To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

It’s not “lying” to your children to not answer all of their questions. It’s absolutely correct to answer what is age appropriate, to occasionally tell white lies and sometimes to say “that’s not really any of our business!”

My kids ask all sorts of inappropriate and personal questions every day 😂 It’s not lying to them to not answer them all with 100% honesty.

Your friend needs to get over themself.

I don't see why your friends are making such a big deal over it, as if it's somehow going to make their child traumatised that your child is adopted and they haven't been sat down and told formally or something!

7 is a horrible age for teasing, and nosey questions. I'd be worried about the potential repercussions for your child. It would have been better if they'd always known.

At this age, I'd be inclined to say to a child, "families come in all different sizes and it's not any of our business why someone might live with one parent. It would be rude to ask questions." and then read a book together about different families.

Whatever happened to "holding things lightly"? Single parenthood and adoption really shouldn't be a big deal in this day and age. The friend sounds like a drama queen!

It’s none of the other parents business and it’s a ridiculous notion that they have to tell the truth, it doesn’t affect any of them so like you said, not their story to tell. How rude of them.

Exactly! I completely agree.

And even if their child does get pissed off if and when they learn about the adoption and realise that their parents knew, so what? At that point they should be old enough to understand that it wasn’t their story to tell.

"but they feel that their DC will be upset they didn’t know, especially if they find out from someone else." Tough shit it isn't about them.

100%

When I was about 10 my mom told me of a friend's daughter who was my age that she is adopted. I never said anything to her or to anyone but I always respected people's privacy.

I think your kid and the other kid are too young. This is probably something that shouldn t be discussed by the other family.

Equally it doesn't sound like the parents are happy about it so prepare yourself as they will likely tell their child.

Sorry I disagree with you. Lying now stores up problem s for later. Your children have parents who love and care for them...who cares how that occurs. I've adopted second cousins . It wasn't important...they cousins...no secret. If your friends and their children making it an issue it's them not you and choose other friends. Hope ok to disagree with you.

This was my gut instinct. It’s all about THEIR child. It’s really really not! Is your friend normally so self-absorbed?

Whilst I understand their child's feelings are going to be their priority, this isn't their news to tell and your child's privacy wins in a game of top trumps.

I would be very clear one final time that you don't want their child told and if they can't respect that then you need to take a huge step back as they will have proven they are not friends. They won't be "lying" to their child if they give the very reasonable answer you've thoughtfully provided and I agree it's YOUR child's news to tell to who and when she wants to.

I sincerely hope they see reason here

@Kentuckycriedfrickin

'given that information to your friends'

thats a strange thing to say, adoption is a tricky thing to hide amongst friends.

I think it’s pretty reasonable tbh. Kid asks ‘where is kid X’s dad’? I suppose parents could answer ‘I don’t know’ without it being a lie. I don’t think the ‘all families are different’ line is helpful really as it doesn’t explain anything. Kids know that everyone has a father.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust.

The level of self-absorption and entitlement is staggering. They genuinely feel that your child's right to privacy is less important than their child's desire to know another families private, personal history.

I can't imagine many children giving a shit that they weren't told their friend was adopted. But if their child does get upset on finding out (if that happens) then why can't the parents simply explain that they were asked to keep the information private and that part of being a good friend is learning to keep your mouth shut when someone tells you something in confidence? If their child won't accept that then they have much bigger problems.

Your child's right to privacy trumps their child's curiosity. End of. If friends cannot understand that then in your shoes I would be questioning whether this was a friendship worth continuing.

How rude!!!! Tell them to mind their own business and not talk about your set-up at home. How vile of them, none of their business.

@Thingsthatgo

and to you too... 'shared the information'...

how do you propose adoptive parents keep it a secret exactly? Have a pretend bump then 'go away indefinitely' until they adopt a baby then come back?!?!

Well it's a shame people didn't read OP's later posts where they explained that the child was asking why there is only one parent in the house. So nothing at all to do with adoption!

No, you really need to read @Hellotoyouandyou 's posts. It is definitely about the "friends" wanting to tell their DC that OP's DD is adopted, when her DD does not want this known.

Yes, the friends' DC is asking about there being only one parent. But the OP's friends feel they have to explain the adoption thing as well.

They are vastly overstepping and are so so self-centred.

Your child's right to privacy trumps their child's curiosity. End of. If friends cannot understand that then in your shoes I would be questioning whether this was a friendship worth continuing.

This.

And this is perfect wording to make it very clear to your "friends" that they would be seriously overstepping, and that you would have to rethink any contact with them if they did this.

Which is perfectly valid.
A family member is adopted.
They have known this since being a small child,
Now in early teens they do not want for people ( outside of immediate family, of course) to know they are adopted.

Their right to protect that information, for now, should be respected.

Your friends are being ridiculous and pathetic to claim their children may claim they lied and use this as an excuse to share sensitive information and disregard you and your child’s wishes for privacy on the matter. .

I'm a bit outraged on your behalf OP. How bloody dare she put herself before your child. I'd be giving her a real example of sharing private things that are not yours to tell. Stand up to her and tell her this will damage your friendship badly.

I think it’s very insensitive of your friends to make this about them. It’s enough for them to say that families are different and some families only have one parent. That’s the truth. The details are not their DC’s business.

OP I would actually be quite firm about this with them. They need to respect your child’s right to privacy and if they break your trust they need to know it would be very damaging to your friendship.

Absolutely.

Sitting them down and telling them personal details about someone else - behind their back - is saying that gossip is OK.

But the OP isn’t lying to her daughter about being adopted. She’s requesting that her “friend” doesn’t share this information with her children, who have no right to know and on whom the information has zero effect.

I really don't see why they feel they have to answer every question their children ask. There must be some where they genuinely don't know the answer and tell their children that. There is no reason why they can't tell their children that some children have a single parent for all sorts of reasons, e.g. death, divorce, separation, illness, service overseas etc, and the exact reason is actually none of their business.

I didn’t say it was.

But when children ask that question it’s nothing to do with adoption, it’s generally just a childish ‘everyone has a mummy and daddy’ thing. Of course, lots of children don’t because they have a single parent - and that’s not at all uncommon nowadays. Why on Earth can’t your ‘friends’ simply explain this? Eg “not every child has a mum and dad, some just have a mum, some just have a dad. It’s no big deal.”

I put ‘friends’ in inverted commas there because what kind of friend would seek to tell private information about a child? It’s horrible and unnecessary. You can bet their children won’t keep it quiet either.

I’m afraid I’d be quite fierce about this because the information isn’t theirs to share. I’d explain that and put it in a solicitor’s letter too.

Its up to your DC and yourself whether you tell people.