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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed about him commenting on the way i look?

147 replies

ForRubyMentor · 25/07/2024 15:26

Hi all, so my boyfriend asks if we wanna go swimming this afternoon, he checks the timetable and says 'we have to be there in just under an hour'. OK great. I find the swimming costumes, armbands etc (we've just moved so was a bit of a rummage), get DD ready and get myself ready. Book a taxi, I'm about to put my shoes on and boyfriend says 'i don't understand why you'll get dressed up nice sometimes but you're happy to just throw anything on to go and sit in public' (I wasn't going to swim, just spectate and have a nice hot chocolate). I had clean, normal casual clothes on (red trousers and a black top). Hair was in a bun and no make up but I felt I looked absolutely fine. I said this to him and he said 'well why haven't you done your hair'. I ended up not going because the taxi arrived during this conversation and I now felt super self conscious so boyfriend has taken DD on her own.

I'm sat at home annoyed. This isn't the first time he's done this. He once ( at the start of our relationship asked me to go home instead of attending a bbq because 'you don't have any nice dresses or make up here' I'm pissed off tbh. I was looking forward to getting out of the house and just enjoying some time out. We have recently moved to his area and the swimming pool is at the gym he attends daily, I have text him and asked if he wanted me to look a certain way because people he knows will see us together and he said I'm overthinking it.

AIBU to be annoyed? I feel like I should have gone anyway but the atmosphere would have been sour because his comments really annoyed me. He takes alot of pride in how he looks and would be unhappy if I made similar comments to him just before leaving the house.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 25/07/2024 22:51

NetflixAndKill · 25/07/2024 15:36

Off track but is your DD, his DD also? Just want to set aside him purposely upsetting you so he gets to go alone. Don't mean to offend.

I thought this

WigglyVonWaggly · 25/07/2024 22:53

I have a horrible feeling that this man is already chipping away at your self confidence (mole removal, fillers) and will destroy it if you stay with him. You were happy with yourself. Now you’re changing because he’s making you perceive flaws. He’s making you feel a bit shit. Get rid of him.

I dated a guy and a female friend of his got drunk and told me he’d split with his ex because he kept hurting her by commenting on her weight etc. I knew I’d be next, maybe not weight but hair, clothes…

Ginlfixit · 25/07/2024 22:56

NetflixAndKill · 25/07/2024 15:36

Off track but is your DD, his DD also? Just want to set aside him purposely upsetting you so he gets to go alone. Don't mean to offend.

Oh here we go. Connotations of child abuse yet again…

BuggeryBumFlaps · 25/07/2024 23:11

Next time he says something like that reply with 'says Brad Pitt over there' smile and get in the cab. He's fucking rude

Buttercupsandpoppys · 25/07/2024 23:16

@pikkumyy77 what the hell?

My DP takes our DD swimming on his own every Saturday morning and has done since she was 1.

How on earth is that 'very unusual'?! The very rare time I also go there are quite a men on their own with a baby or kid.

That's actually a really normal everyday activity. There's really nothing extraordinary about it?

ilovepixie · 25/07/2024 23:38

Red red flag. Why did he want to go swimming alone with your daughter?

pikkumyy77 · 25/07/2024 23:56

Yeah my dh too! Lots of great husbands, partners, and fathers take their kids out ti swin. Is this man a sterling example of loving, mature, partner? No.

Buttercupsandpoppys · 26/07/2024 00:28

pikkumyy77 · 25/07/2024 23:56

Yeah my dh too! Lots of great husbands, partners, and fathers take their kids out ti swin. Is this man a sterling example of loving, mature, partner? No.

But you posted saying it was very unusual for a man to take his dc swimming alone?!

AbraAbraCadabra · 26/07/2024 01:07

Who the fuck "does their hair" to go and spectate at the local swimming pool!! What a nob.

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 11:52

Ginlfixit · 25/07/2024 22:56

Oh here we go. Connotations of child abuse yet again…

Isn’t it better to be safe rather than sorry? Would you let your child go swimming with a man that wasn’t her father?

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2024 12:40

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 11:52

Isn’t it better to be safe rather than sorry? Would you let your child go swimming with a man that wasn’t her father?

He IS her father though.
Op replied saying that.

Nobodywouldknow · 26/07/2024 12:42

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 11:52

Isn’t it better to be safe rather than sorry? Would you let your child go swimming with a man that wasn’t her father?

Err yeah, her uncle, her granddad, her older brother, even gasp her stepdad. This is in the real world though so you might not be familiar with that.

