Parents new “friend”

[Itllbealrightonthenight]

I feel uncomfortable about my parents new friend, let’s call her Tracey.
My parents are in their early 60’s, both retired and have plenty of friends and family around them. Almost overnight this Tracey has become part of their everyday lives. Tracey is 26 and according to her, has crappy parents which is why my parents have taken her under their wing. She drives to their house for dinner several nights a week, goes shopping with them, goes to the gym with Dad 3 times a week. I met Tracey for the first time recently and she was pleasant enough but dismissive of me and made no effort to get to know me. I made a conscious effort to get to know her and make her feel welcome - because my parents have grown close to her. But she wasn’t interested and actually made me feel like the stranger in the situation. To my shock she repeatedly called my parents Mum and Dad. That made me feel really uncomfortable around her and I’m suspicious of how quickly she has formed this deep bond with my parents. I can’t help but question her motives. My parents have accepted her life story as she tells it- a neglected child. But the reality is she’s 26, an adult and my parents don’t actually know her yet. She lives with her Dad who she says isn’t supportive. Her mother is elsewhere and she too doesn’t have a good relationship with her. Apparently.
Im suspicious about her intentions and also peed off that she and my parents have totally disrespected me by allowing her to call them Mum and Dad. They’ve known eachother for 6 months!
Thoughts?

Wow this is messed up op I don't even know what to say! I hope he sees the light

Wow, this is so strange, this must be souls destroying, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your dad sounds narcissistic. My parents did the same but it was with a sibling, it was still very odd though and the dynamic of my family isn’t the same, I can’t imagine how you feel x

It’s looking like he really couldn’t give a toss about all of his family whatsoever- OP, her brother, her daughter and, if she dared speak out, also his wife.

This must be seriously frustrating for you OP. What a nightmare.
I think I’d be doing some digging to find out a lot more about Tracey. I don’t buy that she’s being manipulated by your Dad for a second though I do think they’re well suited. I feel sorry for your mum and she probably does need her interests protecting because it seems he will stop at nothing to continue this relationship with Tracey 🥺

My DC doesn't fit my IL ideals so basically is non-contact with them. IL lost interest anyway when DC started to question them - at about aged nine 😂

"There's no fool like an old fool". Your Dad is enjoying someone petting him and telling him he's amazing. I'd be sowing the seed in your Mum's head that Tracey might end up replacing her - not necessarily sexually but as your Dad's main focus. Because it's true.

Unfortunately there's not much you can do - your Dad has to realise he's being played by himself. Any suggestions on your part will be seen as interference and make you the problem. Your Mum might make him realise but otherwise it will be seen as jealousy. Hopefully something will happen to bring it all to a climax.

I'm sorry you are so hurt OP but can I explain my experience to maybe give you a different perspective.

I'm in my mid 60s and have only ever had 2 or 3 close friends in my life but have a very good female friend (best friend) less than half my age, we'll call her Kerry. I also have sons and daughters with my youngest child being slightly older than Kerry.

We met a few years ago through work and just clicked. She makes me laugh, we share lots of interests and are on the same wavelength about so many things. In return I also make her laugh and I think she values having someone older to turn to when she has ups and downs.

I 100% trust her and know I could rely on her in an emergency and I'm sure she would say the same.

Because of the age difference she also calls me 'Mum' and has sent me Mothers Day cards (her mother died when she was a child)

My relationship with Kerry is different to the relationship I have with my children and knowing Kerry doesn't mean I love my own family any less but I do seem to message and chat to Kerry more than I do my own children. Also like your father I would absolutely want to include her in any inheritance although I haven't got round to changing anything yet.

Unlike your father, I am aware that my children could find my friendship with Kerry threatening so I don't go out of my way to relay much about Kerry back to them although from the little they know they think it's strange that I get on so well with someone so young.

In my case geography means my children are unlikely to meet Kerry and as she is very different to my own kids I'm sure she would find them intimidating if she ever did bump into them. In return they would probably find her a little 'rough around the edges' (that sounds an awful expression but I can't think of a better way of putting it) and would not understand why we are so close.

I really value my friendship with Kerry and would be heartbroken if I ever had to chose between my children and Kerry. She definitely adds something to my life that I don't get from my family in much the same way any close friendship would.

