To think it’s unusual to have a below average child if…

[Kegas]

Their parents are high achievers? I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed but I do. Me and DH are very high achievers. From school and now well into our careers. I sort of assumed our child would be even better than that, but they’re very much not. AIBU to have expected differently?

Me and DH have brilliant careers and are quite academic. Our middle child is nearly 8. She is way below average (2 academic school years ) but she excels with her personality and is brilliant at art. I wouldn’t have her any other way. Sometimes you have smart kids and sometimes you don’t. She has a wild spirit and I’m sure she will become a beautiful adult (academic or not). Love them for who they are not what you want them to be.

This:

The more intelligent the parents the more likely that their children will be less intelligent than they are. The bell-curve for intelligence shows tapers either end, low IQ and high IQ (for want of a better measure). So if you are at the far right of the bell-curve as you look at it, where the highly intelligent are, you are statistically more likely to have a child who is less intelligent.

My hubby has a 1st class honours and an undergrad.
I've a 2 (2:1 hons degrees).
Our eldest is a high achiever.
Our next eldest receives additional support in school from the special educational needs learning unit. She has a 1:1 in school.
Our next girl again a high achiever.
Our 2 boys are too young

Every young person is different and shine at their own time. My hubby said he HATED primary school and never done well. Was bottom of class etc. Then he moved to high school and it all changed.
We are both an academic background and our children are all very different.
Your little one is still very young.

I was always above average at school. My eldest 3 DC all achieved average or just below (their report cards were colour coded red, amber, light green, dark green) mainly ambers aand light greens. DC4 is AuDHD.. DC3 is dyslexic DC1 is now working in transport, DC2 is a legal secretary, DC3 is training to be a commercial pilot. DC4 is struggling at school but is very practical so I am sure he will find his niche.

He's 6. He is just settling in to his educational journey. Give him time x

Honestly...this is so concerning. Your child's future wellbeing is at risk of harm, because of your attitude. I've seen social services take children away from families because of this.

Carry on this way and your child stands no chance of being happy, or having any self worth.

You need to give your head a wobble, or adopt him out to a family who will love them unconditionally.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be disappointed. I'm high achieving academically, and do feel a bit disappointed that one dc seems completely average or below in everything so far. I love them to bits, as they are, but worry that
a) they've started comparing themselves to peers and its affecting their self esteem
b) in my case, being good at school/ University etc led to a choice of career options, and fulfilling career.

However, I look at dp who didn't do well academically at all and now earns 3x what I do, which makes me feel better for dc. And the person I know with the biggest, fanciest house is a builder with limited education so academics def don't count everything!

And social services getting involved is a joke!

Just encourage them, love unconditionally, praise effort over achievement, I'm sure your dc will be fine.

Regression to the mean may mean they aren't as academic as you, but academic success doesn't equate to rich or happy so try not to stress and compare.

We have the opposite here. Dh and I are average (both got degrees but not great ones) but DCs are very clever and talented. Not a brag, but I do often wonder where they got it from cos it isn’t us!!
DS is genius level - is doing a v challenging degree. He had a challenging year with various personal issues going on and got a high first. DD has a lot of creative talent - it’s not me or DH at all.

Reported.

I have two children.

It scars a child for life.

Probably don’t sweat it too much at 6. DH and I pretty bright + athletic growing up and our DC aren’t and / weren’t particularly excellent at anything at that age. I am not proud of how bummed out I was about my oldest DCs very average report at the end of reception (I have recovered myself!)

As they are getting older they are all finding their feet - you can see the influence of a family that is curious and questioning and excited by ideas. So much of attainment in life is attitude. Lean in to encouraging your child, following him down excited rabbit holes, supporting good structure an habits - they’ll find their ‘thing’!

There was lower status ascribed to the kids on ‘lower ability tables’. These children dreamt of being a ‘lion’ or a ‘zebra’. Mums tried to get their kids ‘moved up’ as an attainment gap began to open up. More often than not the early higher attainers stayed that way & kids of teachers in G&T club. Once seen as ‘clever’ the label rarely rescinded by the school.

Well, your kid is going to grow up feeling inadequate and never enough, even if you try to hide it.

Worth isn’t set by your academic performance, athletic prowess, musical talent or how much money you make. It’s about who you are as a person: whether you are kind, compassionate, tolerant, caring and able to take responsibility for your shit.

Hope you have a therapy fund set up for the kid when he’s older!

I totally hear you OP. I hear that you’re not disappointed, just surprised. I feel the same about my DDs 😂 They’re teenagers now and I keep waiting to see flashes of brilliance …none yet. I was a serial over achiever and their Father, was a science genius. Maybe it skips a generation 😂 They are, having said that, emotionally very intelligent, both ND, and cool with coming last … I have no need for them to be academically successful at all just happy and healthy 💕

I learnt to read aged 3, got top marks at school, have two degrees etc. DS is almost certainly dyslexic and has no interest in university (he is only 8 so this may of course change) but I am so proud of him. He is a kinder, calmer, more thoughtful and interested child than I ever was and those are the things that matter more imo.

6? Come on! They've only just started school! Sort your attitude our or they'll hate it

I know right!!

At 6 my DD2 was considered very average at school and a bit irritating as she didn't pay attention. We had the "benefit" of having home educated her during lockdown and knew that she could do all of the "stretch" maths that was set, so were puzzled about her being average. It turned out that she wasn't bothering to do more than the bare minimum at school. She was diagnosed with dysgraphia at 6 and ADHD at 8, but is actually far from average. A combination of struggling with writing and with attention really masked her abilities. I'm not convinced that her school would have spotted her neurodiversity as schools are geared up to be happy with average and the abilities she does have can mask her difficulties.

These poor kids

High achievement is often driven by a home environment where love is conditional, desire to please a parent etc. I used to work with 100s of high achieving clients and they all had something like this going on, a psychological driver to show that they were worthy/ better. I can probably count the ones with a normal, safe, happy childhood without a big conflict or drama or pushy parent on one hand.

Maybe be glad that your child feels safe and loved and comfortable not having to push themselves to feel worthy.

Natural talents/ interests can kick in later too. 6 is very young.

Is your child in a school with a high achieving overall population and thus is very impressive but seems less so in comparison? Have you guys actually exposed him to challenging reading/ sports? It’s not all natural talent at all. You become a bookworm and read beyond your age by being surrounded by books, for example.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I actually feel sorry for your child, I shudder to think what you will do to “make” them an achiever when they grow up, I bet you have already lined up private schools/ grammars/11+,etc., all kids need really is to be their number one fan regardless of their abilities.

You need to learn very quickly that your child is not an extension of you. They are an individual in their own right. Your only job is to love them, and support them to navigate their own way through life. Added to that, every child develops differently. They might be a great rock climber or superb on the electric guitar, or great with animals and that’s not something you usually find out at 6 because school is so narrow. Give them lots of opportunities and enjoy their laughter. Oh and most of us are average, it’s just fine down here.

I feel so much sympathy for your poor child having you two as parents. You are more than likely giving off passive aggressive vibes and he’s already thought fuck it I’m not good enough nor will I ever be. He’s 6, be grateful he’s healthy, happy (?), wants to attend school and IS doing well. Give over you moron.

DH was below average in school until 15/16 and ended up going to an Ivy League university and is very successful. You really can't judge a 6yo.