To be annoyed about him commenting on the way i look?

[ForRubyMentor]

Hi all, so my boyfriend asks if we wanna go swimming this afternoon, he checks the timetable and says 'we have to be there in just under an hour'. OK great. I find the swimming costumes, armbands etc (we've just moved so was a bit of a rummage), get DD ready and get myself ready. Book a taxi, I'm about to put my shoes on and boyfriend says 'i don't understand why you'll get dressed up nice sometimes but you're happy to just throw anything on to go and sit in public' (I wasn't going to swim, just spectate and have a nice hot chocolate). I had clean, normal casual clothes on (red trousers and a black top). Hair was in a bun and no make up but I felt I looked absolutely fine. I said this to him and he said 'well why haven't you done your hair'. I ended up not going because the taxi arrived during this conversation and I now felt super self conscious so boyfriend has taken DD on her own.

I'm sat at home annoyed. This isn't the first time he's done this. He once ( at the start of our relationship asked me to go home instead of attending a bbq because 'you don't have any nice dresses or make up here' I'm pissed off tbh. I was looking forward to getting out of the house and just enjoying some time out. We have recently moved to his area and the swimming pool is at the gym he attends daily, I have text him and asked if he wanted me to look a certain way because people he knows will see us together and he said I'm overthinking it.

AIBU to be annoyed? I feel like I should have gone anyway but the atmosphere would have been sour because his comments really annoyed me. He takes alot of pride in how he looks and would be unhappy if I made similar comments to him just before leaving the house.

Grim 🤢

Seriously why are you with him? Is this what you want for your dd?

He doesn't love you.

I never think it's helpful to tell an op her partner doesn't love her.

Because he will invariably be telling her he does. And he's the one she's in a relationship with, close to, invested in, has a kid by etc etc. So inevitably she'll be like 'but he says he does, that stranger doesn't know us, she doesn't know him" etc.

Better to say that we don't know if he (thinks he) loves her or not, but what we do know is that his "love" ain't worth having. He doesn't treat his partner, whether he loves them or not, decently.

He cheats, he makes them feel bad about their looks and presentation, he uses their looks & presentation to manipulate them into staying at home/staying away when it suits him (probably because he doesn't want to appear coupled up).
He would rather leave them at home on their own, missing out ...and have his child miss out on their Mum being there to watch them doing an activity...than be seen with his partner; when it doesn't suit him to be seen with a partner.

Some people's "love" is not worth having.

Some people are too selfish and low integrity to ever be truly capable of love, even if they say they love someone.

I think that's what we should focus on.

You say the remark about the barbecue was at the beginning of the relationship - I'd have dumped him at that point as he's obviously incredibly shallow

I'm sorry to hear this. If you were my daughter, I'd be very concerned and want to know if his controlling nature goes further. Do you have your own finances? Do you do things on your own, without his permission or judgment or undermining comments? Or is it always like this or getting worse? Think about if this is how you want to live and if this is how you want your daughter to see you being treated and criticised by him, day to day, its not healthy way to live and you know that because you're on here asking about it. You're being worn down, bit by bit. Take a deep breath and start making some good choices.

You are too good for your boyfriend. And the cynic in me is wondering why he wanted to discourage you from going…because it kinda (very much) sounds like this is what he did.

Get rid. Can’t stress this enough. Please say you’re not leaving your daughter alone with this pig.

You got yourself a cheat and a misogynist there, OP. Show your daughter what tough, wonderful, beautiful women like you do when a man puts them down and tells them they're not good enough.

Dump his sorry ass.

Salient above for all women: never embark on a relationship with a man who's vainer than you. I've never known a vain man who wasn't an odious, obnoxious arsehole.

I had an uncle like this. He had an extremely pretty and well groomed girlfriend, and she came round for them to go out, and he said 'Are you going to wash your hair?' She dumped him on the spot and he never married or dated.

So did he run around getting things ready or was he too busy with his hair? He wants a dolly for his arm get rid

And the cynic in me is wondering why he wanted to discourage you from going…because it kinda (very much) sounds like this is what he did

Absolutely.

It was "you're not dressed up enough" - to go to a fucking gym/pool 🙄

Then - when op pointed out there was nothing bad about her clothes, they were presentable - it was 'your hair's not done".

Again , whose hair needs to be "done" to go & watch a kid swimming in the spectator section of a gym pool?!

It was excuses, excuses, excuses.

Same as the BBQ - again they are pretty casual events; who would not take their gf to a BBQ because she didn't have a fancy dress etc to wear? Absolute bollocks.

He didn't want you at that BBQ for some reason and he didn't want you at that gym today for some reason.

Personally I'd guess that reason is related to the fact that he's a cheater.

(A cheater who gas lit you that you weren't official so it wasn't really cheating - that's why he told you clearly you two weren't official or exclusive & you were free to go out with & shag other guys too, right?! Oh he didn't? What a surprise).

He focuses on and criticises your looks/presentation because he knows that works. He knows he can make you feel inadequate and inferior.
He knows you'll bow down to that, instead of telling him to fuck off.
He knows there are no bad consequences for him from him doing that to you; you kept seeing him and shagging him after the BBQ thing, you'll be there when he comes back after this pool thing today, maybe a little but pissed off but nonetheless, he'll still get his dinner, get sex when he wants it, have a faithful partner at home etc. etc

It's a tactic that works for him to keep you down and to get rid of you when he wants to. He suffers no consequences for it, so why would he stop?

Also whar your daughter saw today is not something any young girl should be growing up seeing.
Watching her Daddy shame her Mum about her looks & presentation (totally normal & acceptable presentation) and repressing her, and leaving her at home, excluding her from what should have been a family outing ..... Probably cause he - at best - wants to appear single at his gym.

From a man with a history of cheating, as I said, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Dump this scrote

I'd have dumped him at that point as he's obviously incredibly shallow

Or not wanting op at the BBQ was something to do with the fact that op caught him shagging loads multiple other women in the early stages of their relationship.

He likes to make the op feel like she's not good enough - in general (cause it keeps her under his heel) - and particularly when it suits him to get her out of sight.

He is an absolute cunt. Who exactly does he think he is?!

Your only reply should have been - what the f is wrong with you

He will destroy you OP, leave while you can

Wow...I mean, he told you who he was at the beginning of the relationship....what a prick. You are NOT being unreasonable, who the f**k does he think he is?!

Sorry for quoting 😬

before we were 'officially' together he slept with multiple women whilst telling me he loved me,

and you had a child with this lowlife?

This, all of this

Oh God he sounds gross, honestly you can do so so much better.....

That's what i thought.
How old is your daughter. How long have you been with this guy?

Do it. Comment on the way he looks (as long as you don’t fear any physical danger from it). What do you want to teach your DD? That a man doesn’t like the way you dress, so you stay confined to your home while he fannies around in public doing whatever he wants, having broken your spirit?

I can't actually believe this is real. So how long where you officially with him before you got pregnant? He was sleeping with multiple women, what age is your daughter? I don't actually believe you would stay with a man who slept around and talks to you like that.

Did he expect you to have full makeup on during labor and delivery?

You should have concerns about your DD's relationship with her dad if he is someone that believes that women don't get to just 'be' in the same way as men do. She will be getting the message that women are to be looked at by men, rather than having their own agency.