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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my kids dad's new GF take my kids for the day

115 replies

Sunsparkles · 25/07/2024 15:28

My ex has a new GF, been together approx 4.5 months. Our kids (both under 10yrs) have met her a few times and she has stayed over at his and they have stayed over once with their dad at hers. He will soon be moving in with her and the kids will visit there on his weekends.

He intends to let her take our kids to a theme park tomorrow without him.

I have said categorically no to this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Greenlittecat · 25/07/2024 15:29

Have you met her?

Why isn't their dad going?

I don't think I'd be happy in this situation either

FuzzyStripes · 25/07/2024 15:29

If tomorrow is his time to spend with the children then yes, YABU.

socks1107 · 25/07/2024 15:30

I understand the maternal feelings and jealousy.
However as a parent he's deemed this person responsible enough to have the kids so yabu if it's on his time.

lazysummerdayz · 25/07/2024 15:30

As much as I wouldn't like it either I don't think there is much you can do to stop it at all - just the same as if he was using childcare on "his" days you wouldn't be able to dictate it

IncognitoUsername · 25/07/2024 15:30

Do they know about the trip and what are your reasons for not letting them go with her?

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 25/07/2024 15:32

Is it his day tomorrow?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2024 15:32

2 and 4 and she has no kids herself, I'd be a bit concerned. 8 and 9 and she's a parent, not as much.

Soitis83 · 25/07/2024 15:33

I wouldn't trust someone I knew for 4 months to take my kids to a theme park for the day let alone someone their dad knew. Too many horror stories from ex husbands new girlfriends. But thats just me and I'm so glad it's not me, because there's not much you can do on his day with them I'm afraid. It must be rough x

Drizzlebizzle · 25/07/2024 15:35

They've been together for 4.5 months and she's taking them out by herself... I don't think there's anything you can do but he's fallen on his feet getting new GF to look after his children. Is she young?

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 25/07/2024 15:35

He gets to devise what his kids get to do on his days and who with.

You don't get a veto.

Just like he doesn't get to control what you do when the kids are with you.

FuzzyStripes · 25/07/2024 15:37

As you say, soon she will be living in the same house as your children and you can’t control who is around the children during the time their father is responsible for them (and vice versa). Unfortunately this is the reality of parents being separated.

Dumbo18 · 25/07/2024 15:39

I understand completely people saying his day its up to him but if i felt like my kids would be in a situation where they are potentially unsafe i just wouldnt allow it sorry - wouldn't care if it was his day or not, you do not stop being a caring parent just because its not your day to have them. The kids come first always, its our job make these decisions for them

Jumblebum · 25/07/2024 15:40

Unfortunately if it's his day you don't have a say. You chose to have children with him and he has regular contact with them so presumably you feel he is a safe parent who can make good decisions for them? I can totally see why you would hate. I would too. But part of being a separated family is coming to terms with the fact that you hand over complete control when your kids are not with you.

If you have any reason to believe that she may be a danger to your children then that's different. If not then prep them well before they go about safety, staying together, have they charged phones, do they know numbers and then let them go and have a nice time.

Leggyhermit · 25/07/2024 15:41

the only concern I would have is the ratio of adults to kids in terms of height restrictions and who's gonna sit on what rides alone?

we took my 9 year old son to Chessington a couple of weeks ago and there was plenty he wasn't able to go on, some things were with an adult. 2 kids and 1 adult at a theme park is asking for issues. Why can't dad go? Or could she maybe take a friend so it's 1 child each.

I will say though him having a girlfriend who's interested in the kids enough to take them out for the day on her own after only knowing him 4.5 months she's clearly making an effort to be kind and generous to them. Let her, would you prefer a sour faced cow that dosnt like them? She's not replacing you. You're there mum you're irreplaceable just remember that.

Jumblebum · 25/07/2024 15:43

Dumbo18 · 25/07/2024 15:39

I understand completely people saying his day its up to him but if i felt like my kids would be in a situation where they are potentially unsafe i just wouldnt allow it sorry - wouldn't care if it was his day or not, you do not stop being a caring parent just because its not your day to have them. The kids come first always, its our job make these decisions for them

Why do you think they would be unsafe?

SonicTheHodgeheg · 25/07/2024 15:46

yabu if it’s his day tomorrow. He’s allowed to delegate childcare on his days to whoever he likes and if you veto this outing tomorrow then he’ll stop telling you in advance. If you took it to court then they’d say yabu

Dumbo18 · 25/07/2024 15:48

Jumblebum · 25/07/2024 15:43

Why do you think they would be unsafe?

Show quote history

I'm not saying i think they will be unsafe just saying if i DID feel that i would be against it. Suppose my argument would be one adult two kids, may get tricky if the kids want to go on different rides, one isn't tall enough etc At the least i'd want to meet her. Suppose it also comes down to how responsible the Dad is and if you trust him to make the right decisions for the kids

LoremIpsumCici · 25/07/2024 15:51

YABU. She’s just a babysitter that he sleeps with as far as your DC are concerned. You’d only have a leg to stand on if she is high or drunk or abusive while they are in her care. Why not go with them so you can get to know her?

NewNameNigel · 25/07/2024 15:52

I can see why don't like this but if you kick up a fuss now, don't complain when she refuses to help with childcare later on down the line and it inconveniences you...

DaisyChain505 · 25/07/2024 15:53

Sorry but you have no right to dictate who your ex decides can look after your children during his custody time. Unless of course there was a cause for concern regarding safety etc.

You’re just falling straight into the irrational crazy ex category, sorry.

JFDIYOLO · 25/07/2024 15:55

If it's jealousy, nothing more, YABU.

Is he going? If yes, YABU, it's good for him to start building a relationship with them and his partner. Her being there too, unless you have reason to believe she's a danger to them, is fine.

If not, though - has he offloaded his responsibility to another wife appliance? Is this actually a day he's supposed to be with them? Has he something he'd rather be doing, like, I don't know, golf? If so - nope. YANBU. He gets off his arse and does his dadly duty too.

Tagyoureit · 25/07/2024 15:58

I feel there's a bit of double standards in the comments here.

If a mum had said "I've been dating a guy for 4.5 months and he's already met my kids, everyone would be going nuts saying that's too soon, you can't introduce your children to someone you've only been dating for less than 32 years and you should say he's only your friend!"

Whilst a day out is good thing, I do think the dad should be there too!

jeaux90 · 25/07/2024 15:58

Nothing you can do but your ex is a loser who has outsourced the DC to his latest "support human"

He is probably over the moon (nob)

Leggyhermit · 25/07/2024 16:00

how old are the children have I missed that part?

just tell them if they get lost (which I'm sure they won't) go to staff member they're usually pretty easy to spot at a theme park, or a woman with children. Again easy to find in a theme park and ask for help.

unless he's saying an 18 year old girl with no brain cells she's gonna be just as nervous as you are about this abs desperate to do a good job

FatmanandKnobbin · 25/07/2024 16:01

Yabu.

You said under 10, so I presume they are nearer to age 10 than toddlers.

They have met, and like each other, she is going to be moving in, so will spend time with them regularly, and you want to put a spanner in the works rather than support a relationship with this woman, who will be important in their lives for no real reason at all.

Their dad trusts her, so you're going to have to accept that.