To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

I have friends who are high achieving journalists and whose son struggled with English. They were going to put him
in a private school but he did not pass his exam.
Interestingly, from an ordinary start he found his way in life and has now a high paying job and bought a fantastic house.
Just don’t worry. Encourage, support and allow your child to find their own success. Children develop differently. They will have a life that suits their time.

DH and I are both high achievers. DS (8) is academic and sporty. DD (4) is showing similar signs. Honestly, we are relieved. We have high expectations for our children (as in Dh and I do for our particular children) and we will always love our DC regardless of achievement but I’d be lying if I said we wouldn’t be disappointed if they weren’t as they are. Fully expecting a pile on.

A 4 year old high achiever 😳

Are you reading with them everyday? Are you sitting with them for at least 1 hour and teaching them outside of school?
I ask because people who are high achievers often are so focused on what they are doing that they forget to put the effort in with their kids and leave it to just the school, but any teacher will tell you that if you want the beat out of your child then school isn't enough and parents need to be putting in the effort at home.
I take my child on a whole load of educational trips. If he's doing Rome at school....we do a mini break to Rome, just so.you understand the extent.

You need to take a deep breath and remember that children change significantly. At 6, my DS was very average - good reader but poor writer and spelling. He was also very middling in maths. He got an A star in GCSE maths and walked out of a leading engineering univ with a first and straight into a great graduate engineering job.

Assessing how well a child will do based on their apparent ability at 6 is ridiculous in my view. As is the 11 plus.

So I assume you and your husband were Straight As, oxbridge education and both now on six figure income and defined for even more career success.

Think about why you need your child to be exceptional. Do you think that will make them happier - or maybe it’s just about you and how you view yourself and by extension them.

are they struggling in school? Have teachers raised Problems?

People completely misunderstand the term average. Half the population are below average. (And the other half are above).

My child has. Why do you ask?

You do 1 hour of extra work with your child every day?!

How old are they? That seems crazy to me. I read with my 6yo daily and we do the school homework once a week and that is it. Not really relevant for the purposes of this thread but they are thriving academically.

It’s a bit early to make a judgement about academic ability especially if your child is a boy. My son took a while to engage in school and was always average in primary and the first few years of secondary. It wasn’t until he knew he had to work for exams that he displayed his ability. He achieved straight A grades across the board at 15 as is on track for more As at 16. I think he’s just pretty laid back and a bit lazy but does have genuine ability. He absorbs info easily, retains well and can problem solve, but only if really required 🤣

I’m a high achiever and my DDs dad wasn’t academic, and didn’t do too well career wise. He is more a people’s person and I can imagine a million things he would be good at. Thankfully my DD takes after me and is academic - she’s a teen now - at 6 she was bad at maths and had the worst handwriting! We worked together to improve this and it’s paid off.

Yes there are some kids that are born genius’s - but I found that the children with the most spark are nurtured at home and are encouraged to have big conversations; are curious and their interests, no matter how small, are praised and invested in.

Came on to say exactly this. Children show their intellect/ potential at different ages, 6 is too soon to judge. Some kids were pulled out for 'extra' support in primary (where they pushed the brightest 20% of the class). One of the kids who wasn't selected (but whose parents were phd's) went on to do exceptionally well and get a private school scholarship. What I'm saying is he was average at 6, by 11 he was well in the upper quartile. He just developed differently.

Have you invested in your child? Have you/dh/ideally both, spent hours upon hours listening to them read, do their spellings? Have you and you dh given your dc, you? Or do they get a phone/tablet to learn from because you are high achieving?
Do you stimulate them to enjoy sports? Maths? English? Do you go out, see things to help their schooling land?

Because if you haven't done this, and more, you have no right to be disappointed. Sorry. My opinion. At 6, they are a product of their environment. As pp say, it's far too young yo judge them. And still time to teach them.

So you your child has just finished Y1? As an ex-teacher with still-teaching friends, a lot of them say the cohort that has just finished Y1 have really struggled in general since starting school - they were at most 2.5yrs when COVID and lockdowns began, and they missed a good chunk of the socialisation and 'soft skill building' that toddlers do at playgroups/preschool etc.

(One teacher friend said her Y1 class was almost feral when they started - had little idea how to use the classroom equipment, let alone listen to anyone - and they had been in YR by then too)

I have a nephew in said cohort (just finished Y1) who has intelligent parents but is 'working towards' in all areas. However, his report comments on how friendly, helpful, and empathetic he is, how he is quick to invite others to play and join in, and how he manages his own friendships by talking and trying to solve problems. This is all far more important at 6 than the fact he is below what the National Curriculum deems 'average' - that will come. Or it won't, in which case support will be sought as required.

