......and yet you are still concerned about her????

Do you want to be abused by people?
If you don't and want a better future, take responsibility and try and figure out why you place such little value on yourself.

Your response is not normal nor self valuing.

We teach people how to treat us.
You need to look hard at what you are teaching, because it really is to treat you appallingly.

You deserve so much better.

believe me this was a huge step in me sticking up for myself. It’s a first! I’m usually too scared. I’m not used to the feelings that come with it but I’m proud of myself.

i don’t feel worried about her now. It’s been a process as I’m so used to putting other people’s feelings first. but I’ve moved forward from that and realised I shouldn’t care and should value myself first. Asking on here has been greatly vindicating too.

But yes, you’re right, I have taught people how to treat me and now have a better self awareness. Thank you - I totally get your point and you are right.

Update, which has left me feeling conflicted and annoyed tbh.

Heard nothing from ex friend for months. It's my birthday soon and I received a card in the post from her this morning.

I felt really triggered by it given our history and thought about not opening it, in case it's a hoovering tactic so DH offered to open it and read it for me. Well, it was nothing like I expected - just a 'happy birthday, hope you're well, love xxxx'

My reaction initially was confusion - has she forgotten our falling out? I was wondering what your thoughts were. Why would she send a card without acknowledging our falling out/last convo? What would you do in my shoes? I've decided to keep my distance and not respond at all but interested in hearing your thoughts. Just think it's weird. Thanks in advance!

Take your pick from

1. Your ex is up to something and she's trying to get back in with you to help him.
2. She's trying to get back in with you to have a reason to be in contact with your ex.
3. She's run out of people to play off against one another and wants her old victim back.
4. She think she's so wonderful that you'll be grateful for her gracing your mantlepiece with the Card Shop's Finest Cheapest.

and then chuck it in the bin, giving it - and her - no more thought.

thanks - it’s just weird behaviour to me. Have chucked in the bin 🎉

1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?

…

1. OP, first let me say you are right to feel upset, you have been betrayed by a friend who you stood by and supported. It’s not unreasonable to expect reciprocation. YANBU!
2. You do not have a duty to listen to her, and you cannot ‘make’ her mental health worse because YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FEELINGS, she is. She chooses how to feel, just like she chose to betray you.

Seriously I would step away, this ‘friendship’ isn’t genuine and you own her nothing. If you choose that route and she falls apart it’s nothing more than she deserves after such a massive betrayal.
Sending you big hugs