To be annoyed about him commenting on the way i look?

[ForRubyMentor]

Hi all, so my boyfriend asks if we wanna go swimming this afternoon, he checks the timetable and says 'we have to be there in just under an hour'. OK great. I find the swimming costumes, armbands etc (we've just moved so was a bit of a rummage), get DD ready and get myself ready. Book a taxi, I'm about to put my shoes on and boyfriend says 'i don't understand why you'll get dressed up nice sometimes but you're happy to just throw anything on to go and sit in public' (I wasn't going to swim, just spectate and have a nice hot chocolate). I had clean, normal casual clothes on (red trousers and a black top). Hair was in a bun and no make up but I felt I looked absolutely fine. I said this to him and he said 'well why haven't you done your hair'. I ended up not going because the taxi arrived during this conversation and I now felt super self conscious so boyfriend has taken DD on her own.

I'm sat at home annoyed. This isn't the first time he's done this. He once ( at the start of our relationship asked me to go home instead of attending a bbq because 'you don't have any nice dresses or make up here' I'm pissed off tbh. I was looking forward to getting out of the house and just enjoying some time out. We have recently moved to his area and the swimming pool is at the gym he attends daily, I have text him and asked if he wanted me to look a certain way because people he knows will see us together and he said I'm overthinking it.

AIBU to be annoyed? I feel like I should have gone anyway but the atmosphere would have been sour because his comments really annoyed me. He takes alot of pride in how he looks and would be unhappy if I made similar comments to him just before leaving the house.

OP do you work and have your own money?

I'd honestly be looking for an exit.

He is not a nice person and soon he'll be saying the same to your DD.

Not the main point but you've moved to his area with him, so presumably haven't established yourself yet with local friends etc, and he does to the gym daily?
How does he have time with a child to go to the gym every day? And you getting left home a lot in an area you don't know?

He knows you're self conscious about your looks and uses it to manipulate you ...like getting you to stay at home when he doesn't want you around

He's known it from how you not only stayed with him, but had his child, and changed things about your looks . ...after finding out he cheated multiple times with multiple women.

And it was cheating ....you may not have had some big "we're official" conversation but he gave you the impression you were exclusive & serious .... Spending every day with you, telling you he loved you etc.
He didn't make it clear at all that you were not exclusive

Cause it suited him not to. I bet he'd have hit the fucking roof if you'd been involved with other men at that time.
But when you found out he was seeing and shagging multiple women; it was "oh we aren't exclusive, we weren't official".

I bet you'd have been somehow exclusive and official if it had been the other way around (you shagging around). Do you think he'd have kept on seeing you if it had been you with multiple other men on the go.

He's continued using your lack of confidence to keep you down and manipulative you.

You can see that from how you didn't tell him to fuck off and wise up when he told you you couldn't come to the pool/gym.

And I'm sorry but I'd put money on why he doesn't want to be seen with a partner at the gym.

This is not the environment you want your daughter to grow up in and learn from. Her future relationships will likely be abusive.

LTB.

If not for you then for your child.

Before I met Dh I was with a man who used to critique my appearance in a similar fashion. It only got worse. he started saying I was 'representing him' and had to look good to show him off to his best. I started doing things I'd never considered before.... changed hairstyles to the one he chose for me. Wore clothes that he chose for me. Had some cosmetic stuff done I'd have never chosen. No matter what i did it was not good enough and i was on eggshels all the time thinking that if only I tried harder then it would be enough for him- but the goal posts kept changing. Once he got so angry with me because I ate a single jaffa cake. That was disrespecting him, because he needed a good looking and thin woman on his arm.

It started small and got worse. But incrementally. He always had a reason- 'but I want you to look your best. I don't think you are trying. ' then graduated to 'Well of course I am sleeping with so and so... she takes care of herself, you don't.

It nearly destroyed me. It certainly destroyed my self esteem. I've never really got it back even though i have been with DH for 20 years and he calls me 'Beautiful' rather than my name. As in 'Do you need anything from Aldi, Beautiful?'.

