To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

Neurodiversity tends to be genetic.

Being intelligent and high achieving are not necessarily the same thing.

OP's child is 6. Its perfectly normal to develop at different rates. Just because the DH moved up at age 7, doesn't mean that the child isn't bright or is neurodiverse. There's schooling and parenting to consider.

Two high achieving parent huh? So how does that impact on parental involvement? Did the DH have a stay at home mother by any chance? Does the OP's child have a stay at home parent? That may have an impact at this age, but this may change as they get older if they are naturally bright.

Whats sad, is the kid is being written off by their own parent, age six.

Age six.

But the original post Gosling replied to didn’t say that it was linked to any delay, behavioural issue or social faux pas.
They were answering on the basis that this child is an average achiever 🤨 lol

Yes I totally second this. DH and I were overachievers at school and we're not particularly high achievers now. Decent job and salary, but in a very forgettable, average way.

Academic success is just that, academic success. Absolutely no predictor of how successful they will be in life.

Lots of people don't really excel at anything....and that's ok. Middle of the road, 'grand' as we'd say in Ireland is just fine. I find it a bit cringey and sort of condescending when people cast around desperately trying to find one minor thing that someone might be good at. Most of my friends children are far more accomplished than mine, it is what it is.

Honestly - surely it’s more important that they are happy?

I am a very high achiever. Surgeon, absolutely few through school (I mean grades were top nationally not just my school at a level, medical degree with honours plus did an extra bachelors degree). My parents pushed me, average was never good enough.

went through some life events in my early 30s and made me realise that it’s all meaningless. I’m not that happy, and I wasn’t particularly a nice person due to the beliefs I’d had instilled in me (basically achieving was the most important/ sharp elbows and judgement of others). I’ve had loads of work to do on myself, and I honestly now don’t really even want my children to be academic. My dream is if they can find a job that makes them happy.

6! what the hell are you expecting at 6?

My story echoes others on here - considered a very high achiever in special classes as a child, then high school it went downhill. I found out as an adult I’ve got ADHD and I feel like I’ve failed at life.

Achieving in school is not the be all and end all.

Not at all.. one of our children is a bit above average, one needs extra support with lessons and one is extremely intelligent.
It's like how some children have a natural talent with sports or art whilst others have to try really hard and still aren't as good. Reading and maths are the same, it just depends on how their brains work as to how easy or hard they find it.

Did I really just read that? You are disappointed in a SIX year old because they are below average? Your poor kid.

Your DH is the exception, not the norm, if he went up a year at school. Why would you expect your DS to be the same as your DH?

You need to allow your son to be who he is, not what you want him to be. If he needs help with anything as he gets older, then you can get tutors. But only to make him the best that he can be, not to make him an A star student when he isn't one.

I am an Accountant and was top set for everything at school.

DD is hoping to scrape enough GCSE's to get onto her Acting course at College.

DD is also Dyslexic and has Dyspraxia and struggled with school and is not at all Academic. Am I disappointed in her? Absolutely not.

We are all different people.

Reversion to the mean?

I was also 'high achieving' as a 6 yr old - fluent reader before I started school, powered my way through books for much older children constantly -

Did appallingly in my GCSEs then very averagely at A level - really was not in the slightest an indicator of academic success later.

Your feelings are what they are but your expectations are rather silly - rather uneducated. Read a bit about genetics.

Intelligence is a complex thing. You and your DH have many genes so potential genetic combinations you can pass on. If you want to see more expressions of the range of possible combinations you can create, you'd need to have more children.

I understand you find yourselves bringing up someone different from yourselves, which requires you to adapt your thinking about what is normal and desirable for children. That's normal though, personalities vary.

How did you obtain this information? A school report, their teacher telling you, from your own observation, from comparison to others? Your child has just finished year 1. They've done the phonics screening test. Doing well in that isn't an indication of future high achievement IMO. If phonics hasn't 'clicked' for a child then they won't do well, in the same way sticking a child on a 2 wheel bike before they are ready doesn't rule them out of the Tour de France.

