To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

If you aren’t using proper contraception and you are having sex you are planning to have a baby. Trying for a baby doesn’t mean you have to map out ovulation times and test every 30 seconds (unless you have had problems conceiving). Sperm don’t know that you have planned it out like a military procedure v shagging up an alleyway with some dude you just met

I don't know what everyone's problem on here is and why your getting a hard time. I got pregnant with my youngest from him pulling out last minute. Good luck op

I didn’t get pregnant using the pull out method for 3 years and it took 8 months of trying, tracking ovulation etc before I became pregnant. I would talk with you partner about when you want to start officially trying. My partner wasn’t ready when I was so we waited until he was, but all depends on your age, health, how many kids you want etc. sounds like you and partner aren’t on the same page yet maybe? I would discuss it again with him and put a time in the diary for when to start trying x

A man getting a woman drunk so she can’t consent, with the intention of ejeculating inside her is rape.

The law hasn’t caught up for female to male but it is certainly severe sexual assault.

Which is why it's a bit weird that he won't try properly now

(FWIW I'm of the camp that thinks having sex without contraception is trying for a baby).

My concern for you is that he wants to wait, even though your doctor has advised you to try now, for administrative convenience. Does he realise that waiting might mean it's (more)difficult, expensive, heartbreaking and logistically complicated to get pregnant, if you manage it at all? And that's just for the first child.

A conception following unprotected sex isn’t a “whoopsie” and that’s a very childish description and not a rational description of a process which hopefully leads to making a person.

You’re using this “method” to kid yourself you’re compromising rather than being stalled and the reason you’re so defensive is you know he’s not on the same page but you’re pretending you’re okay with it.

Posts like this go some way to explaining the number of infertile women who claim to have surprise babies - they self diagnosed the infertility and were having normal sex which led to pregnancy. No mystery after all.

We've successfully used the withdrawal for 18 years after dc3, I get pregnant relatively easily when actively trying ie not withdrawing.
My uneducated guess of an opinion is that you might not get pregnant easily using withdrawal if there are fertility issues - however you also might get pregnant no one knows.

Apart from the madness of all this - 2 things

1. How is giving your age identifying?? 🤔🤔🤣🤣
2. Your dh knows you’ve posted this and is interested to see how effective the withdrawal method is …. bet your boots he’ll be using condoms from now 😉

Sorry, OP. Your relationship is anything but healthy if this is how you both go about the possibility of becoming parents.

I agree with the poster who says that the decision to emigrate when the baby is two and you know that the relationship is strong is a good one.

I was in a situation like this, me the european, my x the british person and when i returned to my home with the babies , he tried to have me returned to the uk, as in ordered to return them to their ''habitual domicile''. You might be reading this thinking well oh yeh, proper order, you took his children, but not being married to him, and being financially dependent on him, I asked him if we could split up. He said no. I asked if I could get a job. He wouldn't take on any of the childcare, he wouldn't allow me to work. I was so trapped. I told him 'this' could not continue and he needed to figure out how we were going to split up. He just kept insisting that we weren't splitting up but also, nothing could every CHANGE.

When he said he wouldn't help me (us) split up, I had no choice but return home. And that's when he got legal. I was ''lucky'' so I was told. The barrister hired by my local solicitor told me that it was the first instance he had seen in a while where the judge had not just said APPLY THE HAGUE CONVENTION. he glanced at the details and saw that I had been cut off financially, that the toddlers had not been linked in to any services in the uk but were already having services (assessments) in my country, that in my country they had grandparents. Most traumatic time of my life to be abused through the courts like that.

I think you both need to decide one way or another really.

Both my children were planned. I tell them that.

It's sounds like your children might be irresponsible accidents.

Just get on top and don't jump off 😂 the urges to be a mother can be extremely strong! If ye are as happy and stable as you say ye are then he will probably be delighted, alot of men are probably just scared to make the jump into fatherhood because it's new

A recipe for disaster, OP. He doesn’t want a baby now but would be happy if you fell pregnant by accident? I don’t believe it. Men who say that only say it because they think it definitely won’t happen. He thinks that he’s in control because he can pull out and control things, so he’s happy to use this method, and has told you he’d be fine with a pregnancy now - because he thinks it won’t happen!

He’s saying this to appease you, but in his head he’s thinking that he’ll pull out well before he ejaculates and make sure none of his sperm get in you. So, to him, it’s an easy ‘compromise’. You, however, have grasped this ‘compromise’ because you’re desperate for a baby and will take any chance you can no matter how small.

