Parents new “friend”

[Itllbealrightonthenight]

I feel uncomfortable about my parents new friend, let’s call her Tracey.
My parents are in their early 60’s, both retired and have plenty of friends and family around them. Almost overnight this Tracey has become part of their everyday lives. Tracey is 26 and according to her, has crappy parents which is why my parents have taken her under their wing. She drives to their house for dinner several nights a week, goes shopping with them, goes to the gym with Dad 3 times a week. I met Tracey for the first time recently and she was pleasant enough but dismissive of me and made no effort to get to know me. I made a conscious effort to get to know her and make her feel welcome - because my parents have grown close to her. But she wasn’t interested and actually made me feel like the stranger in the situation. To my shock she repeatedly called my parents Mum and Dad. That made me feel really uncomfortable around her and I’m suspicious of how quickly she has formed this deep bond with my parents. I can’t help but question her motives. My parents have accepted her life story as she tells it- a neglected child. But the reality is she’s 26, an adult and my parents don’t actually know her yet. She lives with her Dad who she says isn’t supportive. Her mother is elsewhere and she too doesn’t have a good relationship with her. Apparently.
Im suspicious about her intentions and also peed off that she and my parents have totally disrespected me by allowing her to call them Mum and Dad. They’ve known eachother for 6 months!
Thoughts?

People can get dementia/cognitive decline in their early 60s (and even younger). Especially Fronto-Temporal dementia which often starts at younger ages, mainly 45-65. Personality changes rather than forgetfulness in early stages.

I agree that age gaps shouldn't matter in friendships but I was aware early on that my children would naturally feel threatened by me having a close friendship with someone who was nearer their age than mine so I have kept the friendship and family in two separate boxes.

Why would they feel threatened purely based on her age?

Knowing Kerry's life story and knowing she didn't have the same opportunities and advantages my children had growing up I have helped her financially and did that fairly early on in our friendship. She never asked for it and I always had to insist but it was something I wanted to do.

Of course she didn't ask, of course you had to insist-but the end result was that she took your money!

You have to go to the police and unfortunately, your mother's life with this man has to end. He is a weirdo and a creep ( even though just psychological ). Apparently he cannot live without having a young female presence around him. My advice is to get your mother out of his and Tracey's life. Let her take 50% before the whole lot gets spent on Tracey and your father's bizarre obsession with young females

Look around this forum, men in their early 60 or just tuned 60 are acting very bizarre to their children and wives

I know my children and know my daughters would probably feel rather jealous so rather than upset them I keep my family and my friendship separate.

Actually Kerry didn't take money, I bought her things. But I take your point that I'm in my 60's so I must be vulnerable and am being manipulated by scheming young person who is after my wonga.

Ha she should have chosen someone with much more than me.

The chance of one let alone both parents having a significant cognitive impairment in their early 60s is very low.

OP, your father sounds like a man who needs the adulation of a "little princess" who basically requires his help and looks up to him. Even though Tracey may be on paper an unlikely candidate for this, it's what she's doing and it feeds his ego, which is powerful stuff. I imagine you're seeing a side of his character that has never been fully displayed before, because he may have been able to have his needs met while your DD was still in that role. Now she's grown up and (quite normally) has other priorities, his self perception as the epicentre of an adoring woman's life has been threatened. There is of course your DM, but as "no man is a hero to his valet" few men retain the same sparkle and glamour after a long marriage and behaviour is according.

Tracey may be after a father figure but she certainly seems to be starting to benefit financially, in a way someone with good intent would simply not allow to happen. The fact she avoids/blanks you and other family members is not a sign she requires "family" but is threatened by you, possibly because she knows she is on the take and trying to push you out.

I think your DM is key and you, your brother and any adult grandchildren who can be drafted in to help need to lay it on the line with her, repeatedly, that Tracey's omnipresence is threatening family relationships, that your DFs attitude is very hurtful and his enmeshment with her is not normal or healthy. This may have to be done over a period, individually, and certainly separately from your father. I'd certainly make sure that any contact with your DM is well away from him, at all times and wouldn't be going to the house for more of the same treatment. Hopefully at some point it will sink in with her that she is risking the loss of her family by colluding with this.

Of course I might be utterly wrong but my gut instinct.

Actually Kerry didn't take money, I bought her things. But I take your point that I'm in my 60's so I must be vulnerable and am being manipulated by scheming young person who is after my wonga.
Ha she should have chosen someone with much more than me.

You can spend what you want on who you want as far as I'm concerned.
If you're happy that you're not being manipulated then that's great.

If she's happy with what you spent on her she doesn't need someone with more money does she?

So many men go astray when their wives are pregnant, because they feel that they are no longer the be all and end all of their partner's life, but I'm now beginning to see this as your father, perhaps feeling unwanted because your DD has grown up and doesn't spend so much time with him, and his DW, is wrapped up in caring for her own parents, hence I'm wondering if he's actually trying to replace your DM with a younger model. He's gradually working her into his actual home, by giving her office space, but how long before he tells your DM that she's no longer required? I think this might be a conversation I'd be having with your DM in your shoes, if you can meet up with her while he's not around, and just float the idea, then leave her to think about it. If she's truly as involved with this woman as your father, then it won't worry her, but if she has just the teeniest doubt, it might be enough for her to put the brakes on.

