To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

I was exactly the same as you OP! At 5 I expected ds to be brighter than he was (I taught myself to read before I started school). By 16 DS had mostly 9's in his GCSEs and a diagnosis of ASD.
My advice would be to spend lots of time reading to him and listening to him read. Loads of playing and doing fun activities together, we played lots of young kids board games which often had a bit of maths or whatever involved.

He’s six!!!!! I thought he’d be GCSE year at least from the way you’re talking.

Your child is 6, you really need to give him a chance. Don’t let him know this is how you feel

Me and DH are very high achievers

That notwithstanding, your grasp of entry level grammar is piss poor, I’m afraid! Also, those who describe themselves as high achievers are often so far up their own backsides, that they have a very restricted view of the world.

Maybe he’s just not found his stride yet, maybe he’s not yet found his “thing”. My academic child fly until junior school, up until then the structure and social side of school sapped all their brain capacity.

Sure we've all known families of a very bright child and parents saying 'we don't know where they got it from'. And the reverse. My BIL is definitely on the lower end of brain power and his parents were very bright - father very well educated and successful, mum not very well educated but you only need talk to her for five minutes to know she had a lot of intelligence. Genes work in mysterious ways. My own DD is so like my sister (who is not at all like me) it's uncanny.

They are so young! See where you are in 10-12 years time.

How sad for your lo, that you're disappointed in them you should be loving and accepting of your child no matter what, that is the role of a parent I'm sure your child had the right to expect better.

The loop here is that most high achieving parents earn well and have the resources to expose their kids to books, to learning outside the classroom etc. So their kids do well because they have educated parents at home who support them and encourage their interests. And who are not working multiple jobs just to get food on the table.

So leaving aside neurodiversity the thing to ask is HOW you foster your child’s learning? Do you read to them every single day? Do they have regular and constant access to books? Do you sit and do academic work with them in a non pressured way?

DH and I are both academically ‘high achieving’ by most criteria (both have Oxbridge and Ivy League degrees including PhDs) but our parents really inculcated a work ethic in us. So maybe I would have breezed through without working but I was encouraged to work as hard as I could (and I still swam, played sport, did a lot of drama). That work ethic has stood me in good stead as an adult. My sense is that the people who succeed as adults are not those who breezed through primary school but who can do grunt work quickly and efficiently, can make links between ideas and concepts and generally work hard even if each day might be a grind. I know some brilliant people who didn’t achieve greatness because when they had to put in the hours they fizzled out.

Completely agree with this. The capacity to work hard, and persist and persevere, is a talent and skill in itself, and one we should all put a lot more focus on in education, IMO.

I would think it surprising if the child was below average if the parents were high achievers, yes. Especially if they came from an extended family with generations of high achievers.
I come from such a family with high achieving great-grandparents all the way down to a high achieving great-grandchild. Every single family member was above average all the way through school, apart from one got firsts at university, has a great career. I think we all expected our children to be high achievers and they were.
I think it would have been difficult for any of us if our children hadn't been, simply because it would have been so unfamiliar. Along with being naturally intelligent the extended family has ambition and a strong work ethic, which I think is the thing that makes a real difference in life, whatever your level of intelligence.
I used to say to my children that I would be prouder of a child who wasn't so intelligent yet who tried really hard, than of a child who was clever yet lazy.
I disagree with posters who say you can't tell by 6, of course many children are late bloomers, but by 6 it's perfectly possible to tell if children are very bright.

And yes read read read, lots of board games, lots of hands on learning rather than worksheets. And make sure he develops a love of learning by you modelling it. And you encourage him through the hard bits. Both my kids play musical instruments to a reasonably high level and it has taken perseverance on their part and daily encouragement and supervision on my part. The child who just picks up a violin and somehow magically is able to play at a high standard is a myth.

When you have children there is no guarantee they will get your best qualities!

My partner and I are both very academic. Numbers are my thing, writing is where my partner excels. Perfect combination?! Our child(ren) will be great at both, or rubbish at both if they get my (lack of) gift for words and my partners for numbers. Or a bit of a mix.
Both of us have been more driven to succeed after having primary school teachers dismiss our abilities. If we had supportive schools we might have just coasted in life and never got the fire that inspired us. We found one another in our degrees and had someone as dedicated to their course as each other. We might not have done. We could have met socialites and partied much more through uni. We were both taught to be inquisitive by parents and that has allowed us to succeed. We had placements that were inspiring

So much of what we have achieved is not about raw talent it's about how the people you are exposed to influence you in positive and negative ways. Every interaction with another human shapes you and at 6 they are just starting on this journey

Kids all develop at very different rates.
You can't judge a child academically or even whether they're going to be sporty at 6. Don't believe any teachers either as they get it very wrong. Some very bright children at 6 end up doing badly later on.

