Friend sends abusive ex a leaving card -AIBU to be upset?

[Schnauzer21]

Hi first time posting but long-time reader. I have this friend. Supposedly my best friend, we go back years and i have just supported her through a difficult divorce with ironically an abusive partner.

She works with my ex who was abusive in our relationship, which she is fully aware of. He has just been made redundant and is leaving their shared workplace. She has given him a leaving card with her contact details on asking him to keep in touch. I found out through our daughter who saw the card when staying with her father.

I feel really betrayed by her. I know it’s only a card but I could never do the same to her out of loyalty. And asking to keep in touch and leaving contact details?

My post really has 2 parts/queries-

1. I’m really upset that she would do this, -AIBU?
2. She is very mentally vulnerable and constantly ringing for a chat and i cant face talking to her as I’m so upset. I don't want to make her mental health worse - what should I do?

Thanks in advance

Thank you. This is really helpful - I will use this 💙

To be honest I would have quietly cut her out of my life years ago for being an irritating drama llama. Her sister hates you and her other group of friends hate you?!

What is this - 1991 and guide camp?!

Even if it is true - why - personally I don’t have time to start hating randomers - my life is quite busy - unless they killed my dog I really can’t be arsed with any emotion being vague irritation - why in the world would she share it with you? Just see you and see her sister / other group of friends. It reallly isn’t complicated.

Thank you. Yes it’s perplexed me - it must be a tactic to keep me on her side for whatever reason but it’s always struck me as weird. I used to brush if off but slowly realising its a tactic - albeit an immature one. Divide and conquer and all that. I’m much too old for all this now.

She's after him 😬

There's no way I could be more than barely civil to someone who had abused a friend. In fact I am less friendly with my friend's abusive ex than she is!

I would just withdraw. Be unavailable. If she asks, say "I know you sent a card to ex giving him your contact details and that you are obviously friends with him, and given what he did to me I can't see you as a friend. I wish you all the best "

You could send that preemptively if you want but I don't think I could be bothered. I'm not usually a fan of ghosting but in this situation that's what I would do. She's crossed a line.

Your so called friend didn't believe you op and if he was convicted she's just vile

F

in my case the abuse was something that continues whenever he gets the chance
I agree that the 'friend' has behaved badly but, also, have you noticed that ex happened to leave the card where DD could see it ...

He may have set her up. She may also like drama triangles. The two things can both be true.

She is utterly vile.
Cut her out.
You have been very naive about her.
I wouldn't trust her as far as I'd throw her.
I wouldn't be diplomatic about it either.

I don’t know why you are worrying about her mental health when she doesn’t care about yours

Yes, I was thinking exactly that.
So when she next calls you , you can say you don’t know how to process the fact she’s asked your abusive ex to stay in touch and has given him her contact details- maybe she’d like to explain her point of view because it looks like betrayal to you.

Yes he seemed to make sure my daughter knew about it and all the details in it. He sees it as a win.

Thank you. This is very true.

Thank you. Strange thing is, she’s engaged to someone else.

Mute her number and forget her , she's a snake ! Her mental health is her own responsibility, not yours. You need to protect yourself here.id drop her like a hot potato and never tell her why.

Yanbu, ice cold should that utter snake.

trust me, my family did similar and I have no contact with any of them anymore, it’s abject betrayal.

He sees it as a win over you - and so does she. She sounds very fucked up and a poisonous person who can only do harm.

Phase her out. She is most certainly not worth it.

Assuming the ex didn't add the phone number in to piss the OP off if he deliberately showed it to his daughter knowing it would upset the OP. That's unlikely but I'd ask a good friend. It doesn't sound as though you'd be sad to see the back of her so maybe reducing contact is the best thing as the card to the ex is just one of several unfriendly or tiresome things she's done

Oh gosh, I would feel really let down by this.
YANBU and hope you're ok

EX aside it’s funny that she’s the common denominator between you and all these people that “hate” you. She’s a stirrer.

Why does her sister and all her other friends hate you? Is it because she has been slagging you off to them?

Thanks, I’ll ask her if/when I speak to her. I wouldn’t put it past him tbh

Oh yes that’s true! Not great for my self esteem always wondering if there’s something wrong with me

To be honest, I have never asked why. If there was a new friend on the scene they would ‘hate’ me according to her.

Sorry but fuck her, you're one friend lighter. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.