If you’re only emigrating to Scandinavia, why does that matter? Why do you have to wait to years to try because you’re emigrating? I wouldn’t call such a small move emigrating at all. He’s making excuses.

i don’t quite understand your thinking either. If you want to have a better chance of a pregnancy, you could agree to take the Pill, then have an ‘accident’. (Not saying this is right, of course, because it’s not) It’s like you’re both playing at things, but this is a serious decision. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like either of you understand how much work a baby is or are mature enough to make plans together. It’s pointless asking here whether the withdrawal method worked for others. There are far too many variables to make any meaningful comparison.

I’d be very wary of your relationship and if I were you, I’d look at things with your eyes fully open.

Jesus, if the genders were reversed that would be rape. What’s wrong with you. He doesn’t consent to that. Do not advise people to ignore consent, men or women,

I can't believe all of these people using the withdrawal method.

It can't be enjoyable for the man. It's nuts.

Comments like this are probably why so many men bail and dodge child support.

Never, ever emigrate and have a baby. EVER.
Be very careful emigrating with a baby too.
GET MARRIED.

Havent read thread. Just wanted to point that out.Hope it is not relevant.

My goodness. There are some real entitled dickheads on this thread. Demanding medical and personal information, questioning OP's knowledge of her own body, rudely making unpleasant assertions about OP and her DP, desperately trying to colour the situation in a way that suits their agenda, whatever that may be.
OP, I don't know why some people are hellbent on willfully misunderstanding you or determined to paint you and your DP in a negative light. Just ignore them.

I understand what you're saying. DH and I have battled similar feelings at various points when we were planning our family. It's head vs heart. You both want a baby but you also both acknowledge that logistically it's not the ideal time. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be incredible news, just that the circumstances could be easier if you waited. My DH has now had a vasectomy because we both know that our circumstances mean another child would throw up challenges, but if the vasectomy failed and we had a surprise pregnancy, we'd both be ecstatic and we'd make it work. Being human is complicated.

However...whilst I don't think your DP is necessarily an awful condom-refuser who is going to leave you or refuse to commit, I do think that perhaps this arrangement is a recipe for emotional disaster. It's a "non-decision". Which is fine if you're both genuinely happy with that and on the same emotional page. But you're not. You are desperate for a baby NOW and it may very well be now or never for you. Your partner is hoping that you don't get pregnant but would be OK if you did. And although I'm sure he doesn't consciously think in these terms since you're in a committed relationship, nevertheless he does know in the back of his mind that he has no biological clock ticking and does not have any time constraints on his own fertility.

I think you need to get off the fence and decide whether your priority as a couple is having a baby together, or saving money on emigration fees. If you decide that the circumstances are important enough to risk losing the opportunity to conceive at all, then you need to genuinely be able to accept that. Not be praying for a positive test result every month and basically be on the emotional rollercoaster of TTC with medical complications all by yourself while your DP is just breezily "seeing how it goes".

Endometriosis is not a hereditary condition neither are most other fertility issues. You need to do some research.

Deliberately trying to have a baby that is unwanted by the father because you’re impatient for a baby is a bad idea. The baby is the one who will suffer most (although probably you as well) sadly.

"Unwanted"? Why are you inventing a narrative that isn't there? OP says:

In his own words, he would rather wait until we’ve emigrated and settled in the new country but if a pregnancy happened he’d be excited and take it in his stride

That's not an unwanted child.

It smacks of him wanting his cake and eating it!
I hope it all works out for you in due course, OP.

Well, withdrawal's a bit unpredictable, isn't it? I think on average women only have a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant every month anyway, depending on their age. So it's more likely than not that you won't conceive in any given month anyway, and then withdrawing makes it even less likely.

We did use withdrawal for a while but we were both in the same place (would rather not have had a baby at that point but were prepared to take the risk and embrace an accident if it happened). It worked for us, but then I don't know that I would have got pregnant in that time period if we'd just been crossing our fingers.

This all sounds very stressful for you, OP. I sympathise. I was ready to try before my husband in the end and that bit where you're waiting for them to catch up is hard.

This made us laugh a lot, I'm inclined to agree

My 1 year old was conceived using this method. I would say it took about 6 months - I have PCOS and only had 1 period during that time. I think it happened that particular month as I was on holiday and feeling really relaxed so try not to stress about it if you do want to get pregnant soon.

I get the first being a surprise, but the next 2 conceived in the same way could hardly be a surprise. Unless you are a little thick.