Naughtiness is a good thing.
Don't write it off. It shows spirit & determination.
My naughtiest child is now a very academic small animal vet who wants to specialise.

Mum of 4 here.

My son got a report from reception saying he was below average in reading and writing. I was teaching at the time and soon started picking up signs of dyslexia. He was assessed and this was confirmed. I would say he struggled through primary, but then took off in secondary. He passed all of his GCSEs and is now taking a levels with a plan to go on to university. He is also a fantastic kid and I am so proud of how hard he has had to work to get these results.
Don't worry kids all make progress at different rates, he will make progress at the rate right for him.

JFC not everything is ASD/ADHD. People wonder why so many get pissed off with the way these get banded about with no basis for it!

6! Given the kid a chance for goodness sake! Can't tell fuck all about their 'achiever' status at that age. Many kids don't bloom academically until older. You've no idea how it's looking, at least not until secondary school. And just because the two of you are high achievers, it has no bearing on your dc. A lot of it comes down to parenting at that age anyway - the more time you spend with them doing reading and basic arithmetic the better foundation they're getting (but beware of trying to push them too hard, too young, you'll just put them right off). And things will likely level out at secondary school anyway.

The only reason to be pushy with primary age kids is to get them through 11+ or entrance exams.

@Kegas I think you're getting a hard time on here, it's not unreasonable to expect your children to be near the level you were at school.

I would say 6/7 is an interesting age. Generally children who aren't taught to read at school start reading around 7, and in a lot of Europe, it's when they start doing proper school so your DS is still very young.

When is his birthday? That makes a big difference at this age. My October born child was near the top of the class from day 1 while the other who was early summer was a much slower starter but was in the top third by the time they finished.

If you are like this when he is 6 what are you going to be like if he doesn't want to go to university. I feel sorry for him.

You ARE being VERY unreasonable and utterly selfish and thoughtless.

The kid is SIX, still learning.

Even when they're adult, you've got absolutely no right at all to think more of them for having ''high intelligence'' than having average or below.

Both of my parents have been dead for donkeys years, I never really got on with them anyway but they were always putting me down, telling me how ugly and unintelligent I am, I'd never make anything of myself etc. etc. I had it blasted at me at school from ''teachers'' and pupils from aged 5 to 16 when I finally managed to leave.

I've got 4 Basic Level 2 Certificates and that's it, which I got in adulthood. Failed my GCSE's, which absolutely bored me to death anyway, have only ever done low paying work like waiting on tables, cleaning etc. I managed various shops/businesses and am now f/t self-employed in Specialist Retail but because I'm not the academic type, aged 59 I'm STILL branded an an idiot. I work and have worked up to 18 hours a day 7 days a week. The ability to work hard and learn is far more important than a high intelligence level.

Intelligence does not make a person.

Cherish every moment with your kid, praise them for ALL they try to do, even if they fail or the kid will end up with a lifetime of issues as I have.

And lastly, don't be pompous!

Give it time.

When I was that age my parents were disappointed that I didn't seem to be musical. I play two instruments to grade 8 standard, and will be running choir practice later this evening.

One lad I know was below average at school at 6, but gained ground in KS2, and did his undergraduate degree at Durham.

Keep reading with them, treat them as if they are intelligent, and keep an eye out for anything which might be a particular issue which is hampering them.

Of course it's unreasonable to expect your kids to be carbon copies of yourself as a parent and to achieve in exactly the same way.

At 6 it's far more important for a kid to feel like they are loved, supported and not a huge disappointment to their parents than to be top of a reading group.

I can absolutely guarantee that kids pick up on that kind of sentiment.

I think even at this age his life is his life, not yours or DH or anyone else's. Listen to the child, let him excel in the things he loves, let him find his way don't box him in or hot house him in anyway because of YOUR expectations. Mental health and happiness are what matter everything else comes along for the ride. He will find something that is his home if he is happy and fulfilled generally.

I would second the reading, let him explore other stuff outside of school - practical skills, art, theatre, dance so much is not school these days and the school system lets children down in these areas, create a well rounded happy child and if he has the ability academically he will thrive, if things need to adjust for him due to ND then chase that goal.

I have a six-year-old and she and her peers are still so young. One of her friends started school in nappies and is now in the top reading group!

My only advice is to encourage them to try different activities and see what they enjoy. And if they enjoy something, use it to motivate them. For example, DD used to be obsessed with the moon, so we read fiction and non-fiction books about the moon and the childminder did moon-related crafts with DD.

DD also went through a stage where she wanted to spend most of her time cutting pictures out of catalogues and magazines with her play scissors. I encouraged this as she enjoyed it and it was great for her fine motor skills. At the moment, she loves horses, so she draws pictures of them and writes little stories. She’s also into Disney films and one of them, Brave, encouraged DD to take up soft archery. It all helps!

This, with bells on