To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

Sorry but if you got pregnant 3 times from such a tiny (almost negligible) bit of sperm then your husband is bloody terrible at pulling out 😂

After having two children we used the withdrawal method for 26 years. I've still got two children!

I got pregnant twice using the withdraw method.

Lots of judgement on here. OP I understand where you are coming from. I have 3 kids now. Number 3 was a "we aren't planning but if it happens that's great!" situation as I also didn't want contraception (and it was OUR choice) but he was pulling out. I fell pg within 3 months. She's 2 soon!! Absolutely no regrets. That said I think we knew it was probably likely. My 2 DC were conceived within the same timescale from deciding to ttc, so we may be lucky with fertility. Did have a MC in-between though.

So I guess short answer is - it could well happen, but you know that, purely because there's no contraception!

Btw we had a registry office wedding when I was very very pg with dc1 with 4 guests. We also don't like weddings!! Best decision ever. Had a lovely mini break after. Job done. Been together over 20 years for anyone that feels the need to say something...

Wow how on earth is that rape ?

OP, you sound very immature.

If you do have endometriosis/infertility, you are very unlikely to become pregnant using this method. If you become pregnant, you are unlikely to have the problem in the first place.

Only move to this country if you’d be happy living there as a single mother. Once your child is resident there, you won't be able to leave with the child without his permission.

It's unlikely that you will have the social insurance contributions to access support. Will you be able to fully support yourself there?

Oh my god the people clutching their Pearl necklaces “but you’re not married how can you both be committed together and have a baby”!! This isn’t the 1950’s, you don’t need to be married to be committed and some people just don’t believe in it anymore! And that’s ok! 🙄

You both sort of want a baby but he doesn’t want to actually plan a baby for two more years. That sounds confusing and unreliable and a bit tricky on his part. Why two years ?

You are both already settled….own the house and have savings together and get on wonderfully, but want to wait two years to move and to plan for a baby. Again, why the wait ?

You have concerns that you have enough reason to be facing fertility issues once the two more years of imposed withdrawal contraception is up. He knows there may be fertility issues facing you but weirdly, he sees that as a reason to wait for two years. That doesn’t make sense. You should be concerned about this and know exactly why you have to wait.

You are both from the EU and want to move to another EU country in two years which is relatively simple and not like emigrating to Australia. You have already learned the language. It doesn’t take two years to plan and do the admin to move within the EU. Why not make the move now ?

If, as you say, having a baby makes the move from EU country to another EU country more costly, (does a baby really make that much financial difference if you are already comfortably off ?) why not move now, before the two year wait for the baby?

You have good career enhancement opportunities in the country where he wants to move to in two years. So doesn’t it make sense to move asap, get established in your career and then have the baby asap. Why put that off for two years ?

Everything points to getting on with your life right now, especially if your biological clock is ticking faster. But there is this two year wait problem that he is dictating and which you are only half heartedly going along with because you are already stressed about your fertility chances and can’t bear to use contraception. He must have a really good reason for that two year wait but what is it ? Are you only in your early/mid 20’s …you won’t say and that makes this difficult.

Don’t plan / hope for an accident OP. That’s foolish.
Instead, get to the bottom of his two year wait.

As for your wish for anecdotes, yes, trust me, it definitely happens, especially somehow when you don’t want it to.

She might be more sad to be 41 and childless after years of fertility treatment. We can't all have the fairy tale sometimes you have to choose the least bad option.....

We used the pull out method and didn't get pregnant. (The first one you described)
Granted we only used it for about 8 months before we wanted to have a baby, so it's not all that long though

Op I’m the poster whose story you don’t want. Similar history to you, knew ttc could be harder for me. Met and married young ish and had long open chats with dh from my early twenties. We ttc for a while in our mid twenties after some health issues - unsuccessfully tried for 2 years. It was beyond tough. Prelim IVF investigations. As a couple we agreed to take a break - no cycle tracking detailed shared, just back to us, sex when we wanted too, as we wanted too, withdraw and see what happens. Given age, life stages and openness withdrawal initially suited us. 3 years no babies. In the beginning it worked and was lovely to take the pressure off! But over time - DH remained optimistic, my stress levels rose each month as the time went on. The stalemate of open but not trying was harder to navigate than the open conversations about wanting babies and being emotional.disappointed about it. In hindsight we were both tying to hide from potential hurt and it wasn’t helpful.

