To stop my kids dad's new GF take my kids for the day

[Sunsparkles]

My ex has a new GF, been together approx 4.5 months. Our kids (both under 10yrs) have met her a few times and she has stayed over at his and they have stayed over once with their dad at hers. He will soon be moving in with her and the kids will visit there on his weekends.

He intends to let her take our kids to a theme park tomorrow without him.

I have said categorically no to this. AIBU?

You can say no but legally a court would side with him, if he ever bothers.

I wouldn't let anyone I didn't know and who my DCs didn't know that well take my two young DCs to a theme park on their own. End of.

I would want to know they could cope with tired and over excited DCs. What if they suddenly start crying and wanting a parent (probably you) and are unconsolable by a virtual stranger?

No. In future maybe but not yet.

If it's DHs time with them, why isn't he spending time with them? Why is he palming them off on his GF?

You don’t get to “categorically say no” if tomorrow is his day. He can choose to let her if that’s what he wants to do.

Just like if you wanted your parent to watch them on your day, or wanted them to go out with their friends mum on your day, he can’t point blank refuse.

I get why you don’t love the idea but you’re unreasonable to even think you get a final or categoric say on the matter

You say they're both under 10 years old but how far under?

This is pretty relevant for me.

I wouldn't let anyone I didn't know and who my DCs didn't know that well take my two young DCs to a theme park on their own. End of.

How would you stop them?

Unbending attitudes like that tend to lead to parents not communicating until after the event has happened.

The horse has already bolted, so I don't see the point in putting the kibosh on their day trip now.

Its not your decision to make.

It's not the question you asked and there isn't anything you can do about it but moving in after 4.5. months? When he has two kids under 10? Sheesh.

She's showing willing to be involved with doing something nice with the children. Give her a chance.

Presumably it's a day off work for her so it's a good sign she is prepared to do stuff with her partners children.

If you are divorced, you get to be the parent in ‘your’ time.

That includes doing what any parent has the right to do, including getting other adults to look after them.

Your ex doesn’t get a right to veto your family, friends or childminder looking after your children, so you don’t get the right to veto his gf unless you think she is actually somehow a danger to them (unlikely).

I get that you feel it is a poor parenting decision (sounds like it is to me as well) and it must feel awful, but that is the way it works and, unless you want to have an awful coparenting relationship, you have to live with it.

The trouble with that is that OP wouldn't be free to make choices like having a relative or family friend take the children out/agree to a sleepover or party/get a trusted friend to babysit while she went out, without her ex invoking his right to have them instead. Neither parent would be able to make normal parenting decisions and the kids' lives would be utterly chaotic. If it works one way, it has to work the other.

I wouldn't like this either, in fact I would hate it, but it is the reality of separated parents. OP doesn't have the right to dictate how the children cared for when they are in their father's custody.

Why don’t you want them to go?

Would the children enjoy it?

Agree if kids are under 10

I'm very pro step parents having relationships with kids, my eldest adores my partner and his stepmum.
But 4 months, even though not your choice, is not long enough for any adult in my opinion to have your kids all day.
She could be absolutely anybody. That's my concern. Could you imagine the concern if a man wanted full access to 2 without mum after 4 months?
Whilst I agree that men are more of a risk, female predators aren't unheard of. I'd be worried sick about this unless he's known his gf for a significant amount of time prior to their relationship.

Is the point of mums "parenting time" so that she can "spend time with the children"? Is she never allowed to ask a babysitter, partner or family member to watch the kids for a bit. Does she have to be entertaining them constantly?

Kids don't want or need that kind of relationship with their parents when they have separated. They want normal. They want a bit of telly, to be left on their own, to be taken out, to potter about with extended friends and family. Otherwise the parenting relationship becomes disneyfied.

Has he outsourced his child care responsibilities to his new girlfriend?

It would be a N fucking O from me.

This sums up the situation.

It would depend on a number of factors for me.

The age of the new partner
If the new partner has children herself
How my child felt about the partner (if they'd been coming home with complaints I wouldn't be happy)

I'd feel fine about a newish partner taking mine to the local park but I feel like a theme park is very, very different. Especially on your own with two kids and if you're not used to it. That being said I think it's lovely that she wants to play a more active role in their lives and spend quality time with them. The more people in childrens lives that can offer love, guidance and support the better imo.

Your ex is an idiot. What sort of dickhead introduced his kids to a new GF and moved in after 4 months. He really doesn't have your kids best interests at heart and is only thinking with his prick. Unfortunately, I don't think theirs a huge amount you can do about it if it's his contact time.

If you seek legal advice you will be advised that your ex is a responsible parent, who therefore has the capacity and right to make decisions about his children.

This is just as you have.

Unless you can prove otherwise.

In my case my toddler and 4 year old were being left with my ex’s 82 year old DM, a frail lady that said she couldn't care for both children safely. She lived an hour away from my ex and further from me.

I took legal advice and was advised of the above. I was also advised that if I was worried I should train our 4 year old, how to manage an emergency.

Goodness, wasn't expecting quite this response!

So, to answer the theme of questions & some more context;

He and I have a VERY strained parenting relationship which is way too complex to update here, but generally goes along a pattern of him wanting the kids more for a bit, then meeting someone new and refusing to have them as much and round and round we go. This current cycle was wanted the kids 50:50 Feb/mar time, I agreed to almost that much, then new gf on the scene suddenly he was withdrawing time with kids and now once he moves in with her (planned for sept) he is dropping his contact time to a day or two for 4 weekends then nothing for 4 weeks, then day or two for 4 weekends again.....

This is the 8th or 9th gf the kids have met in the last 2.5yrs, the 4th he has been going to move in with.

Kids are 9 & 6yrs.

After 3 months she took my 6yr old to her house without my ex for the morning while he was busy with the 9yr old. Neither child had been to her house before.

If (and based on history it's a big if) this relationship works then absolutely I want the kids to have a positive relationship with her, and no I don't want to stop them having fun times.

He broke his ankle today, they had plans already for tomorrow but obvs he can't go. And yes it is his time to have the kids.

I think perhaps I have different standards and level of respect for him (and the kids) than he does for me. Maybe that's why this grates so much. I wouldn't have dreamed of allowing this with my partner after such a short time, and even if I had I would have let him know. Not asked permission, but certainly been open to hearing his opinion. And btw he was kept right up front with my situation with my new partner, even before the kids met him, before they stayed at his (with me) and offered the opportunity to meet him.

If it's dads time he can leave kids with whoever he likes - same as when you have your kids ex doesn't get a say in who you choose to look after them. Unless there is a massive drip feed with concerning behaviour you don't get to say no unfortunately

He broke his ankle today, they had plans already for tomorrow but obvs he can't go. And yes it is his time to have the kids.

You should probably have put this in your OP.

I'd be fine with it then. It's nice of her to agree to take them so they're not disappointed.

He's a shit dad. Your kids will have an endless cycle of GF's , disruption and instability. Unfortunately, he's their dad and you can't dictate how he lives his life or how he spends his time with the children. I absolutely wouldn't like it. I'd absolutely be telling him about himself and the impact on the children. He'll probably think your jealous because he's a self centred prick and realistically he won't change his behaviour so it's probably pointless. Anyhow, he's a selfish, self centred arsehole that priorities his dick over his kids emotional wellbeing but he's their selfish, self centred arsehole.

He's broken his ankle, she's offered to to take them out. YABU, why shouldn't they do something?