C Section is 'not a real birth'

[concretevase]

Please read the post before commenting.

Birth of my daughter was a traumatic emergency C Section, after six days of an induction.

I'm about to have a baby and because of GDM am being pressured into a planned C Section or induction.

I hate hate hate the idea of going through all that again. I hate the idea of recovering from another C Section now with a toddler and a newborn and not much paternity leave for my husband.

To make matters worse I have convinced myself that if I don't push a baby out I am missing out on something about womanhood.

Has anyone experienced the same thoughts? If so how did you rationalise them?

Your baby left your body, that means you gave birth regardless of whether you pushed them out or had to take the arguably more painful and traumatic route of a C section. You gave birth regardless of how they left your body.

Please don't do this to yourself, of course it's a real birth and delivery! As others have told you here as well: it's a real birth and a real delivery, just maybe not the one you had in mind, but I think that is true for a lot of women.
The only thing that counts is the health of mother and baby.
That doesn't mean your feelings about it are invalid though.

I had an emergency C section too, which also left me feeling as if I hadn't experienced a 'real' birth, even though it happened after trying for as long as possible to even push baby out myself, so I guess I did experience almost all of a 'natural' birth.
So I think I do understand what you are saying.

My gynaecologist had a psychologist see me in hospital on the 2nd day after the birth, because he said he was afraid I was heading for a PND because of the emergency C section. I was crying because I felt like an incompetent woman who couldn't do what my body was supposed to be able to do and of course this wasn't at all how I had imagined it to go. (also didn't help that SIL and MIL both told me I had somehow taken the easy way out and I hadn't had a real delivery...

I denied that I needed any help at the time but really, in hindsight, he was right. It definitely took me longer than necessary to come to terms with my feelings without it. Please look into support if you can before and after the birth if you think it may help.

I hope you have a safe birth, in whatever way it happens and that you enjoy your baby!

My first baby was an emergency c section after 4 days of induced labour (in a heatwave!). I struggled to get my head round many aspects of it for a long time so I totally understand.

My second, I had moved and they tried to force me to have a natural birth. I really had to dig my heels in. It was 100% the right decision (and advised by the team from my first). I vividly remember both of their first nights. Chalk and cheese, same as the actual c sections - so so different. I remember just lying there, baby gazing and thinking “so THIS is what it’s meant to be like…”
I found my planned c section really healing, cheesy as that sounds, and helped me get my head around the first even more! Was sat cross legged on the bed within 24 hours and off painkillers within 5 days - a far cry from the first!

I said at the time I would do it again in a heartbeat - and in time, we did. Not totally as smooth as the one before but still a totally different experience to the first.

Do I wish it had all been different? Yes, I wish it had been smooth sailing and no need for all the intervention - that my body had SOME clue what it was meant to be doing! But I don’t mind that I had a c section. If it hadn’t been that it would have been a pretty horrendous birth and I’m sure the c/s avoided a lot of other issues. I’m ok with it. I’m glad others can hypno birth their baby out within 7 minutes at home, but the reality is that wasn’t the case for me and what was done was right - if they hadn’t, I don’t think it’s a given either of us would be here.

Go for what you want. Have a plan b. If that means trying natural but move to c section when x happens or so many hours etc do that. If it means a planned section but if you go in to Labour first you plan to try under certain limitations go for that. Keep relaxed. A healthy baby is everything, along with a healthy mum. A good friend had her baby born sleeping 2 months ago. Everything pales in to insignificance next to what she is going through.

good luck - it’s going to be ok xx

My first birth was vaginal and the second was planned C section. I never once thought that I’m missing out on a part of womanhood or whatever nonsense it says in your OP. The only thing that matters is you bringing a healthy baby into the world. Try and focus on that

Think about how you'd respond and feel if a friend or relative was expressing thoughts like these to you. You'd never think of your closest friend as less of a woman in these circumstances would you? Please be kinder to yourself. You're growing another baby right now, you're raising your eldest. All that matters is that they are with you, and safe.

I wish I'd have had a c section.Labour traumatised me and only had one dc because of it.

I was in same boat, emergency for 1st birth & all very traumatic DH thought he'd lost us both. Not given an option about next birth, trust me an elective section is a totally different experience & you will just be happy that you have a healthy baby. If anyone else makes you feel a failure for not being able to push out a baby then tell them to give their heads a wobble. Talk to your midwife about how you're feeling.
Healthy baby & mum is all that matters.

I read this quite a lot on here, that some people say having a C-section is not a 'real birth.' In real life I have NEVER heard anyone say this. I had 2 - one emergency section, and one elective (was recommended to me after the first difficult birth,) and no-one has said to me in over 25 years 'you didn't give birth properly!'

Does anyone actually think this? Or say it?

@concretevase Don't be silly. If you grow a baby inside you, and it comes out of you, of course it's a birth FGS.

I was in my late 30s when I had my children, so perhaps it is just age thing, but I don't know anyone who didn't have a horribly traumatic birth or c-section. I don't know anyone who had a good experience whichever way the baby came out!