Did a round of IVF drugs in late twenties, and started the next phase for me of getting pregnant but having losses (from early to mid pregnancy). We started to think about life, without our own kids. Moved countries, jobs, built a life as us. Stayed ttc but trying to let it dictate less of our decisions daily (if that makes any sense).

DC1 was born in my early thirties, DC2 15 months later (a welcome surprise, not TTC), DC3 2.5 years after that (was TTCing for this pregnancy since DC2 was 8 months).

From bitter experience, waiting to TTC is not a good idea if there are any possible infertility issues. I'd have a serious conversation with your partner about it, get on the same page and crack on.

My husband and I were using the rhythm method and I'm now pregnant

This is such a terrible idea. Clearly in your head, you basically ate ttc, only you’ll be doing a very half-arsed job of it and therefore, if you get pregnant, it will take some time, and cause a lot of upset for you, and none at all for your partner who doesn’t particularly want a baby (now? At all? I’m on the fence despite what you’ve said!). You’ll have differing reactions and feelings about this whole process and I expect will find the other persons stance upsetting and frustrating. Either ttc properly or don’t, but this is a terrible middle ground.
Also you ought to be taking folic acid really, for at least three months prior to pregnancy.

If you are ready for babies why not just nip to the register office before autumn, emigrate before Christmas and get on with it.

In my opinion, although I doubt it will be welcomed, if you aren't financially secure/ready to emigrate now, you aren't ready to have a baby. Once a baby arrives it is unlikely you will feel in a position to emigrate but I suspect your DP will.

Ah my DP wasn’t ready to have a baby and we were using withdrawal and I like you was desperately hoping it failed. This was a very sad lonely place to be suffering the disappointment each month and unable to share it. ❤️I’ve successfully used withdrawal method with 3 men over long term and then successfully fell pregnant quite quickly when actually trying. My best friend fell pregnant the only time her and her DP did it. I suspect that the differential has to do with the men, whether there is pre-cum, their ability to control etc I think you should talk to your DP again about the fertility issues. How important having children is to you etc

Op this is googleable. About one in five get pregnant on the withdrawal method, four in five do not.

i will comment though, what an odd way for you both to behave over something so important as bringing a child into this world. Very immature.

It all sounds a bit nuts tbh.

I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method?

How old are you?! The only people I knew that ever did the withdrawal method were 16 and stupid.

If he really wanted a child with you, he'd be agreeing right now starting TTC. If I'd told my husband that I had a medical condition that made it harder or impossible to conceive and really wanted a child, he would have never have dreamed of putting me through this sort of Russian roulette every month. In fact, we did deliberately have our second child earlier than planned after a chat with my gynecologist who said in a roundabout way that I was cutting it a bit close. My husband was a bit dubious about a second child but his first response was not that we should wait for two years just to make sure it would be more difficult.

The thing is you're both EU nationals moving basically across Europe, you're not migrating to New Zealand. How hard could one child be?

I'd also get a proper work up to find out just where you stand in terms of endometriosis. Parental fertility does not necessarily stand for much. My grandfather had an enormous brood - a dozen plus. My father after a bout of mumps struggled to conceive one.

7 years successful pull out for us. We now have a beautiful baby that was tried for when the time was right.

Your compromise sounds nuts and not fair on either of you. You’re clinging into hope that you’ll get pregnant because your partner is half in half out, will commit if you get pregnant but doesn’t really want a baby yet. Not fair on him because no doubt he feels pressured into it. It’s shit for you though because of the body clock, I wish men would remember this when they’re holding all the cards.

Like others I worry about the emotional impact this will have on you if you don't fall pregnant during this 2 year period. Will your partner be a support for you while you're disappointed? Or will he struggle to understand as you're technically not trying? Will you build resentment each time your period arrives that if you'd been trying properly that maybe that could have been the month?

Overall, if you're both certain you want kids, I also don't understand why you wouldn't start trying now. The sacrifice you're making (possibly having increased difficulty conceiving, worst case not being able to conceive) is far greater than the one he would be making if you agreed to TTC now (minor increased admin from moving abroad with a baby).

You say you have a really open and honest relationship, which is great. I'd be revisiting this conversation personally, as I really think this is a silly "compromise" if you're both serious about having kids.

It has nothing to do with the 1950s or morals. Marriage is a legal contract and offers financial and legal protections that living together doesn't.

Really he doesn’t want a baby - he’s future faking you

You do realise if it’s worked it means you aren’t pregnant?

the whole point of this, you’re claiming, is to reduce pressure. But it’s not. You’re still obsessing over falling pregnant. If anything this is cruel and frankly a bit ridiculous.