To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

Being more risky without the added stress of 'officially' TTC all sounds normal and also sensible, OP.

How would he feel if you weren't planning to emigrate in a few years?

No kids club today?
Fuckng grow up.

check what citizenships a baby of the two of you can access. If they can get an EU passport if born here, then there is absolutely no reason to wait.

As long as both parents want it, it is easy to move a child between countries. So unless your child wouldn’t get his country’s passport without being born there, the only reason to wait is that he wants to be able to keep your child there if you break up.

on that note, only move there if you’d be happy living there as a single mother. Because once it’s the child’s habitual residence, you can’t leave with the child without his permission.

And you don’t need to go to ivf after 1 year of trying. You can try for two years if you are about to emigrate.

finally, what is driving the two year wait? The earlier you emigrate the sooner you can start settling into your lives together.

lol at using pulling out as a contraceptive.

I'm from an Irish Catholic background and pretty much every one of my many, many aunts and uncles was conceived either by pulling out or the rhythm method of contraception. I know this because both my grannies urged me to use more reliable methods once I reached adulthood.

Read the responses from the OP will you?
there like “4” responses when you posted…

Do you realise the average woman takes at least 8 years to be diagnosed?

Many go 15 years before having a diagnosis.

Also, endo can be painless or asymptomatic.

Hi OP, I can see from your posts you really want this all to be ok. I know it's hard from this place to let yourself acknowledge something a little off and the potential implications.

He holds the key to you having a baby - something you really want and are focused on. He does not participate in this desire with you. You're focused on it alone and hoping it will happen despite his attempts to prevent it happening. Sex is a complicating factor and hope is a powerful emotion that can mask what's happening. I do see something worrying in the power dynamic here. If later you do have difficulty conceiving you risk very complicated emotions towards him about this.

Be careful about moving to another country and having a baby. It's not just an adventure. You don't know who your partner will be once you have a baby: it changes things unexpectedly. There's a hint of a power imbalance and being in another country makes you vulnerable. You won't have your network and you might not be able to go home if you have a child.

No, it doesn't work. And IMO, it's a very unsatisfactory solution in every way - high risk and low pleasure.

I’m sorry op I think your going to be on here crying when you find out he’s got the male pill from boots or Superdrug behind your back and he’s just said about the withdrawal method to give you a ray of hope while he lives the life he wants.

There is a risk of pregnancy but it is unlikely.

Do you actually have endometriosis? Just because some of your family do, it doesn't mean you have.

Your mum became pregnant easily enough.

Waiting two years seems sensible as you plan to emigrate and, unless you are getting on a bit in age, it is not that long.

This seems like it could be very stressful and difficult for you. You'll be hoping for one thing every month while your partner isn't. It's an odd dynamic and I think if you don't conceive you may really struggle with it. But if you do conceive id be worried about your partners reaction.

Withdrawal has worked for me.

I'm currently very pregnant from the withdrawal method. Last year I was also told I was infertile, due to my FSH levels. So this baby is very much a surprise!

Why are you so sure you’ll end up struggling with infertility? A lot of assumptions on your side I have to say.

The situation is basically that we both want a baby now but as I’m fairly likely to have issues getting pregnant he feels it would be better waiting until in the new country before officially TTC because if we start now and I’m still not pregnant in a year or two years, we’d be faced with the struggle of trying to decide whether to go for the NHS funded fertility treatment at the cost of delaying the move.

But you don't both want a baby now or wouldn't be using withdrawing method

It's insane to wait two years

She had a huge factor and maybe if that worried pay for a private app and find our if you actually have a medial condition that may stop you getting preg easily

DD1 is withdrawal method.

*age

Can't edit on app

Sorry OP, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but DH and I used the withdrawal method for years and never had a "surprise". I didn't get pregnant until we stopped using it and started TTC.

My concern is that this will be brutal on you emotionally. You want a baby. Every period that arrives will be a disappointment. Trust me, that gets head wrecking very, very quickly.