@BouquetGarni224 the non emergency sections undoubtedly save lives because most of them will still be necessary for the health of mum and baby. Eg if you have a breech baby the section will be planned but still needed.

There’s a whole other hierarchy where some people hate on mothers who have a planned section and not an emergency one.

I can understand disappointment over not having a vaginal birth. But not everyone is lucky enough to do it. All that really matters is there’s a healthy baby and mother at the end.

We all have an idea of how we want our birth to go. It very rarely goes according to plan. Among my friend circle I know someone who birthed vaginally at home with only her husband present, several who had midwife assisted vaginal births both at home and in hospital, a few who had emergency sections and others who chose to have sections for a variety of reasons. We are all mothers and all have valid (if different) experiences of womanhood.

Your feelings are important and you have every right to feel upset if things aren’t the way you imagined or wanted them to be. But please don’t allow yourself to believe that having a c section makes you any less a woman or any less a mother. It doesn’t.

I have had three sections - one emergency and two elective.

I really grieved my idea of ‘birth’ first time round, but when I wrapped my head around that neither the baby, nor I, would have made it without a c section it shifted my perspective.

My two subsequent elective c sections were beautiful - immediate skin to skin, delayed cord clamping and my babies first feeds were when I was still in theatre.

My own father told me that csections were the ‘easy way out’ and had to backtrack fast when I had to have one. There are people that push this narrative and it’s ridiculous. It’s still major surgery.

The only thing that is true is that yes you won’t experience a vaginal birth so will have to come to terms with that. But a huge % of births don’t end up being ‘natural’ anyway. Since having my DS by induction then section it’s hugely opened my eyes just how few women actually get the ‘natural’ labour experience. Inductions and csections are so much more common than NCT leaders will have you realise. I wish they were more realistic with women from the start. My midwife met me choose my ‘birth preferences’ (water birth, only gas and air etc) like I was choosing toys from a catalogue and I wish she had been more upfront that I might not get these and discussed what would happen if I didn’t.

Yes OP I have experienced the same thoughts. I did after I had an emergency C section with DD1 (not helped by the doctor describing me as "failed vaginal birth, failed ventouse, failed forceps" - how many times could he have said "failed"? And of course it was a he!)

I ended up having another emergency section with DD2 and wished with all my heart that I had taken the elective section.

I also realise now how ridiculous those thoughts are when I look at my lovely (now adult) kids.

I hope you get the birth you want @concretevase and that you make peace with it because how matter they come out, they are incredible and so are you!

I would much rather have c section every time if it was necessary to save the baby/me. I ended up in EMCS and I just took it as it was what was needed and that's it.

I'd like to add that these expectations we put on ourselves are, I believe, largely part of the conditioning of the patriarchy.

You can bet your bottom dollar that if men gave birth there'd be none of this failure feeling nonsense!

OP my sister felt sinilarly. She couldn't understand why her body "couldn't do what it was supposed to do" anf felt that she wasn't strong enough. None of that is true of course and one thing that actually really helped her realise this is that the nurse took pictures while her youngest was lifted out of her. They're obviously graphic but they're also beautiful and a reminder of her strength. I tear up of pride when I think of them and what she went through to bring her children into the world. It might not be for you but they helped her realise that it's not "the easy way out" and she is just as strong and fierce as if she'd had a vaginal birth.

The recovery sounds rough and I understand why the prospect of it is hard, but if its what's safest for you then that might help.

I can understand feeling that way with your first child (to some extent) as it's all about the birth and I don't think people necessarily think that hard about what comes afterwards.

But I would have thought that if you already have a child, you'd know that all that matters is that you and baby come through the process unscathed.

There are only two ways for a baby to come out and neither are massively attractive. A zip would be good, or to be a marsupial and the baby pops out and grows on the outside for a while! Given the unattractiveness of either option, it doesn't really matter which you end up with.

I had a planned elective c-section, if I’m lucky enough to have another I would do it again.

@PennyPugwash I’m giggling a bit at your comment that you were hoovering as if it’s a goal. I don’t think I was in a rush to hoover no matter what birth experience!

As for your body not doing what it's supposed to - I didn't have a c-section but my "normal" birth was very assisted.

So what?

@arecklessmanor giggle away. I was just so happy to feel normal.
That's the real goal ✨

Iv had 2 natural births where I tore and was sore for weeks and a planned section because my blood pressure was very high and even hospital bed rest wouldn't bring it down. It was the first week of December, my baby wasn't due until 19th December and I was told I'd have to stay in hospital until I had my baby. They offered me a C section and I agreed because I didn't want to spend almost 2 weeks in hospital in December when I had 2 little ones at home. It was bloody fantastic. It was all over in a couple of minutes. I healed really well. I couldn't believe it was so easy. I wished I'd had a C section for all the births and avoided the tares. I was still able to breastfeed. Birth is about having a baby.

If you really have nothing better to worry about than this it’s fine - but don’t post such nonsense on this forum.

Many women here are struggling to have babies at all or who have had c-sections and your nonsense is not appreciated in the slightest.

💯