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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed about him commenting on the way i look?

147 replies

ForRubyMentor · 25/07/2024 15:26

Hi all, so my boyfriend asks if we wanna go swimming this afternoon, he checks the timetable and says 'we have to be there in just under an hour'. OK great. I find the swimming costumes, armbands etc (we've just moved so was a bit of a rummage), get DD ready and get myself ready. Book a taxi, I'm about to put my shoes on and boyfriend says 'i don't understand why you'll get dressed up nice sometimes but you're happy to just throw anything on to go and sit in public' (I wasn't going to swim, just spectate and have a nice hot chocolate). I had clean, normal casual clothes on (red trousers and a black top). Hair was in a bun and no make up but I felt I looked absolutely fine. I said this to him and he said 'well why haven't you done your hair'. I ended up not going because the taxi arrived during this conversation and I now felt super self conscious so boyfriend has taken DD on her own.

I'm sat at home annoyed. This isn't the first time he's done this. He once ( at the start of our relationship asked me to go home instead of attending a bbq because 'you don't have any nice dresses or make up here' I'm pissed off tbh. I was looking forward to getting out of the house and just enjoying some time out. We have recently moved to his area and the swimming pool is at the gym he attends daily, I have text him and asked if he wanted me to look a certain way because people he knows will see us together and he said I'm overthinking it.

AIBU to be annoyed? I feel like I should have gone anyway but the atmosphere would have been sour because his comments really annoyed me. He takes alot of pride in how he looks and would be unhappy if I made similar comments to him just before leaving the house.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 25/07/2024 15:28

I would have said screw you and got in the cab. He can stay home if can't be seen out with you.

Nikkic2123 · 25/07/2024 15:35

Was he meeting anyone else?
Sounds a bit random for going to swimmers

NetflixAndKill · 25/07/2024 15:36

Off track but is your DD, his DD also? Just want to set aside him purposely upsetting you so he gets to go alone. Don't mean to offend.

InTheBleakMidsummer · 25/07/2024 15:40

What a shame you live together …

KreedKafer · 25/07/2024 15:46

He’s a piece of shit.

BouquetGarni224 · 25/07/2024 15:50

i don't understand why you'll get dressed up nice sometimes but you're happy to just throw anything on to go and sit in public' (I wasn't going to swim, just spectate and have a nice hot chocolate). I had clean, normal casual clothes on (red trousers and a black top). Hair was in a bun and no make up but I felt I looked absolutely fine. I said this to him and he said 'well why haven't you done your hair'. I ended up not going because the taxi arrived during this conversation and I now felt super self conscious so boyfriend has taken DD on her own.

Is she his child?

The above behaviour is not in any way normal.

You should have got in the taxi. There was absolutely no reason for you not to go - why are you submissive to him like that?

BouquetGarni224 · 25/07/2024 15:53

but you're happy to just throw anything on to go and sit in public' (I wasn't going to swim, just spectate

Who else dresses up nice to go and sit in a swimming pool spectator area?

(Having had to get their child's stuff ready and themselves ready in quite a short time).

Most people only dress up for .... Work (if their work place is smart that way), special occasions, nights out etc. The rest of the time I see 95% plus of the population dressed very casually.

There's something not right here at all.

SkaneTos · 25/07/2024 15:55

What was your boyfriend wearing? What did his hair look like?

BouquetGarni224 · 25/07/2024 15:57

he said 'well why haven't you done your hair'.

He is either extremely strange, or he didn't want you there.

Why the fuck would it ever matter if your hair is "done" to go and watch your child swim?
How many other people's hair would be done - I guarantee the women have it in a pony tail or loose bun or have just about dragged a brush through it.

As I said, something not right.

My opinion would depend on whether she's his child or not (not that some men don't groom and abuse their own kids).

heavenisaplaceonearth · 25/07/2024 15:58

Tell him to stop commenting on your choice of clothes and hair/makeup. Explain that it’s controlling abusive behaviour and you will not accept it ever again.

pikkumyy77 · 25/07/2024 15:59

This is so far outside of normal that I had to read it twice. How can you allow this person to be your boy friend? He despises you and won’t be seen in public with you unless you are dressed and made up? God help you if you ever have the temerity to age or put on weight! Or does he not know that this will happen?