By contrast, his 10 year old brother (just finished Y5) is 'average' in all areas (but still great comments on his behaviour/temperament/interaction with others), when actually he's quite capable of much more and coasts along doing the bare minimum. We suspect he will come into his own at secondary school when it's more interesting to him.

It might seem unusual to have a 'below average child' if both parents are high achievers (although as others have pointed out - high achiever does not always equal highly intelligent), but things tend to even themselves out ultimately.

Poor kids!!!

Keep talking about yours kids this way OP and when they are older they will want to stay well away! Think of their self esteem for god sake!

Encourage them and see what they enjoy and are good at!!!

When you have a kid, you automatically dream what they will be like. You are NBU to have those dreams. However maybe your child isn't super-bright or especially athletic. Maybe they are just an average kid. Or they could be dyslexic.

Intelligence often comes from reading so a child may seem less intelligent than they are if they are struggling to read. Dyslexia or poor eyesight can cause issues or maybe they just don't read enough? Are you reading with them at great length and encouraging them to read?

I've worked with students who seem low-ability because they can't retain information or read properly on white paper. So a reading age of five when they're nine. Suddenly with coloured paper they can retain information and improve their reading age to beyond their years. So I'd be checking reading issues.

IQ, like height regresses to the mean. But hey don't be do judgemental about your unique child. Support them and help them develop their abilities.

Your job is to aim the arrow and shoot. Then where they go is up to them, the wind etc

I feel very sorry for your child. They will probably feel yours and your husbands disappointment in them, even if you don't say it. They are 6 and still finding out what they like and don't like. Give the kid a break and let them be a kid

Strange that when I read on here often enough about people who wouldn't want a low earning or uneducated to their level husband

So if obviously matters to quite a few people

Some DC come under the umbrella “late developers”.

I have a DC who failed phonics test, languished in middle lower end of class through primary, failed 11+ - but since starting secondary has gradually been on an upward trajectory. As learning becomes less about remembering stuff by rote and more about using the brain, they’ve flown. Expected to get 3 As a A level and had 5 top uni offers. Wouldn’t surprise me if they get a First at uni.

Don’t assume that where they are at 6 will reflect the rest of their educational journey.

I seem to be the only one who thinks this is all a joke. No?!

The OP even kindly included a basic error in each of English and Arithmetic in her post!

Many characteristics are influenced by many factors - genetically by multiple alleles and environmentally by many other factors. All 4 brothers in my family are taller than both parents - lucky(?) coincidence of genes.

Intelligence is a vague concept and achievement even moreso. They are likely influenced by very many genetic factors, again as well as environmental ones. So your expectations may be, if not unreasonable, over-optimistic.

As for the future, unless you already have their lives mapped out for them (as some parents did and probably still do) you may be pleasantly surprised. Two of my nephews both seemed very intelligent to me - at least a match for their parents. When they did not go to university, I was rather disappointed. But both had their own ideas of what they wanted to do. The elder wanted to work for very large engineering company in the area (I don't know exactly why) and his brother wanted to work in agriculture. The elder did later get an engineering degree, because the company paid for him to do it. He is well established in the company and earning far more than his dad or any of my graduate brothers at his age. (He recently married; "Don't bother with wedding presents, we've got everything we want.") The younger brother got a very basic job with a landscape gardening company, worked hard, got trained as a tree surgeon and now runs his own business, including providing arboricultural services to his former employer. He's not so wealthy - yet - but very happy and with excellent prospects.
The work ethic and personal skills they got from their parents, seem to have enabled greater achievements than their schooling.

Please 😢 I was rubbish at school in fact I had to go into special classes. My whole life I thought I was stupid. In fact I’ve only recently realised that I’m actually highly intelligent (don’t want to blow my own trumpet) and even though I never did my GCSEs I now have a bachelors degree. I also realised I don’t learn the way they teach at school. I don’t learn from sitting and writing, I learn from watching and doing. I have COMMON SENSE, RESILIENCE, INITIATIVE, DETERMINATION, EMPATHY, COMPASSION and these are so much more important. You can study whenever but some skills they do not teach in books. Anyway education is wasted on the young.

I have ADHD (diagnosed by a psychiatrist as an adult) and I have a masters degree AND went to Oxbridge. I don't have fucking learning difficulties and I don't appreciate your comment.