To be annoyed about him commenting on the way i look?

[ForRubyMentor]

Hi all, so my boyfriend asks if we wanna go swimming this afternoon, he checks the timetable and says 'we have to be there in just under an hour'. OK great. I find the swimming costumes, armbands etc (we've just moved so was a bit of a rummage), get DD ready and get myself ready. Book a taxi, I'm about to put my shoes on and boyfriend says 'i don't understand why you'll get dressed up nice sometimes but you're happy to just throw anything on to go and sit in public' (I wasn't going to swim, just spectate and have a nice hot chocolate). I had clean, normal casual clothes on (red trousers and a black top). Hair was in a bun and no make up but I felt I looked absolutely fine. I said this to him and he said 'well why haven't you done your hair'. I ended up not going because the taxi arrived during this conversation and I now felt super self conscious so boyfriend has taken DD on her own.

I'm sat at home annoyed. This isn't the first time he's done this. He once ( at the start of our relationship asked me to go home instead of attending a bbq because 'you don't have any nice dresses or make up here' I'm pissed off tbh. I was looking forward to getting out of the house and just enjoying some time out. We have recently moved to his area and the swimming pool is at the gym he attends daily, I have text him and asked if he wanted me to look a certain way because people he knows will see us together and he said I'm overthinking it.

AIBU to be annoyed? I feel like I should have gone anyway but the atmosphere would have been sour because his comments really annoyed me. He takes alot of pride in how he looks and would be unhappy if I made similar comments to him just before leaving the house.

This isn't the first time he's done this. He once ( at the start of our relationship asked me to go home instead of attending a bbq because 'you don't have any nice dresses or make up here'

He's either playing the field and doesn't want you around when there might be another woman he's involved with (or wants to be involved with) around.

Or he's one shallow wanker who wants you to fuck off or stay at home like a toy he can discard ... If you're not looking dolled up enough when he wants you to be.

Or both.

I'm really sorry to hear you have a child with this bloke.

You need to get the the bottom of this.

He's absolutely awful, but if you decide to stay with him, don't ever again let him confine you to the house by criticising your appearance.

Imagine growing up hearing your dad say stuff like this. You need to be more assertive and push back on this. What is he going to start saying to his DD when she's growing up and wanting to go out?

*You need to get the the bottom of this.

Oh and if you decided to snoop to see if you can see him in communication with another woman ..... Don't confront him before you do.
He'll just delete everything or lock everything down.

Is there any history of cheating?

I voted YABU because I think you were silly to decide not to go. The only sensible response to this was 'Fuck off, Simon, and grow up. I'm an adult woman taking her daughter to a swimming pool, not a fantasy blow up doll that you can dress up in your head'.

I agree with others that he definitely didn't want you at these events.
He has absolutely no right to dictate to you what you wear.
Does he also try and control your behaviour in other areas of your life?

I would be very wary of him and this relationship if I were you.

I'd ditch him for that shit. My appearance is of no interest to me but and won't be made to feel like it ought to be. Anyone who has something nasty to say about how I look can jog on!

He's definitely picked a fight with you so you didn't go.

I hate even admitting to this as it makes me sound like the world's biggest pushover but before we were 'officially' together he slept with multiple women whilst telling me he loved me, spending the majority of days with me and promising it would never happen again. Atleast 4 that I know of in a 9 month period. Two were in one week, one was a few weeks later and the other was ongoing every few weeks for months. Since becoming 'official' I believe he has been faithful and have been given no reason to think otherwise. There are obviously massive underlying trust and self esteem issues that stemmed from all this. For example, all of these women looked a certain way - I found myself having a mole removed from my cheek and having lip filler, things I'd never dreamed of doing before we met.

He swears he is loyal now and I do believe him, but its very hard to forget.

He’s a dick. Just never let him stop you doing something you want to do ever again.

Your last update is really sad and shows a massive lack of self confidence which has been brought down by him.

I bet he's not even all that.

You deserve so much better.

How old is your daughter?

Quite honestly this doesn’t sound like a relationship worth preserving. He has negatively affected your self respect and will impact your daughter’s respect for you too.

Angry? I'd be absolutely livid. This one is not a keeper OP. You deserve so much better.

I had a feeling you were going to say something like this

I think this is why he refused to take you to the BBQ and probably why he's used excuses to get you to stay at home today

He acted official/exclusive with you before and was lying & cheating bigtine. .... So to be honest I don't see why he couldn't be doing it again now (even if he's says you're exclusive and he's faithful).

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

I'm sorry.

You need to nip this in the bud before he starts commenting negatively on your dd's appearance

He doesn't love you, because if he did then he'd think you're beautiful with your hair scraped up, your pyjamas on and no make up. Did your daughter understand why you didn't come? You're teaching her that her worth is only derived from how she looks and that's all a man will want about her by staying with him

You had a mole removed and lip filler FOR HIM?? Oh honey please please please have a word with yourself! I mean this with utmost kindness- imagine your DD told you she’d done what you’ve done FOR A MAN- wouldn’t you want to weep? I hate to say it but he doesn’t like you let alone love you- he’s a cheat and he’ll probably always be one and you could tie yourself in knots for him and he will still find something about you that’s not quite ‘right’ or ‘good enough’ - because that’s how he justifies his cheating to himself. I pray you have family or friends IRL who can help you to know you’re worth a million times better than this absolute wanker! Hugs and blessings to you sweetie x

His behavior towards you is totally out of order. Bit, I do have to disagree with @pikkumyy77 - It is not highly unusual or suspicious for a dad to want to take kids swimming. My kids' dad has taken them swimming every week since they were babies, and looking around my local pools, lots of dad's take kids swimming alone. Yes he's a twat but that doesn't equal nefarious intentions towards his daughter.

The update paints a more sinister image. I would be looking to break up with him. Sorry op.

This is abusive. He doesn't see you as a fully sentient equal partner, but as a show pony. His own hang-ups about his own appearance are his own business. You are not an extension of him. I would be reading him the riot act and if it didn't immediately cease he would be gone. This is not what your daughter should be viewing as a healthy relationship.

This makes very sad reading. You need to work out why you stayed with this man after the abhorrent way he treated you early on in your relationship. The BBQ incident would have been it for some women.
This uneasiness and lack of confidence you have will never go away while you are with him. Living on your nerves is not good for your body. Please want more for yourself and your dd.

You don't want your daughter to hear him taking to you like this OP, or you changing what you are doing because of him being critical of you. She will get enough of that nonsense elsewhere in the world. Don't let him start on her and judging her either.

Aside from that he sounds like a dick. Don't let him grind you down and become someone you aren't. Your partner is meant to make you feel better about the world and your ability to cope with life. Not make you feel shit about yourself.

My DH also takes our child swimming regularly, bit depressing to hear PPs suggest it's odd to do so.

Most decent partners wouldn't dream of asking the mother of their children why they hadn't done their hair. Aside from the fact that if it's in a bun, you've actually done something with it.

Even some of the slightly worse ones wouldn't care what you looked like to watch your child swim.

He's about image only, and you don't fit what he wants. You need to think about what you want and whether he fits it.

Bloody hell, WHY are you with a twat like that?

I bet he's not even that attractive, just clean and dresses well ish.

You shouldn't ever have to change yourself for anyone.

You are also not modelling good self-esteem or personal boundaries to your daughter around this issue.

It's also his issue that he's made yours. I'm sure you looked perfectly acceptable.

You sound very forgiving and overly generous. I wouldn't have forgiven him seeing multiple women at the start of your relationship.

How can you be sure he's stopped this? Why did he suddenly choose to be faithful? It sound like there's many issues at play here.

How long have you been together?