To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

Your expectation is that your child be above average at 6 because you and your husband were. The thing is though, I don't think you can directly compare. The focus during the early years at school has changed so what led to your DH being moved up a grade isn't necessarily what they focus on now. E.g. I think the ability to rote learn back then was more highly rewarded than now. Doesn't mean your child won't be highly successful and happy in life.

With that kind of expectation and pressure it's going to be a burden to your kids. My boss' daughter goes to an elite private school and self harm is common place where there has been one incident a year for a few years.

You might perceive yourself to be a high achiever but what is that compared to say Bill Gates? Would you like to be constantly compared?

Be grateful they are healthy, that they are growing up to be kind kids, that they enjoy childhood. Being happy is more important as life is short.

Me and my DH are super high achievers. My DH was not at 6 years old. In fact, he has a learning disability. As an adult, intellectually and academically he is a high flyer. Not all of our children are this way. I'm more disappointed when people think that we have high academic expectations of our children because we are highly academic.

My children are who they are with all their strengths, weaknesses and unique gifts. Academic or not, they may be great chefs, artists, really good with hands on occupations like trades, good with animals, high emotional intelligence, good gardeners, whatever they want. They are not us and we just want them to be happy with whatever direction they take. My job is to help them find their direction, even if it turns out to be something unexpected.

The trap I am not wanting to fall into and have actively gone against, and which you might want to consider OP, is pushing them in academic directions if that is not their interest. It happened to me and I feel like I've always missed what could have been my true calling in occupation because of it.

It’s a different world for them compared to us. Many high earners I know struggled to graduate from high school and never went to university. They have achieved so much. Agree with others that age 6 is too young to judge they have 10 years or more at school to go. And finding what they love to do is more important.

I understand why you say this but they will be fine.

My friends lovely Dh was expelled from primary school for bad behaviour. Lovely guy partner in a top law firm now. A lot can change!

@Kegas I've no idea if you're still reading as you haven't posted in ages, but it may he helpful for you & DH to actively consider what 'success' looks like for you. Is this different from 'high achieving' or the same? Is it based on being academic? Being widely read & having a massive spread of interests & general knowledge? Is earning lots of money your only metric for achieving highly? Does participating in a competitive sport at a national or international level come into it?

And what is success? Is it completely linked to your answers above? Or is it finding the unique interests that someone has as an individual? Is it developing them to the best od their ability-even if their ability is average or lower? Is it about having good social skills and being a good friend & kind to those who aren't friends or who are demonstrably different from themself? Is it about being resilient in areas they find a struggle, but putting in high effort & being persistent anyway - even if they will never be top of the class? Is it about trying enough creative & sporting activities to identify something they LOVE? And something THEY feel good at? Is it about finding a community around you of like-minded people & contributing to that community to help you feel good about yourself & give back, rather than only doing things that benefit you as an individual?

If your only definition of success is high schoolwork achievement & landing in a high earning career, then your child is far more likely to be a disappointment to you & not "successful". As others have said, they will pick up on that (if they haven't already) and it will result in some significant development problems for them!

It's been pointed out already that your child will have spent 2 of their most formative toddler years with lockdowns & lack of social interaction going in around them. What did that look like for them? Are you key workers & they continued in nursery/at childminder with other children throughout? Did you both 'high achieving' wfh full time for the duration? Did you already have a live in nanny so their care wasn't disrupted? Or (like most of us) did you have to rely on electronic babysitters to pick up some of the slack to make work commitments possible? Or was one of you a sahp, or furloughed, so they were lucky enough to get loads of direct input from a parent throughout that period-but it naturally focussed on what that parent is interested in & good at? At 6 this whole generation has an array of (very different!) development gaps - please support that rather than writing them off!

Can you check yourselves now and put some steps in place to help your child find their own successes? You say they are 'below average' in sports - in Year 1 I don't know many schools which report progress or provide the opportunities to tell this, so is that based on you trying to hothouse DC in a sport one or both of you excel in? If they're not a young Messi/Jonny Wilkinson/Michael Phelps at 6, maybe try them in karate, or street dance, or trampolining or tennis or ASK them what they'd like to try instead - so they don't have to suffer every Sunday with you two on the touchline telegraphing your deflation in them!

Also be very aware of the conversations you have within earshot of them on playdates, especially if you naturally gravitate towards being that competitive parent who always compares notes with other Mums. I know far too many Mums who have talked about 'X's lack of confidence at leaving me to join in at the start of blah activity' or 'Y's struggle to settle if the class teacher isn't there & it's a supply teacher/TA/cover today'. Funnily enough the children DO earwig in & absorb these opinions about themselves & it multiplies up!