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 12:50

Nobodywouldknow · 26/07/2024 12:42

Err yeah, her uncle, her granddad, her older brother, even gasp her stepdad. This is in the real world though so you might not be familiar with that.

Ok, let me simplify it for you. A man that is your romantic partner but not the child’s father. Would you??

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 12:51

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2024 12:40

He IS her father though.
Op replied saying that.

@Pinkbonbon yep, I’m well aware of that now, thank you

Nobodywouldknow · 26/07/2024 12:54

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 12:50

Ok, let me simplify it for you. A man that is your romantic partner but not the child’s father. Would you??

Yes if it was a long established relationship and she knew him well. Why on earth not? You do realise all the males I listed could and do abuse children? Not sure why me being in a relationship with someone would make it more likely that he’s a paedophile but okay.

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 13:01

Nobodywouldknow · 26/07/2024 12:54

Yes if it was a long established relationship and she knew him well. Why on earth not? You do realise all the males I listed could and do abuse children? Not sure why me being in a relationship with someone would make it more likely that he’s a paedophile but okay.

It’s a known fact that single women with children can attract predators. They’re sought out for this reason. A child is more likely to be abused by a stepfather as opposed to a genetic father.

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2024 13:03

I think we're going a bit off topic guys.

I don't think there's anything more at play than a standard abuser trying to suck the joy out of her life and knock her confidence.

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 13:04

Pinkbonbon · 26/07/2024 13:03

I think we're going a bit off topic guys.

I don't think there's anything more at play than a standard abuser trying to suck the joy out of her life and knock her confidence.

I agree. OP agreed he was the biological father so it should have been left there.

Nobodywouldknow · 26/07/2024 13:16

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 13:01

It’s a known fact that single women with children can attract predators. They’re sought out for this reason. A child is more likely to be abused by a stepfather as opposed to a genetic father.

They’re also more likely to be abused by an older brother than a father so maybe women with one child shouldn’t have another one in case the older one abuses it.

NetflixAndKill · 26/07/2024 13:21

Nobodywouldknow · 26/07/2024 13:16

They’re also more likely to be abused by an older brother than a father so maybe women with one child shouldn’t have another one in case the older one abuses it.

🤦🏽‍♀️

BeachRide · 26/07/2024 13:28

Oh, OP. How sad for you, and for your daughter's future when she feels her only worth is how attractive she is to men. Please, please get some counselling to work this out before she gets older.

I just had two teeth out, my hair is thinning madly, and I have a tonne of loose skin due to weight loss. My husband still worships the ground I walk on.

Aim higher, please. It doesn't have to be this way.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/07/2024 15:40

OP. He's a complete pillock and massively insecure. You can't change him and you shouldn't change yourself for him. He is terrified of people judging him and so all his accessories (including you) have to be perfect. That's probably why he was cheating with as many women who would have him, because he believes it would impress his mates.

Your post really reminded me of someone I dated for a while pre-20s, He was also overly concerned about appearances, had to look "cool" for his hordes of imaginary interested onlookers no matter what. (No Instagram then, thank God). I'm sure there's an ugly picture of him in an attic somewhere.

He made everything miserable. He once greeted me, in a kindly, patronising "Oh Well Done" sort of tone,
"You see, you can look amazing - when you make the effort."

The crunch came when I wore glasses at the Cinema (which I only needed for films and driving so he hadn't realised I wore them. He went mad at me until I took them off. In the dark of a cinema, he was terrified that someone would see him sitting next to a woman wearing glasses!

Reader. I dumped him.

OP... don't waste your time with people who make you feel like shit or you will find yourself anxiously worrying all the time, because he's made you feel like you are not good enough. It simply is not worth it.

What do your friends/family think about him? Have you met each other's friends/family yet?

ForRubyMentor · 29/07/2024 21:23

Sorry I haven't replied. So he came home , DD went to bed and I tried talking to him about it. As I was saying along the lines off 'I feel it was really disrespectful and you commenting on my appearance like that really affects my self esteem etc' he kept trying to initiate sex. I was literally crying saying 'how can I look good enough to have sex with but not to go to the swimming pool with' and he just kept saying I looked great and trying to kiss my neck.

It's actually beyond a joke at this point. Time to make an exit plan.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 29/07/2024 21:28

Oh no. This is hardly someone who is kind and supportive and helps you be awesome. Sounds very insensitive and shallow.

WigglyVonWaggly · 29/07/2024 23:15

That is truly grim. Not even apologising, but just thinking about his own needs. Get rid of him, OP.