And he doesn’t have a clue. I think his reasoning and logic are sound. But he hasn’t taken on board the emotional weight of this decision on you. Which frankly doesn’t speak highly of his empathy skills or his concern for you.

If you cannot conceive in a few years time how will you feel? Do you think the relationship will survive the resentment? If you break up in the meantime will the time you’ve had together be enough of a consolation? What if he breaks up with you to have the dc he wants with another woman?

I’m aware I’m being completely one-sided here, but he is asking something huge of you. What is he offering in return?

I’m not completely up to date on the differences between marriage and civil partnership - hopefully you are, and also on the differences in divorce outcomes in different EU countries? I do know that marriage offered protections to women and children that should be carefully considered before dismissing them. And as someone who dreaded my own wedding, I still think there is something to be said for being willing to stand in front of each others family and friends and publicly make a commitment.

So I’m asking again, what exactly is he offering here?

You and I are at different life stages here and one of the shocking things about peri menopause is the clarity when oestrogen drops and your vision isn’t hazy. Mother Nature has us drugged up through our fertile years to overlook a lot of male shittiness. But in your case, the love gaze might work against procreation.

He absolutely should not have dc with you if he doesn’t want them, or isn’t ready. No one should. But stringing you along, forming this non-decision compromise, eschewing meaningful commitment, leaves you putting your fertility and mental well being at risk. Honestly, I’m questioning his maturity to be either a husband or father, but then he’s not trying to be either - just a boyfriend.

Ngl this all sounds quite immature and naive about the realities of TTC. So you want a baby but not the pressure of actual TTC with tracking etc.. and he wants a baby but not for two years.. so your solution is to do this halfway house that technically shouldn’t result in pregnancy (or at least will lower your chances) but you’re hoping still might?

What if you don’t get pregnant (entirely possible) - aren’t you going to think you wasted a full two years when you could’ve been trying properly? If you really thought your fertility was as bad as you claim, I don’t believe for a second that you’d want to take that risk. I suspect you’re on the fence because even though your relatives have struggled, your mum got pregnant pretty instantly, so you know that’s a possibility too.

You should get testing to see how both of your fertility stands, and then take it from there. I think you need to also remember that even with perfectly good fertility results, it can still take many months to get pregnant without assistance. Faffing around with withdrawal method just sounds like a waste of time. I’d either commit to actually trying (which you should both fully accept may or may not work) or just don’t.

To answer your question - I didn’t get pregnant from withdrawal. But first time ttc, both times. Sorry.

Fully agree with this. Im probably around OPs age, struggled to get pregnant (actively trying) and had no identifiable fertility issues at all in me or my family. It was a crushing process and the only real support you’ll have is each other. You and your partner need to be either fully in it together or not - otherwise it’s going to crush you and your relationship monthly.

Obviously if you have a quick “happy accident” then that point won’t be an issue.. but there will be so many other issues around his commitment, the move, the stress of pregnancy, etc…

The withdrawal method is likely to get you pregnant. There is 'ejaculate' as part of the process prior to 'full' ejaculation. That's why so many womeen in religions that forbid contraception still end up with hoards of kids

If 100% don’t want kids we are told that the withdrawal method is unreliable. That means it is possible to get pregnant that way.

@321user123 Do you realise the average woman takes at least 8 years to be diagnosed?Many go 15 years before having a diagnosis. Also, endo can be painless or asymptomatic

What on earth does that have to do with OP though? From all of her (presume her by the information given) information there is nothing to suggest endo. You could use the ‘asymptomatic’ for any woman saying she should try at 20yo as she doesn’t know if she has asymptomatic endo or not, which isn’t really how it should work🥴. The only aspect OP mentions is that some people in the extended family suffered infertility and endo, however seemingly not immediate family and indeed not her mum who feel pregnant first time each time on trying and her grandmothers on both sides obviously had kids so, it seems a bit of a long bow and probably a bit of a ‘thought I’d throw it to DH as a fact as men know nothing to try and convince him as a reason for something I want’ as opposed to any valid medical concern at this point., or likely at all.