In my case no one is abusing or manipulating anyone and neither Kerry or I have any sinister motives for maintaining the relationship other than we both find it beneficial, can chat for hours and enjoy each others company. Could your father's relationship with Tracy be similar?

I agree with PP who mentioned that this will come to a climax. When your DF went to see the 'man about a dog' with Tracey, I suppose there was no suggestion of your mum going too?
Maybe Christmas will be the time it all comes to a head. I'd make it non negotiable that if you are to spend any time together as a family it's without Tracey. Get your brother on board too - wouldn't it be nice to see a big Christmas get together of your and your siblings families? And if your DF won't come if Tracey isn't invited - fine, but I'd be posting photos of the 'happy family Christmas' all over any family WhatsApp group. I suspect your DM is uncomfortable about the relationship and is trying to tread a careful line.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience and what sounds like a healthy friendship. Age gaps don’t really matter, especially in same sex friendships I’d say. My own best friend is 10 years older than me and we met at work 2 decades ago. You mentioned you’ve known Kerry for a few years and I think that highlights a key difference between your friendship with Kerry and my Dads with Tracey. My Dads friendship is in its infancy but is very intense and crucially is driving a wedge between his actual family. The issue isn’t him having a new friend, it’s that his friendship is at the expense of his family. No matter his new friends age, or gender. If he was hanging out with a group of guys playing golf, we’d still be feeling sidelined and hurt by his prioritisation of the golf lads. Your situation thankfully isn’t the same in this respect. You seem like a lovely person and aware of the sensitivities of introducing Kerry to your children as a surrogate daughter. I’m sure you’d ensure your children felt loved and not sidelined by your friendship, you may reassure your children of what you said above, that you don’t love them any less. You and Kerry would probably refrain from calling eachother Mum and daughter, not that any parent apart from my Dad, addresses their “child” by anything other than their Christian name. Crucially in my situation, which I think differs from yours is, that Tracey receives privileges that his own children do not. The major difference is you genuinely care about your children and their feelings.
This next part is not directly in response to you, I’ve been thinking a lot about it today and I’d like to share my thoughts some more.
That Sunday afternoon was an opportunity for my Dad to LISTEN to us, to see things from our perspective. That his relationship with Tracey has replaced us and that’s not fair. It’s not how a decent father should treat his family. If Tracey truly believed he’s such a fantastic father figure, surely overhearing our concerns would ring alarm bells for her. That was a window into the real him and any emotionally intelligent young woman would see the contradiction and be wary. Yet her response to that has been to share public displays of their bond “If you havent got yourself a Dad like xxxxxx you are missing out. But you cant have mine”. That is sending a very clear message that she couldn’t give two hoots about how her “Dad” is treating his actual family. Infact I see it as gloating to hurt us further. Anyone that comes into our lives should enhance the relationships we already have, especially family. Not come between them. In the same way that a single parent would say to a new partner that they come as package and their children will always be one of their priorities. A new partner wouldn’t replace their children. Friendships, relationships and family should be inclusive. Granted some people rub along better than others but there’s nothing more important than family and I’m deeply wounded at my Dads flippant discard of us all. Frankly, Tracey is welcome to him, I’d rather not beg for the support of my father, I’ll invest my energy elsewhere. I’ll reciprocate his effort which is exactly zero. Thankfully that means that I don’t have to communicate with the creep.
I’m pretty miffed at the moment. Can you tell?!

"My daughter told me Grandad said he was adding Tracey to the will. Or words to that effect."

There is nothing normal about changing your will so quickly just because a new friend has appeared on the scene. So Tracey must have somehow manipulated him into doing so. How many people on here change their wills because some (genuinely!) fab new friend has come into their lives?

Of course, I would be more concerned right now about money gifts already being made.

Your story makes me sick to the stomach for you. It is like one of those creepy Netflix or BBC series (I remember the horrible churchgoer who "married" a man, befriended a female neighbour).

This Tracey must have form for this sort of thing. There must be a similar story in her past, which you and your brother are going to have to find out. I think you also have to be there for your mother, because Tracey is obviously the sort of person who, rather like a cult organisation, works on separating established family units. So she has separated your parents from the rest: now she will work on your dad.