I think you need to think hard about this relationship. Does it have the potential to absolutely ruin who you really are? If so- then what do you need to do?

Good luck.

Have you moved away from your friends and family?

I'd be fucking seething. He must think you're an idiot to respond to comments like that positively.
I'd tell him he looks like the back end of a bus and he can leave permanently!

He's like a wort you can't get rid of.

Sounds like standard abuser bs. They knock your confidence just as you're about to go do something you've been looking forwards to. Or anything important.

Does he also have form for ruining special occasions/holidays?

Standard narcissist bullshit.

Designed to make you sad, lower your self esteem, make you feel "not enough" and keep you trapped with them.

Run for the hills.

Since becoming 'official' I believe he has been faithful and have been given no reason to think otherwise

He's at the gym every day.

How long is he there for?

He very obviously did not want you going to that gym with him today.

Gotta wonder why.

Your mistake was to stay with him right at the beginning of your relationship when he stopped you going to a barbecue because of not having any nice dresses or make up. That should have told you exactly what kind of person he is.
At the start he should have been thinking how wonderful you were and be proud to be with you, not berating you on your looks.
Do you want your daughter to be judged on her looks, rather than achievements and personality?
He's never going to change, he'll just continue to make you feel awful about yourself. Do you want to live like this forever? If not, get the strength to leave him. I notice you refer to him as your boyfriend, did he ever want to marry you, has marriage ever been discussed?

He checks his timetable? What timetable? Why did you have to be there in under an hour? I don't understand that part. Can't you go swimming any time?

I doubt if I'll be the only one on here to consider that he was being over-critical.
I think you ought to be considering your relationship.

Have you got a promotion or had some good news recently? Just wondering if this was him trying to take you down a peg.

Your mistake was to stay with him right at the beginning of your relationship when he stopped you going to a barbecue because of not having any nice dresses or make up.

Ah, I think her mistake was continuing to see him and have a kid with him after she found out he'd cheated multiple times with multiple women .. while giving her the impression they were in a relationship.

And then using the "not official" story to excuse it.

The BBQ thing was probably related to that. There was probably a girl there he didn't want seen with his "gf" in front of.

Posters really need to read the op:s updates.

He would promptly be my EX....

Lots of pools have sessions..... Have you never ever encountered that?

It's sad that 'he isn't cheating...I dont think' is the standard for many ppl. Like honey, he is a massive bellend who makes you feel shit about yourself. Who cares if he is also shaggibg someone else? That would be like...rainbow sprinkles on the frosting of a three tiered sponge cake of bullshit he's putting you through at this point.

Partners are meant to make our lives warmer. To lift us up. To bring out the best in us. To bring joy.
To encourage us to believe in ourselves and to make us feel beautiful.

.. this guy...is just a prick.

Stop settling for 'oh well at least I don't think he's cheating atm'. Get your bloody bar up off the floor! Ditch the horrible man and make sure to tell his daughter that it's because we don't stay with men who treat women badly on your way out the door.

Not where I go. Thanks, that makes sense then!

Urgh god. No, love, this is horrible.

Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is so unkind? You and your DD deserve so much better.

Yeah she is his child and I have no concerns about their relationship.

Until his views about what women should look like start affecting her, maybe? He sounds like a total arsehole tbh.

I mean he sounds like a knob but all the “is he your DD’s dad because if not he is a paedophile” and “no man willingly takes kids swimming” are a huge reach and quite disturbing (more so than his behaviour).

Oh lovey I am sorry but he’s a basic arsehole

he’ll systematically destroy any self esteem you have if you stay with him

I hope DD doesn’t have his last name (and please don’t tell us he’s a great father. Great fathers do not belittle & hurt the mother of their child)

Does he get a taxi to the gym every day?

Or was the taxi just because your daughter was going?

Is there no public transport?

I know it's off topic, I just can't imagine doing that. It must be so expensive.