So see if you can take a step back & think about whether you can help your child to develop some interests of their own, and support them in trying a wider range of activities outside of school until THEY find something they feel good at & enjoy doing. It might be drama, music, gardening, cooking, knitting, cubs/brownies, watersports, litterpicking, choir, who knows?... do they have the space & opportunity to try enough different things to find out what they LIKE?

If you've been too busy trying to make them into a cookie-cutter version of yourselves, they might not even know what they like or what they're good at yet - let's face it, at 6 there's still a bit of runway to find out! Help them in that...

Good advice in the previous post.

OP, I'd wonder what makes you so sure you are a high achiever? Most people are average, but a bit of luck and circumstance helps them excel.

I work in an area that is typically considered high achieving (having a PhD is a minimum requirement). Most of the people I work with are average, but they had very good circumstances. Fortunately, I think most also recognise this rather than have very high opinions of themselves.

I know of a mother who did well at school but felt she wasn’t pushed hard enough to excel. Her plan is to push her own kids much harder in Primary with the hope and assurance they motivate themselves in Secondary. They are undoubtedly bright. Is this wrong?

I have this, I am averagely bright but excelled at school as worked very hard. My oldest is also averagely bright, but puts in minimum effort. I'm not frustrated by her average ability, that's inbuilt. I'm frustrated by her lack of effort, when she could do really well but just can't be bothered. My parents came from very little and early on instilled the importance of hard work to do well. My girls have had a much more 'comfortable' childhood and I wonder if that hasn't motivated them to strive as hard?

Yes, if "pushing" doesn't suit the child.

I have one who pushes herself so hard at times that the main thing is to get her to chill out a bit.

And another who needs encouragement, but shuts down if it's too much.

@MrHarleyQuin I think in her case the assumption & reality was her children were tough, intellectual, social & strong like her/her husband. Her approach seems to be paying dividends.

I have/had a softer approach but those with more authoritative parenting styles seem to raise happier more successful children IME.

How sad and shallow are you. I'll just leave that there!!!!!

So you're considering neurodiversity purely because your DC is ONLY performing averagely academically. At 6 years old????

Shame they don't assess parenting ability/performance. That would soon knock you off the "high-achieving" pedestal you put yourself on.

Oh and I could technically be classed as a high achiever - I've never really thought whether or not I am or given myself that title.

I did will at school, won a few awards, graduated with a 1st class honours degree. Have a well-paying highly respected job.

So if that means definition then I'd be "high achieving"

At my DDs parents night I'm more interested in whether there's anything she's struggling with. Once I know she's "on track" and there's no concerns with her ability that need proper attention, I'm more interested in whether she's happy in school, has friends, is kind, polite, helpful etc

She seems to be "average" in terms of maths, English etc. But she's happy, friendly, popular, described as kind etc so I'm more than happy

I don't think it works like that. Dh got a first in his degree and has an IQ of about 130. I got a 2:1 and have an IQ of 99. So dh is a high achiever. Not sure about me though as a 2:1 is really good but 99 for IQ is very average.

Ds1 is on track for getting 3 A's in his a-levels. Ds2 is predicted to pass all but 2 of his gcse's. Ds3 is bright but has adhd so gets distracted. Ds4 has moderate learning disabilities. Ds5 is working a greater depth for maths but is also "working towards" for about half his subjects. So older 2 are high achievers but the younger 3 not really. Ds4 is the best at socialising though out of all of them.

It’s clear from this thread that everyone has different ideas of what high achievers can manage academically.

OP, With one controversial post, you have managed twenty pages of discussion - quite something!

Not very high achievers if you type 'Me and DH are...' I

This is nonsense. These kind of grammar mistakes are very common, even among people doing very well for themselves.

That's not how genes work.

NRTFT so someone may have already mentioned it but it may be worth getting your child’s hearing checked. I had the same issue with my child at a similar age - not making expected progress - turned out there were some hearing issues.

I had a friend, a high-achieving medic married to a another one, whose first DD was accounted, at 8, very average. After they had recovered from what was a shock, they raised a happy and fulfilled daughter.

I know a similar couple, @bellocchild , both doctors. Their eldest is a mechanic. University wasn't for him, he was better suited to an apprenticeship. No SEN, he was wasn’t particularly academic, more practical. We’re all different.

It rather casts doubt on the self-description all the same.

It also makes one wonder if the child would be doing better if he or she were exposed to better grammar in the home.

Most of my siblings are very academic. One brother hated it and he’s a builder. He has a decent job, lovely girlfriend and he’s just as happy as everyone else.