I'm so sorry you're going through this experience OP, and really hope that something happens to show your DF what a fool he's being. I'm probably around the same age as your DM, and while I trust my DH as much as you can trust anyone, no one really knows what goes through another person's mind, so there is NO WAY, that I'd be giving houseroom to a younger woman that my DH introduced as a new 'friend'! I would always be worried that it was the thin end of the wedge!!

Exactly this.
Follow her. Find stuff out. U will kick yourself if something happens to ur folk.

And get cameras put up in ur parents home too. If all is well no one will
Mind.

Tracy knows exactly what she is doing. And she’s quite effective- thus far becoming insured on your dads Land Rover, being fed for free all the time, having a PT course paid for (I suspect you are right about this) and also I think you mentioned previously potentially being named on the will.

For your dad to block your daughter’s ?instagram in favour of Tracy is so so wrong on so many levels. You have my commiserations OP.

Your dad seems so entrenched in his own vanity/ego- he literally cannot see this for what it is.

I would also snoop as much as possible on Tracy. Any info you have on her - make a diary and log it all down so you have tangible evidence. Team up with your brother to decide best collective action to take.

I think that's a good idea

This is just all so awful!!! I really don't know what I would do in your situation but the worry, frustration anger and confusion I would feel would drive me round the bend.

I don't have much advice but I am a retired cop and my suggestions are you report what you know as a possible suspicious incident. I wonder if perhaps a welfare check would be of any use or would it inflame things? I think as a cop I'd be going around saying it was an anonymous welfare check and hopefully interview this woman to get some details off of her to make sure that there was no financial abuse going on.
Failing that I couldn't bear not knowing and if I had the means I would def get a PI involved. Could your brother help out with the cost?

This is awful Op.

I echo the suggestions of reporting to the police & asking their advice. We had similar with my FIL and the police were great. Thankfully we got him to see sense in the end & got rid of his 'Tracy' but it was scary how quickly it all unfolded & she had moved in etc. Shocking!

Good luck & hope it all gets sorted for you.

I fear that by falling out with your dad you are giving Tracy exactly what she wanted - you out of the picture.

I would fake make up with him so you can keep a very close eye on her.

This.

Deffo speak to police /age concern.... /Cab...

I'd be very interested in any previous history this woman has... Your dad could be one of many targets she has...

You say you don't do social media... I'd change this..... Check Tracy's LinkedIn....( Only access this from an account that doesn't have your name /identifying details on it... I'd set up an account in a completely different name.... Tracey will have an alert saying... Jane X has searched for you on x date.

With Facebook you can also see whether you share any contacts.... See what she has on her Facebook.

My own dad was scammed some years ago... Was completely groomed by local dodgy gang who had previous form... They were NEVER around when I was... I didn't know for months (despite many visits from me...) - it was only when a neighbor warned me about these visitors that I became aware... I had no idea he'd be so daft to be taken in by them.

I thought about this a bit more last night.

Any normal person would be beyond mortified to have caused a rift between a family. I think you would automatically leave and allow space for the parents and adult child to chat - They certainly wouldn’t leave you to eat alone while skipping off with someone else’s parents or drive around in their car knowing they’ve caused upset.

Her behaviour is ringing huge alarm bells purely by not caring at the damage she is causing. Calling them mum/dad/daughter horrifies me.

Pushing you, your brother and their granddaughter away for a stranger would be unforgivable to me.

I think this is a good point.

But I'd probably be past caring by this point!

Yes, def PI.
the odds of a random lovely lady decides your DF and DM are wonderful family she never had -yet despite being lovely has no probs isolating them from their family - soooo suspect

Honestly I'd be doing major snooping and checks into her background. Image searching on Google etc

Sociopathic behaviour around the social media posts of her with your dad really makes me shudder.

Reminds me of cedric in season 1 of RHOBH

Your dad still cares about your daughter and their relationship. I'd be using this as an opportunity to keep a closer eye on them. Unfortunately it means only your daughter will need to invest her time in it but then again, this is family someone needs to take one for the team.

I would definitely entertain the idea of hiring a private investigator.

@Itllbealrightonthenight

I sympathize with your situation. Has there been anything new happening on that front?

Honestly, she seems to act like some "distant relatives" seem to act when a person gets up in years. They all of a sudden are there and they "care" and they want to help them pay bills, shop etc.

You are smart to be wary. My DH knows a guy who cosied up to an older couple. Started out being a general contractor, moved on to being around a lot, taking them to the doctor etc. They had other family, but not immediate. Funny enough, everything was left to him in the will, and it was in the millions. Luckily, the rest of the family did fight it, and he ended up having to share, which angered him to no end. He knew exactly what he was doing. To me, it's a type of grifting.