VictoriaEra · 25/07/2024 16:00

I think you're correct in your assumptions. It appears that he is keen to be associated with someone who 'takes care' (in his opinion) of their appearance. It's that kind of vanity for him whilst at his gym.

paintedpumpkins · 25/07/2024 16:01

If you stay in this relationship, your daughter will think this is normal and ok.

It really, really isn’t.

ebadame · 25/07/2024 16:01

You aren't a prop. Ditch him

BouquetGarni224 · 25/07/2024 16:02

We have recently moved to his area and the swimming pool is at the gym he attends daily, I have text him and asked if he wanted me to look a certain way because people he knows will see us together and he said I'm overthinking it.

Even if that is the reason ....that would make him a shallow, pretentious, controlling idiot.

Who would rather his partner miss out on enjoying watching her child swim and would rather she sat at home on her own alone .... Than be seen with her not "done up".

That's not partner material and not father or step father material.

That's an odd, fucked person who needs to get their priorities in life correct.

ForRubyMentor · 25/07/2024 16:02

Yeah she is his child and I have no concerns about their relationship. He wasn't meeting anyone else and he was wearing shorts and t shirt with his hair done as he normally has it. He seems overly concerned with what other people think about his (and now my) appearance.

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 25/07/2024 16:02

What the hell have I just read? Who does he think he is? Is he the father of your child? What do you think he'll teach her about her bodily image?

PBCookies · 25/07/2024 16:02

I wondered if she is his bio child, too.
If you know you're with a shallow man then you either accept his personality and make an effort, break up with him or not care about his opinion and carry on with life anyway. He is not going to change, he likes his girlfriend to look like a trophy.

It's also sad for your DD that there is an atmosphere and her mommy is not there to watch her. You should have ignored him or laughed it off and later decided the fate of the relationship. You're both immature.

CloverOrwell · 25/07/2024 16:04

This is really really sad. You deserve so much better than this - nice men don’t act like this, especially towards those they supposedly love!

ebadame · 25/07/2024 16:05

ForRubyMentor · 25/07/2024 16:02

Yeah she is his child and I have no concerns about their relationship. He wasn't meeting anyone else and he was wearing shorts and t shirt with his hair done as he normally has it. He seems overly concerned with what other people think about his (and now my) appearance.

Soon he'll have concerns about your child's appearance

BouquetGarni224 · 25/07/2024 16:05

He seems overly concerned with what other people think about his (and now my) appearance.

He sounds like an absolute shallow, pretentious, immature wanker.

And I can't believe he deprived you of enjoying watching your daughter. And deprived your daughter of you being there.

You should never ever let him put you off going out like that - ever again.

He sounds like he walks all over you.

In the nicest possible way, get a backbone/ self respect/confidence/some fight in you....your daughter is watching this and learning what relationships are like. Thinking this is acceptable or normal.

pikkumyy77 · 25/07/2024 16:06

I agree with the others as well—its VERY unusual for a man to voluntarily take a young child swimming without help. I think its obvious that he picked a fight with you in order to stop you from going to the gym. If that weren’t the case at the moment that you looked like you were not going he would have apologized and made up with you so you could all have family time at the gym. He did not want you there

Potential reasons:
He had friends who you would not impress/he is embarrassed by you.
He had a girlfriend with her own family that he might bump into and he would rather be presenting himself as separated or separating from you.
If its not his child he is inappropriately interested in her and wants to be able to dress snd undress her.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 25/07/2024 16:08

WTF he sounds like a right fucking jerk. How dare he. What are his good points? Can you imagine, your daughter is going to grow up with someone like this for a father... poor child. He's embarrassed by you - so youre good enough to have a child with - but not good enough to be seen out? Nah - hes a twat, Why are you with him?

BouquetGarni224 · 25/07/2024 16:08

He had a girlfriend with her own family that he might bump into and he would rather be presenting himself as separated or separating from you.

This is a possibility too.

Maybe he's involved with or at the very least interested in someone at the gym.

He didn't want seen with a partner, wants to pretend he's separated.

ginasevern · 25/07/2024 16:09

Sounds like he really didn't want you at swimming or the BBQ you mention for a particular reason. Either way, tell him to get stuffed and find somewhere else to live. You can't go on like this.

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