I would try to point this out to your mother, because if you can successfully "predict" the future, she will be more inclined to get onside with you. At the same time, I think you are going to have to try and hire a private detective to dig around in Tracey's past. It is highly doubtful she has just become like this and not done similar things in the past. The way she operates, it is clear that she must have left a trail of broken relationships/families in her wake before.

I am sure we all want to help you very much, and I genuinely hope some other posters can make really useful contributions to help you. xxx

Actually, very similar to Apples Never Fall which started on BBC1 on Saturday night. I binge watched all seven episodes on iplayer. It is set in Palm Beach though so not a gritty Northern town.

@PrincessOlga
Thank you for being supportive and for your words of advice.
I know the show you’re talking about, I watched it after a lady on here recommended it. I’ve been trying to research the psychology/behaviour of these insidious characters to see if there are any early parallels. Do you know the term for them? It’s not cuckoo’ing as previously suggested.
I’ve tried and failed to find out more about her but unless I directly contact people and tell them who I am, I’m not sure I can gather much info. I’m worried that if I do make contact with her friends or family, it will be end up fruitless and inflame the situation further. A PI is clearly an option but I’m dubious to instruct one. And I think that’s because I feel like it might be an over reaction. The situation feels like a nightmare and I’m struggling to accept this could be the start of something more sinister.

“If you havent got yourself a Dad like xxxxxx you are missing out. But you cant have mine”

This sounds sociopathic, in the context.

Have you the means to hire a private investigator? Or even a friend or two who could follow her, and get her addresss? Definitely talk with the police; this could well be financial fraud or elder abuse. They might be able to look up her record, if any.

Do you think they are giving her money? Why the hell does she need an office in their home?

A PI is definitely not an over-reaction if you can afford it.

Even if Tracey were pleasant, I'd still want to know more about this mysterious person who is suddenly central to their lives. The fact that she ignores you and won't speak to you is very sinister.

Just tell the investigator that the family is concerned about the situation, and wants to know more about Tracey and what her past is about. Maybe she's splitting her time between two or more "Dads" and spy photos of that would jar your parents out of this trance, who knows.

Are you sure it's not a romantic relationship with your Dad, right under your mother's nose?

@TonTonMacoute
I suggest you delete your aggressive post and refrain from contributing again.

@BettyBardMacDonald
I could hire an investigator. Is it legal?
I intend to contact the police and ask for their advice, I can’t see the harm, particularly as my parents and Tracey will be none the wiser.
I don’t know for sure if my parents are giving her money but I have reason to believe they are. My Mum told me my Dad insured Tracey on his car and that he was shocked that it was more than twice the cost of insuring himself on it. I also have a hunch that her PT course is being funded by my Dad and that’s why she’s studying at their house. It’s the type of thing he used to do for my daughter to get her to A) spend more time at their house
B) For the adulation.

Just bizarre. I would be beside myself.

My mother was always one to get smitten with any sort of novelty; I used to be jealous of the way she latched onto friends but was indifferent to us. She latched on to one woman my age and eventually persuaded me to recommend the woman for a job where I worked. She was hired and being a prettier, more outgoing type, completely eclipsed me in my own workplace. No good deed goes unpunished. I know mom gave her money, etc.

But it was not to this degree and eventually "Sarah" snatched up a high earner husband who worked for the oil industry and went off to "live the dream" in the US. Good riddance. She definitely was manipulative. Once she e-mailed me accidentally when she meant to write to a close friend; the tone of "voice" and content were so different than the "poor little woe is me" act she always put on for my mother and me.

sorry duplicate

@Itllbealrightonthenight I have much older and much younger friends. One lady said I am like a daughter to her. I feel close to her, but I am careful to maintain appropriate boundaries. If she ever left me anything I’d be checking with her kids whether they were ok with it or not. I would not be weedling my way in and playing cuckoo in the nest, which seems to be happening from what you tell us. To be clear, my friends are exactly that and I’d be mortified if anyone thought I was after money etc.

I would ring the non-emergency police line. They were really helpful when I was worried about my parents being befriended recently. They are in their eighties and had some work done on the house. The builder asked them to show him round as it was so ‘interesting’ which they did. Then he started popping in for cups of tea. I made my parents promise not to give him any more work he may suggest, but they said he was just being friendly.

