To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

Haven't read all responses but I get why you may feel this way if that's the way you were brought up. High attainment can be genetic though it can skip generations. My dad was insanely clever while my mum was average and I took after her and had to work really hard to get decent grades. 6 is very young and yes, we can gauge some level of 'natural ability' at that age but so much can change. You seem to expect a lot at a young age. Is the social circle you're in highly pressured too? I met a lady recently who said her son who is in private school was tested at 3 years old to get in, and tutoring started at 6. Ridiculous IMO. The pressure to be a high achiever in some circles is insane and I know very academic kids even in early teens who can't socialise at all so don't know how they would ever be a boss or in a high management role as their parents expect them to be.

We've done 30min reading with him each day since he was 4 and 1 hour of homework. I give him extra homework to do, not just what the school give. We have raised him to still learn throughout school holidays as 1 hour per day isn't alot. (During lockdown he got 5 hours of teaching my myself and husband)
He's 9 now, he's academically where he should be tho is presently 3 years ahead on maths and 1 year ahead in literacy. He's also GCSE level for Geography but that's mainly because my degree is in Earth Science and I've taught him well.
We spend alot of time on educational trips and holidays but he does have fun too. He likes skiing, swimming, playing roblox etc and he goes to fun places all the tike like disneyland etc. We are just very lucky that he really enjoys learning and maths his his favourite thing to do.

Thank you @CassieMaddox you have just described my child. She is 7.5 hasn't coped in school and long story short has now been supported within her learning style not pushed to 'fit' another for the last 2 months. Has gained half a year (ok from between 1.5 and 2.5 years behind). I suspect no child is 'stupid' but I do think many are not taught or supported in a way that fits their learning.

Without that in place how does anyone learn well after all. It's taught me a valuable lesson or several and I am sure more to come.

I suspect Op husband was fortunate his learning style matched his school. His gender fitted that which the teacher expected to succeed and was selected as a pupil who would succeed. Conscious and unconscious bias has been evident in our experience with two schools.

Very early days academically IMO.
Invest time with them with reading and math.
Instil very good habits like doing homework well and taking pride in their work.
These are the skills that elevate children in secondary school.
We have very average children that have done extremely well from the above.
A good work ethic is worth its weight.

Mumsnet is full of posts from adult women who are still craving the approval of their parents. My heart goes out to this poor child, she will know she's 'not good enough' in her parents eyes from the 'well done you did your best', or 'you did very well darling' type comment.

yabu. DH and I are average intelligence wise but neither of us did well at school, very much “under achievers” 😂. Not been to university. We have a very successful business, own our house outright and another house outright and have done since our early 30’s. Being a “high achiever” won’t necessarily give you a better life or make you richer! Long term I teach my very under achieving children to be kind, work hard and always try to do their best.

You don’t say if your child is a boy or girl?
in general boys tend to be slower on reading and motor skills initially but usually have caught up by the age of 7 or 8.
try not to worry,it usually works itself out.Pushing children beyond what they are currently capable off can put them learning for good.A bit more time to master these skills can work wonders.

Slightly off topic but do you think this is a new thing or has always been the case?

I was an academic high achiever throughout school and university and my (single) mum did absolutely nothing extra with me. I loved reading and read loads for pleasure (by myself), and then was very self-motivated when it came to revising for exams at secondary. I went to grammar school, got top exam results and then a double first from Cambridge. DH has an almost identical story.

DS (just finished year 1) is doing really well at school and other than reading daily we do nothing extra with him. I had assumed that (as was the case for DH and me) his natural ability plus school was enough…do we really need to be doing lots of extra work with him? This is all completely news to me. I thought parents only did extra work if their kids were behind or if they wanted them to get into a selective school (which we don’t).

@harrietm87 not quite same but my job gives me insight into world of affluent Americans. Nothing is left to chance & academic & social intervention starts early.

@User14March what is social intervention?!

It depends on the kind of education you want your child to have. If your child is naturally academic, they might well do well at school without any parental involvement. At least at Primary level, they will only be assessed in English and Maths and will be taught at school, although you can help them improve at home. However, if you want them to be cultured, have a wide range of interests and a broad knowledge base, and to see learning as something that happens everywhere, that's something you need to be doing at home.

@harrietm87 networking friendship circles, tennis, those that ‘know’ on Ivys. St Andrews etc. Etiquette classes at country clubs or similar, ‘bon chic bon genre’ instilling. Networking generally.

Good grief.

To be fair, being academically average is not an indication of Learning Disability OR neurodiversity. Most people are average!

@sixtyten tip of iceberg, college counselling later & SAT prep people can be six figures & no guarantees any more.

Wow @User14March that’s crazy!

@MrsSunshine2b we obviously talk a lot to our kids, read to them, encourage their interests and I have no doubt they will grow up with plenty of “cultural capital” as a result - it was more the suggestion that the majority of parents should be actively teaching kids by giving them additional work/homework…that has surprised me as I don’t think any of DS’s friends do that, though I suppose I haven’t actually asked their parents…

@harrietm87 it goes on all the time ‘homework tutors’ are a thing. ‘I would stop it but he loves it so’. Etc. It created virtuous circles. All/most the smart London Prep top set kids are tutored. Not uncommon for some kids to learn next year’s material in hols. Hence faster & generally ‘brighter’. ‘New’ concepts are effectively revision.

What's so wrong with being " ordinary"
Most of the population is......

@montysma1 does anyone aspire or want an ‘ordinary’ life? A contented one I get, poss synonymous for some.

*aspire to

I used to do stuff with my stepdaughter in the holidays (summer slide is a real thing!) and do a bit extra with her because she was struggling in certain areas- she's dyslexic so needed more practise on her spelling.

Now my daughter is starting school we encourage her to do some pencil control activities (maybe 5 minutes a day) just so she finds writing a bit easier when she starts but I agree that on a day to day basis there's no real need or benefit to forcing endless hours of busy work outside school.

I doubt you need to be booking mini-breaks to Rome to assist your DS (and what's wrong with going to Silchester or St Albans or Chester - lots of Roman stuff in Britain). Reading is a good idea to keep going till ready to read by themselves. Try to avoid tablets/phones etc for as along as possible.
I too was a high achiever, though I did not go to grammar school. My mother taught me to read when I was about 4 and by the time I was eleven I was a voracious reader. I read to both my children - 7/8 books a day when they were small (I like reading!) - and both turned out fine, though I did minimal help with homework etc.

Yes I fully agree. I was just pointing out that I don't think she was using the terms neurodiverse and learning difficulties interchangeably.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/22/why-isnt-my-child-clever-as-me

This article in the Guardian has stayed with me. As a society we do put a lot of value on intelligence, and then pretend we don't. You are allowed to mourn a little the vision of your child that you had. But, just as you might get a reader not a footballer or a scientist not an artist, your kid isn't your vision for them, they are their own person. I watched my friend made miserable because his father wanted him to be an accountant and have opportunities he hadn't.

I also remember that article from years ago. Poor Bella!