What even is 'just below average at sport' at age 6? I suppose sporting excellent was apparent at age 6 for some of our top athletes, but there are also many (most?) who didn't even take up the sport they excel in until secondary school.

It's quite unusual for children to be moved up a class these days I think.

In answer to your question, I have seen every combination possible of high/low achievement among the children of high achieving parents.

You can tell nothing at six. My eldest was behind until I got involved in year 3 (Covid times) and now three years in he is in the top tier of his year group. My advice is get involved by prioritising education at home. Spend lots of time with your child and encourage a curious mind to the world. Don’t leave it up to the school.

I have a similar situation to share though I would not express it in quite the same way. My ds9 is not doing as well academically as his peers. At the beginning of year 3 he did some tests and performed below average (in some cases way below). Everyone who meets him says how sensible he is, how kind and caring he is and how he has a strong moral compass. He talks about world issues in a very grown up way. His teachers say he is very popular and everyone likes playing with him. But yes, he’s not a strong academic performer. My mission in life is to explore what he enjoys and to encourage him in these pursuits. I have encouraged him academically as well, spending time trying to understand how he learns, and working with him. He is now doing much better academically and his teacher this year has been super impressed with his progress. My advice is always to be your childs number one advocate. Never let them see you’re disappointed and fight for them.

6 year olds are now measured against standards far higher than you would have been at the same age. It’s impossible to compare.

This is a common misconception. There is always overall a drift towards the mean i.e. the child being average.

i breezed through school and am not a high achiever. I think its attitude as much as anything.

6 is too young to be anything other than 6.

6 is for swings and trampolines, 6 is for drawing pictures that look like a series of angry ants being crushed into a page but are in fact Spiderman and Batman, 6 is for being friends with everyone in your class apart from the one kid you fall out with all the time, 6 is for wanting to eat pasta for tea every day, 6 is for getting obsessed with the hit of the summer and driving your entire family insane by singing it constantly, 6 is for massive hugs, 6 is for constantly telling hilarious jokes that no one gets, 6 is for wanting a puppy please please please because they will totally look after it (they won't), or a kitten, or a hamster, 6 is for Lego and Minecraft and Hot Wheels and Mario, 6 is for your clothes being slightly less filthy than when they were 5, 6 is for thinking you are indestructible.

No 6 year old is average. 6 is brilliant. He will never be 6 again. Enjoy it.

You need to rethink how you think of your child. I am ND and was not academic or sporty. One of my primary school teachers wrote me off when I was 9 and told my parents not to expect me to pass any exams. My parents thankfully didn’t write me off and instead moved me to a different school. I passed all my exams, I am now trying for a university degree and I have a Mensa level IQ just like my dad. It out I just find learning another way easier. It may be the same for your son.

What are they good at OP? Do they play nicely with others? Are they kind? Are they good at Lego? Hama beads? Drawing? Skimming rocks? Love nature?

Focus on their strong points. There is so much more to life than academics. Enjoy their interests with them and give loads of praise.

My son was below average up until he had his CAT tests in year 7 when it was established he is exceptional. Now he is in top set for anything he puts his mind to. This post is premature, children develop differently and some exceptional children struggle with junior school because it doesn’t test them enough, think doctors having poor handwriting as an example of this.

You're getting quite a bashing here OP, but I do understand where you're coming from. Our expectations about school are based on our own experience of it. If you were super popular at school, you'd probably view school as a great place and find it more difficult to help your child navigate things if they have difficultly fitting in. Similarly, if you were always top of the class / winning the prizes, that's the path through school that you recognise and "expect". So I think it's a totally natural human reaction to be a bit pulled up by that. What obviously wouldn't be OK is to let your child be in any way aware of that, so important to be vigilant about the way you respond.

Something else to consider - if you were always top of the class, how much is your own self esteem tied up in that? Do you need to do some work to try to separate A* performance from worth? This is a massive issue for me, so I sympathise. I am a perfectionist and have to put a lot of effort in to hopefully avoid it rubbing off on my kids.

Not in literacy clearly.

Poor kid. 6 years old, for fuck sake, and you are already disappointed with them.