Parents new “friend”

[Itllbealrightonthenight]

I feel uncomfortable about my parents new friend, let’s call her Tracey.
My parents are in their early 60’s, both retired and have plenty of friends and family around them. Almost overnight this Tracey has become part of their everyday lives. Tracey is 26 and according to her, has crappy parents which is why my parents have taken her under their wing. She drives to their house for dinner several nights a week, goes shopping with them, goes to the gym with Dad 3 times a week. I met Tracey for the first time recently and she was pleasant enough but dismissive of me and made no effort to get to know me. I made a conscious effort to get to know her and make her feel welcome - because my parents have grown close to her. But she wasn’t interested and actually made me feel like the stranger in the situation. To my shock she repeatedly called my parents Mum and Dad. That made me feel really uncomfortable around her and I’m suspicious of how quickly she has formed this deep bond with my parents. I can’t help but question her motives. My parents have accepted her life story as she tells it- a neglected child. But the reality is she’s 26, an adult and my parents don’t actually know her yet. She lives with her Dad who she says isn’t supportive. Her mother is elsewhere and she too doesn’t have a good relationship with her. Apparently.
Im suspicious about her intentions and also peed off that she and my parents have totally disrespected me by allowing her to call them Mum and Dad. They’ve known eachother for 6 months!
Thoughts?

I sadly think that your parents are now so deep in her grip that they're past trying to communicate with over this. What will be will be, but I would kiss goodbye to any inheritance.

is it worth contacting the police re Tracey, just in case she has previous form for this? It seems like the police do recognise it as a problem.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cpd9gx8774yo.amp

This.

Elder abuse?

They are early 60s!

Sounds more like Dad is a fool who is easily flattered!

Edited for spelling.

This all seems very unlikely.

You say your Dad uses social media- but you don't.

Does he know you've seen the tatts?

Have you seen them in real life?

@Itllbealrightonthenight Not read every single post from you but is it not possible for you to talk to Tracey and express your concerns?

My parents are much older than yours but if this was happening I'd not hesitate to create a situation where I was able to talk to T on her own and just say I was worried about how her friendship was developing, especially now she's had their DOBs tattooed on her arm.

You seem to be a bit of a passive bystander in it .

You are right to be concerned.
Your father sounds like an easily manipulated, unhinged idiot with a bit of a crush.

That feed is beyond cringe.
The tattoos are too.

I would consider doing a background check on her, if not too expensive.

Your father is deeply cringe but her intentions are not honest.

My father in law (widower) fell for a woman 30 years his junior. She sponged off him for 15 years and he was putty in her hands. When he died, she really showed her teeth to us, his family. We had kept up the visits and included him in everything but all conversation came back to her. Please, please do something or get some sort of advice. Personally, I would report your father as a vulnerable individual and just keep asking your mum how things are going. Could you get her onside? No good will come of it for anyone because it looks as if he is totally in for the ride.

Sorry, forgot to add. Please keep a diary with times, dates and even photograph what goes on line. You may need it in a legal case in time to come.

How are things lately OP?

Any updates?

I'm concerned there's no updates. I understand the op may have other things going on but to be prolifically posted to nothing... hmm

Where to start.
My Dad and I are barely speaking at the moment. A few weeks back I tried to have a heart to heart with my parents about the whole situation. I expressed my concerns about them being exploited in some way and also my sadness at our family’s demotion in their lives as a result of their new friendship. I visited my parents at their home for some moral support because Im feeling a bit blue. Surprise surprise, when I arrive, my parents are sat at the dinner table with Tracey having a roast dinner. My mum said there was plenty in the kitchen so I helped myself and sat at the table, by which point they’d all finished and gone to the lounge. Tracey didn’t even acknowledge me when I came in, avoided eye contact and continued her conversation as if I were invisible. So I sat at the table eating alone while they all chatted and laughed. My Mum did come and ask me how I was. I was very tearful and I told her that I wasn’t feeling great mentally. She quietly comforted me and we had a brief chat before my Dad came into the dining room and said “You can tell your Daughter I’m not happy with her.” He went on to explain (complain) that he was peeved my daughter hadn’t been to visit him on his birthday. For the record, none of the family paid him a visit because we can’t stand being in Tracey’s obnoxious company. I told my Dad to speak to my daughter about why she didn’t visit. Note that he didn’t take issue with anyone else. My daughter has always been his little princess, he’s showered her with affection, compliments, favours, etc. She has always visited and not once did taken her to the park when she was little and since growing up he’s never popped into her flat. Now that she is grown up, has a boyfriend and works full time, she naturally doesn’t spend as much time with my parents. My Dad loved being adored by my daughter and his charms are no longer as effective. Partly because he doesn’t make any effort to visit her (or anyone) and also because she’s a beautiful young adult with her own life who enjoys spending time with her many friends and wider family. He seems to think that everyone should put him on a pedestal. Cue Tracey to fill the void. Passive aggressive attitude, if you don’t worship me, I’ll find someone who does. It’s not reasonable to expect us all to fawn over him.
Anyway, back to the dinner table. After telling my Dad to speak with my daughter about her reasons for not visiting him on his birthday, in walks Tracey and says she’s off to see a man about a dog, literally. My Dad says, “wait there, I’ll come with you”. He totally ignored the fact that I was crying and left the house with his “daughter” Tracey.
I told my mum that Dads behaviour and attitude were hurtful. I explained my sadness at being replaced by a stranger, Tracey. At a time when I need my parents, they’re busy prioritising their new “daughter”. My Mum told me that she’s a nice woman and she’d been there for them when nobody else was. I took issue with this, how are we to support them if they don’t tell us? She also said that my Dad is the driving force behind it all and that we should all be supportive of his relationship with Tracey because he sees her as his daughter. In walks my brother and asks what’s going on. He also said to my Mum he thinks the situation odd. Fast forward half an hour, we’re all crying and we’re getting nowhere. My brother and I leave to go to the local pub and as we’re walking down the road, we see our Dads car driving towards us. We stop, Dad stops and winds down the window. Only it’s not Dad in the driving seat, it’s Tracey. My Dads Landrover is his pride and joy and he has never allowed anyone to drive it. We’ve since found out he’s insured Tracey on it. Despite the fact she’s got a nice car car herself. There wasn’t much of an exchange because my brother refuses to engage with Tracey. We stayed in the pub for one and walked back to my parents. I confronted my Dad - which I had to do in front of Tracey. My mum completely changed her tune and their collective response was “if you don’t like it, lump it”.
Since then my Dad has blocked my daughter on instagram but we can still see Tracey’s stories which are littered with Dad and Daughter posts. My daughter texted my Dad to ask why she’s been blocked and in short he replied “because your Mums got a bee in her bonnet about my relationship with Tracey. She’s a part of my life and I don’t have to explain it. I want to keep the peace so it’s better you don’t show your mum my instagram posts. If you do want me to unlock you, what you see has to be strictly between you and I”.
The latest that we’ve been able to see on Tracey’s account (which is public) was a selfie of them both and a caption that read “If you havent got yourself a Dad like xxxxxxx you are missing out. But you cant have mine”.
I am beyond upset and working on trying to accept that my Dad isn’t the person I thought he was. There’s no fool like an old fool….

