Parents new “friend”

[Itllbealrightonthenight]

I feel uncomfortable about my parents new friend, let’s call her Tracey.
My parents are in their early 60’s, both retired and have plenty of friends and family around them. Almost overnight this Tracey has become part of their everyday lives. Tracey is 26 and according to her, has crappy parents which is why my parents have taken her under their wing. She drives to their house for dinner several nights a week, goes shopping with them, goes to the gym with Dad 3 times a week. I met Tracey for the first time recently and she was pleasant enough but dismissive of me and made no effort to get to know me. I made a conscious effort to get to know her and make her feel welcome - because my parents have grown close to her. But she wasn’t interested and actually made me feel like the stranger in the situation. To my shock she repeatedly called my parents Mum and Dad. That made me feel really uncomfortable around her and I’m suspicious of how quickly she has formed this deep bond with my parents. I can’t help but question her motives. My parents have accepted her life story as she tells it- a neglected child. But the reality is she’s 26, an adult and my parents don’t actually know her yet. She lives with her Dad who she says isn’t supportive. Her mother is elsewhere and she too doesn’t have a good relationship with her. Apparently.
Im suspicious about her intentions and also peed off that she and my parents have totally disrespected me by allowing her to call them Mum and Dad. They’ve known eachother for 6 months!
Thoughts?

Having told your parents how uncomfortable it makes you (and presumably your sibling) feel, her calling them mum and dad, could you not ask them to think how they’d feel if one of them got a new ‘friend’ of the opposite sex who referred to them as their husband/wife, ‘hubby’ or ‘wifey’, whatever. I’m sure the other spouse would be feeling pretty uncomfortable, especially if that new friend purposefully excluded them and made them feel awkward in their presence. It’s a similar thing. They need to respect your feelings.

This all seems bizarre.

I'm not sure I find a 26 yo flirting with a 23 yo particularly alarming though.

Sounds like she overstepped but it's not weird to me she flirted with someone close to her age.

as worrying as this is, I find it really strange your parents are willing to make their child and grandchildren uncomfortable for the sake of someone they’ve known 6 months, I’d never do this to my child and listen to them,

It doesn't but that is why it would be completely pointless in this scenario.

So I would keep a really close eye on things and maybe record anything that seems odd? It sounds like she could be just very odd but also sounds like there could be early signs of her trying to exploit your parents? Do you know that she does work where she says?

With what you have already I doubt there is very much you can do but this may be helpful for you to have a think about things? If there is evidence then you can speak to police and ask to talk about an adult safeguarding concern.

https://www.scie.org.uk/safeguarding/adults/introduction/types-and-indicators-of-abuse/

Invite her real mum and dad and any siblings etc to the family bbq. I imagine that will go down like a shit sandwich for her.

this is very odd and you are right to be concerned

ask on her local town/city/village anonymously if anyone knows of her as you have a family photo or something to pass on be vague

google her, linked in etc

Dodgy indeed, don't take your eye off the ball. Your parents are older like my age & there are dodgy people out there. She is their friend for a reason but they actually have zero in common. Your right, go on Facebook find out anyone that knows her, most importantly try to find out if she is getting access to their accounts or cards, possibly go to their bank & discuss this with someone there, or talk to a police officer about your co cerns he may point you in the right direction. It's your parents you are responsible for them unlike when you were younger, I have just retired & early dementia plus a stroke 3 weeks ago, my kids care for me & take me out but most important look out for anything wrong. Do it today.

I’d do this, too. Quite different circs, but I did once employ private investigators to find an absentee freeholder who’d apparently vanished off the face of the earth. He was only 3 miles away, living under another name because of debts.
They took less than a week to track him down. Worth every penny.

This is difficult but quite easy solution. You need to form a army of people who care and who are willing to go there and watch. This kind if financial abuse can happen in plain sight. Someone needs to mark Tracys card too. Tell Tracy ( while youre both alone)" If you are planning to visit you need to run it by me ." Just be a thorn in the side of Tracy!!!!!! There are no community services that will monitor this for you . I have personal experience of this with s close friend. Believe it or not local drug addicts were able to infiltrate my friends trust, move into his house, give him drugs and alcohol and get him to hand over huge amounts of his civil service persion every week. All while he was not Eating properly, or Heating his home. In his case his grown up son was not interested in intervening. So just keep showing up. And if poss, keep eye on Bank balance. Very important watch bank balance. Tell Tracy " Im checking all financial transaction in this house. Theres no reason why Tracy would hang out with a married couple its suspicious. Find out if Tracy is forcing Alcohol on them. Red Flag !!!!!!!! Tell Tracy parents are not allowed Alcohol for health reasons. Override any decisions already made. If necessary get a restraining order on Tracy. Inform the Authorities so you have leverage on restraining order. You wont regret it.