I Turned up unexpectedly when he was there and he made excuses and left quickly. The next time he turned up my brother was visiting and answered the door. Alarm bells rang when he told my brother he didn’t want to disturb the family, even though my parents were saying there was no problem, he was a friend now etc. but he said he’d come back when they were on their own and asked when that would be.

my parents have no cognitive decline, but are very gullible. And had already shown this man every room in their house. I logged it with the police as they are considered vulnerable and they gave me a personal number to call if he turned up again, and said they would do checks on him in the background. I don’t know if they found anything or just warned him off, but he didn’t come back for his next visit, and my parents haven’t seen him since.

They have no idea I called the police and would be really annoyed if they ever found out. They just don’t understand why their new ‘friend’ suddenly dropped them.

I think if you did similar you may find the police are interested due to your parents age and perceived vulnerability. They need never know you made the call, and if there is anything in Tracey’s background it will be flagged up. If not, at least there will be a record of your concerns and a reference number for you or any of your family to use in the future to add any further information or concerns to.

Good luck. It’s hard to go behind your parents back, but better than living with regret if something happens.

"Age and perceived vulnerability"?

The OP's parents are in their early 60s.

I hope you don't mind but a few more thoughts from me,

Although it was a few years ago I met Kerry we clicked very quickly and I would have described her as a close friend within a few weeks. I was then in my 60s whilst she was in her 20s

I agree that age gaps shouldn't matter in friendships but I was aware early on that my children would naturally feel threatened by me having a close friendship with someone who was nearer their age than mine so I have kept the friendship and family in two separate boxes. That could be viewed as me being secretive about my friendship

Knowing Kerry's life story and knowing she didn't have the same opportunities and advantages my children had growing up I have helped her financially and did that fairly early on in our friendship. She never asked for it and I always had to insist but it was something I wanted to do. If my children knew I imagine they might conclude that I'd been manipulated in some way or maybe they'd be angry with me.

I agree your father has been incredibly insensitive. Yes everyone male and female should always put their existing families first but maybe your father thinks you have grown up just fine and you don't need him any more? You don't need to read many posts on Mumsnet to realise how many men don't prioritise their families if when they still have young children. I'm certainly nor saying it's right but sadly it is the case for many fathers.

I'm guessing throwing the remote shows your father is upset by the conflict although I don't think it's the best way to show you how much he cares.

You say, "The issue isn’t him having a new friend, it’s that his friendship is at the expense of his family. No matter his new friends age, or gender. If he was hanging out with a group of guys playing golf, we’d still be feeling sidelined and hurt by his prioritisation of the golf lads." I can understand that but it shows it's not just about his choice of friend.

From what you have written the scenario as I see it is something like this,

Your father is retired and has lots of time on his hands and your mother isn't able to share his hobbies and interests as she is tied up with caring responsibilities whilst his children and grandchildren have grown up and have got their own lives. He has met a young girl who isn't particularly mature but she shares his interests. She is genuinely interested and will listen for hours whilst he discusses his car and his training in the gym. Granted putting her on the insurance was again insensitive but I assume he would say that you've never expressed an interest in his car or appreciate how high spec it is. That's not a criticism of you, my eyes always glaze over within minutes when men want an in depth discussion about their car.

Anyway your father obviously gets a lot from Tracey and to his credit he hasn't been secretive about her. He has also involved your mother in this friendship which I feel is important.

I guess you all need to work through how he can balance his friendship with Tracey with the families feelings of being sidelined.

Of course I could be completely wrong and Tracey is actually a psychopathic manipulative killer from a Net flicks drama.

I genuinely wish you all luck in getting through this.

Your parents are early 60’s, and wouldn’t be seen as vulnerable by any agency.. They have chosen to have this woman in their lives, whatever you think.

It’s sad, but at their ages, it’s their choice.

This does not sound like a real story. The parents are in their 60s and BOTH agree to changing their Will? They would need to be proper idiots. Does not ring true.

I would be more likely to believe it is an affair between df and T.

This is really bizarre and you are right to be worried. It’s odd that she doesn’t want to get to know her new ‘siblings’ but wants your parents all to herself.