To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

My father didn’t learn to read fluently until he was 11 and he failed the 11+. However, he turned out to be a late bloomer and ended up at Oxford. It’s entirely possible that your child is average, but 6 really is too young to judge.

I think you are judging achievement in rather narrow categories. Your child may excel in art, music, dance or have an attractive charming personality that allows them to do well in life.

You have to nurture your child’s talents and abilities - not measure them against your DH and yourself.

I have one child who is highly intelligent who now works as a vet and one who is just average - she excelled at art and works in that field. She is very kind and empathetic with many friends.

Well if he got to university before things turned around he was never an under achiever was he?

"below average"? "High achievers?" Don't give your head a wobble, give yourself a good slap.

Your kid might be more like your siblings or parents. Who knows?

i do some know some kids who had quite late dyslexia diagnosis as they were doing pretty well at school but not amazing - worth keeping an eye

It’s not stupid.
lots of it goes under the radar, bobbing along, looking like pretty average achievers.
Never rule anything out. Maybe the poster has first hand experience.

I don't think it's that unusual - I know a lot of parents who did well at school themselves with one very academic child and one who is dyslexic, ADHD, ASD etc who struggled with academic subjects or school completely. It doesn't mean they don't succeed in life or do well in the end, they may just have a less straightforward or linear path.

I was a 'high achiever' when I was 6. Actually probably from around 5-11. I was the best in the class, or one of the best at reading, spelling, maths. After that I had a different outlook at school - friends and doing whatever they were doing became more important - and I slipped right back in most things. I didn't achieve as well as I should have done in GCSEs.

My son wasn't a 'high achiever' at 6. He was below average in reading. His brain took a while to click with it. By 7, he was an above average reader and gained a love of books and reading that lasted under he was about 14. At secondary school he was bright but not focused on learning. His GCSEs were ok but he didn't get any top grades.

He suddenly became a high achiever at around 17. Top grades at A Level, a first at a top uni in a stem subject, did a masters, great job. Point is, you simply can't tell at 6 and shouldn't be worrying.

I sort of get you, I was very academic at school, a real whizz. Got a 1st class degree without trying terribly hard etc. I'd assumed my dc would be the same. Eldest is dyslexic and youngest is sports mad and not interested in academia at all. I'm absolutely not disappointed but just surprised....I thought my dc would be "mini me" and they absolutely aren't.

Just focus on loving and nuturing them, so they can grow and develop to the best of their ability.

Who cares if someone is a 'high achiever anyway' - it's not a path to happiness (and I say this as someone who has achieved lots, including obtaining a 4 year joint honours degree (just) before I was 21 and getting a PhD from a very good Uni a few years later).

Not really. Look up "regression to the mean"

It's also a massive spectrum and many will be severely impacted. .

Are you a high achiever or highly intelligent? Your post doesn’t suggest it’s the latter - your child’s brain is even fully developed. It’s bonkers to worry about your child being “average” at age 6.

You have no idea why your DH was moved up a year at 7. It could be his school was smaller and he was ever so slightly above his peers. My DC have 90 people on their year groups in primary compared to my ten! As a result children got moved up more readily back in the day.

Maybe your inlaws were as pushy as hell and the headteacher moved him up to get rid of the pushy parents asap.

Perhaps he was a boy in a sea of girls with a sexist teacher.

Oh dear. Your poor DC is going to risk life as feeling like a disappointment because they didn’t match up to your standards if you don’t sort this shit out right now.

Let it go. I will tell you now, feeling like you aren’t good enough intellectually for the rest of your family does long lasting damage. I know because that’s me.

You need to adjust your attitude and let your child find their own talents as they age.

I was a high achiever in reading and writing at primary school. I could read by the age of 3.

I did get an A at English gcse but that's hardly unusual. The rest of my results are just average really. Went to an ex poly university. Definitely not a high achiever as an adult I can tell you. 😂

*were just average

Indeed - DD2 was average and enjoyed primary school and had very good attendance- I thought she was struggling to read and we had a tutor for her with English and Maths, but she just hated secondary school and had really bad anxiety, panic attacks, running away etc. Turned out she had combined ADHD and also ASD. She is very funny, sociable, bubbly, and pretty confident in most things. Just not secondary school.

I think it’s important to remember that academic ability is not a measure of intelligence. Your DS is only 6 and he’s meant to be enjoying school above all else at the minute. He’s still learning and he may move into the top sets as he progresses through school or he might not. You need to work out why this is so important to you. There are so many successful people out there who openly talk about their school experience and who failed their exams. It really is only a small part of who they are and what they will go on to achieve. Your job as a parent is to love them, support them and give them the confidence to try things even if they fail. Don’t get hung up on comparing him to you and your DH.

I was very academic at school, top grades in all exams, Mensa level IQ. I’ve flopped as an adult. I have major MH problems that stop me from excelling at everyday life. Looking at the cohort of people I was educated with, it’s a lot of the “average” students who are now flying high in life. School certainly isn’t everything.

I get it OP. For me, it's not because I want them to be high achievers but want them to be able to breeze through school like me and DH did. I think school is very hard for kids who need to put in so much more work to be able to keep up.

What I would say is that 6 is very young, DD was very average or below last year at 6 but she was above all expectations this year (no additional input from us) so it might still change yet.

Maybe they have potential but as parents you’ve failed?

6 is far too young to start making assumptions about your DC’s future intelligence or success OP I’m thinking he’s likely to lack confidence so focus on building that up.

I think it is perhaps best to avoid attempting to live vicariously through the achievements of your children, such that you are disappointed when they do not meet your expectations (and perhaps your view of yourself as a high achiever is in itself neurotic). What makes you think that you are anything special? I'm guessing it's because you did well in exams and maybe have a decent job. If so, that's hardly exceptional.

I completely understand you OP. I am and was the same. It’s hard when you both have been advanced and you wrongly think your children will the same. My DH was below average at 6/7 but by the time he was in secondary he was top 10%. I have to keep reminding myself this that primary school attainment isn’t set in stone. There plently of time to shine at whatever your DC picks in life