The parents are atriculate intelligent people - they would laugh at the OP quizzing them about bank accounts etc

Sorry OP, my response is not directly relevant to you.

It’s really important to set up POAs well before they are needed. We are in our 50s and setting them up now. DH and I are each other’s primary attorney and the DC are replacements in case something happens to the other one. The Health one can only be used if we lose capacity, the finance and property one can be used while we have capacity but only with our permission.

When my sister was in hospital earlier this year very ill, thankfully she had capacity but it made us realise that her husband would have actually had no official say in her care without a POA. That is what has prompted us to get them done and out of the way now.

You make an important point about the health POA (which I know isn't relevant to this thread, but still).

When I made my will a couple of years ago, I asked about POA then and the solicitor told me that several clients had told her that during the pandemic, when their relatives were admitted to hospital, the first thing they were asked was if they had POA. And then if they said no, they felt that DNR was just assumed. Of course this is always the doctor's decision, but having the medical/health POA gives you the right to be consulted at least.

My mother died in April 2020 in hospital of Covid. They would not put her on a ventilator due to her age and they made it very clear to me on the phone that these decisions (and others) were up to them, and they were just informing me. Basically they said that she was going to die and they weren't prepared to do any more. At that point one of us was allowed to go and see her for an hour - it couldn't be me because I had covid myself (from trying to look after her) and was quite ill. My brother went but he had to go after the hour was up and she died about 20 minutes later, no family. So this has stayed with me obviously and I decided then and there to get POA sorted out. It might well have made no difference to the outcome, but I would have been consulted.

The problem is whilst on paper the parents aren’t vulnerable, if they have recently retired then there is a vulnerability- their whole lifestyle has changed … work friends etc. That is what makes them vulnerable - and having a younger friend will mean they (maybe subconsciously) will feel they are younger than they are

Dd3 did one of herself and it came up with her dad!

So very sorry to hear that, it's awful and do hope your story helps someone else. I set my mum POA up with her in 2020 due to covid, was never needed, as she passed very suddenly earlier this year.

Sorry to be dramatic but it makes me think of this case as I listened to a podcast about it recently

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-68557589.amp

Are you Tracey?

You need to speak to your parents and loop the rest of the family in on this Tracy especially if your Father is talking about changing his Will she sounds like a con artist do so online digging like others have said and also find her Dad but definitely get the rest of your family involved Good luck OP

Thanks for all the shared experiences, it’s both comforting and disturbing at the same time.

Update: “Tracey” has just had my parents dates of birth tattooed on her arm. I don’t have social media but my daughter does, she told me that my Dad has shared Tracey’s post and added a hashtag of proud dad.

Last week both Tracey and my Dad shared on instagram screens shots of their messages to eachother. The exchange went something like this:

Tracey: Are you planning on washing Mums car this week?

My Dad: Bring it round whenever you want darling.

Tracey: You could grab it when I’m at work tomorrow.

My Dad then posted a photograph of her car (minus the reg) in his garage with some text along the lines of “Despite my moaning, of course I did it. She always gets her own way.”

The publishing of their friendship online makes me think they’re both seeking validation. And this gives me sympathy towards them. To an extent. I also feel she’s a cheeky mare and he’s an old fool. There’s clearly a mutual need that’s being met and that’s between them. What doesn’t sit well with me is that my Dad doesn’t show the same enthusiasm for his actually family. They seem to be in a bubble of love bombing eachother with no awareness or consideration of how this intense and rapid bond is not inclusive. Not to mention totally bizarre.

I don’t believe my Mum has much of a part to play in it, she goes along with whatever makes my Dad happy.

Im losing respect for my Dad because his judgement seems so uncharacteristically off. His prioritisation and almost obsession with this young woman makes me feel disappointed and suspicious of both of them.

I don’t know the intentions of this young woman but my Dad isn’t someone who needs protecting. Nor would he allow it. Hes an intelligent man that makes his own decisions. I feel at this stage to back off and hope the intensity of their friendship means it burns out as quick as it began.

This sounds absolutely unhinged! I have no advice but I don't think I could sit and watch my parent emotionally adopt an adult into the family to this extent.

As much as you say your dad is intelligent and doesn't need protecting...this all sounds too much like a con or mental illness.

Dramatic? Perish the thought.

OP do you think they're pranking or trolling you?

It does sound a very stagey kind of bizarre. Especially putting messages on social media.

That is utterly insane to the point it surely can't be true.
Is it some kind of a happening in plain sight affair that is based on some revolting daddy fetish.

Surely your parents wider friends and family are seriously concerned too, they must be the talk of the town.
🤢

Why haven't you followed her home in your car?

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if you have already said this but have you found out where she works?

So if she posted on Instagram then have you searched her other friends?

How sure are you that she isn't his actual daughter from an affair?