Your father reads as a vain tool.
Sorry OP, but I think you are just going to have to leave them to it.
I wouldn't be going near them.

Still very odd especially if he is going around openly saying he sees Tracey as his daughter. She hasn’t moved in has she?

No, she hasn’t moved in. Yet. But she has turned my parents spare bedroom into her office, she’s studying for a PT qualification.

I'm sorry OP.

It sounds like she is feeding your Dad's ego so much that he isn't willing to see how bizarre the whole situation is. She's driving his fancy car and has claimed a room in their home?! It's beyond normal.

But if he or your mum won't listen I'm not sure what you can do.

Personally I'd perhaps ask the police for advice and if you can log it as a concern, as well as doing the same with adult social care. Even if they insist they can't do anything I'd still ask they make a note of it, as this isn't going to go away or get better any time soon.

In terms of your mum, it sounds like she knows if she rocks the boat she will be ousted from his favour too. I can't fathom how she can go along with this charade but I suspect if she thinks about it too much she will realise she is very very vulnerable and it's only being in his good books that's she's still part of this shit show, and not cast aside. 😔 He's callous enough to fall out with his kids and grandkids over this, I can't see him not holding your mum to the same standards. It's a gamble for her though because whether she stays or goes either way she's in a shittier situation than she was before this woman came on the scene.

Do your Mum and Dad have any close friends that you are friendly with too? I would try and speak to them (if they have friends) to see if they have concerns too. It's seems so strange that both your parents are willing to cut you off for this woman who has only just come into their lives recently.

Gosh this such an odd situation, really feeling for you. What can be done ? Is she doing anything dodgy financially ? Do any of you have power of attorney or have recently seen a will ? Could you speak with a solicitor on the off chance that they could provide some information? If you can't get anywhere then yes you have no choice but to walk away. Maybe you all completely ignoring them might send a clearer message to your dad ?

You're dad isn't just a vain fool he's nasty with it & your mum not much better.

I'd leave them to it.

Thanks so much for your very supportive post. I completely agree with everything you’ve said. Since that Sunday afternoon my Mum and I have been in touch most days. She did mention Dad threw the remote at the TV after we left, but she didn’t really elaborate. I can imagine that he wasn’t very nice to her. You’re absolutely correct when you describe the predicament she must be in. My Husband and I have spoken about how stuck she must feel because if they go their separate ways and sell the house, neither of them will be in a financial position to buy separate homes. It just won’t stretch. I said to my husband that I’d rather live in a caravan than be in a controlling marriage. Her parents (my grandparents) are both dying and they are declining rapidly. She does the lions share of caring for them and is understandably finding it a difficult time. Add my Dads bizarre new “friendship” to the mix, she must be feeling completely trapped and alone. Though I am outraged by my Dads behaviour, I have to consider how me going in all guns blazing will ultimately hurt my Mum and make her life even more difficult.

I was just reading up on Narcissistic Grandparents and I quote “When grandchildren don’t meet their requirements, they discard and act as if they never existed”. Pretty accurate in our scenario.

Could you do any digging on tracey to see if she's done similar shit before?

Playing Devil's Advocate.. If you think your dad is a narcissist and controlling could Tracey actually be the vulnerable one in all this??

You raise a very valid question. She doesn’t strike me as the vulnerable type but I don’t actually know her and she may well be falling prey to my Dads charms - I’m clueless as to what his intentions are. I need to consider this more. Thanks so much for adding balance to the discussion.

I think you might just have sown a seed with your mum, but it may take a while for it to come to fruition.

Could you persuade her to seek further help from outside sources? I would start with a solicitor to make sure she can protect her share of any joint assets from being given to Tracey?

Tracey is a parasite, she has struck paydirt with your DF, who is lapping up all the fuss and attention. That relationship is only going to end when he realises he will lose all his other family and half his house, but you will obviously have to be much more gentle and subtle than that.