To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

That poster has made their mind up no matter what I say. DP knows I’ve made this post and is curious to hear if others have gotten pregnant through the withdrawal method. The situation is basically that we both want a baby now but as I’m fairly likely to have issues getting pregnant he feels it would be better waiting until in the new country before officially TTC because if we start now and I’m still not pregnant in a year or two years, we’d be faced with the struggle of trying to decide whether to go for the NHS funded fertility treatment at the cost of delaying the move. He would laugh at that person’s posts in which they obsess over condoms.

Why aren’t you finding out if you have endometriosis though? This is partly why I asked about age. Also does the country you are moving to offer fertility help?

I wanted to hear anecdotes about how the withdrawal method worked for people, and felt it fair to provide context as I knew I’d get questions as to why I was asking

So he'd rather wait but is going to accept that you're trying to get pregnant?

I don't get it. The two year thing sounds like an excuse. Wanting to get settled etc is all nonsense. It's perfectly practical to move with a baby or child.

It really sounds like this is about a man who doesn't want sex to be impacted by condoms more than anything else right now. He's so anti condoms that he's willing to have a baby when he doesn't actually want one.

I'm not sure this is the best scenario for a baby or you...any issues post partum and I imagine he'll be saying he wasn't ready and felt forced into fatherhood....

I have had preliminary investigations, transvaginal ultrasound etc which has come back clear despite a few symptoms. My doctor doesn’t want to refer me for a laparoscopy, that’s a whole other posts.

@5475878237NC that's exactly how I see it too.

But apparently it's wrong 🤷‍♀️

And yes, withdrawal was very effective for years...until it wasn't. And then that wasn't the right time. There is so much more, but I don't see the point of spilling it all here, because emotions and lives are very complicated. So from experience, I think you just need to go with the option that serves you the best chance of getting what you both want...if you are on the same page. And I really mean on the same page. If you are not, you, as the woman will be left holding the (metaphorical) baby and everything else that goes with it, whether you decide to continue with the pregnancy or not.

This post has disaster written all over it.
The audacity of him saying he isn't actively TTC because he sees this method as a reliable one, yet if YOU were to get pregnant he would just accept it, i.e your fault.
Can't you see it?!
Why would you want a baby with someone now that doesn't 100% want one?
You're kidding yourself.
He needs to realise he is TTC now because he literally isn't doing anything to stop it.
His attitude is really winding me up about it.

This is quite unhealthy

The whole idea of withdrawal is NOT to make someone pregnant.

So he's hoping NOT to make you pregnant for at least 2 years, but you're hoping to get pregnant immediately.

Two adults on separate pages already, and that's without a 3rd party being thrown (or not) into the mix.

Your DP is being very immature and that's very unfortunate for you. You will either spend the next 2 years being constantly disappointed while he goes on with his life happily OR you will be dealing with a less than enthusiastic partner which will really impact your mental health and your experience.

When DP and I agreed to TTC, it meant we could talk about it properly, he went on a health kick, quit drinking altogether (the quality of male sperm has a very significant impact on risks of miscarriage and birth defects), was very supportive in my first trimester etc. I've had a shit shit shit pregnancy but having DP's 100% support has made it a happy experience. I wish you the same.

So this “compromise” you have come up with is that using withdrawal he feels you are not going to fall pregnant in the next two years and if you do then it’s an unlikely accident whereas your viewpoint is that you very much hope that it will fail? You are in no way on the same page going into this. Waiting until you move country to have a baby is just a delaying tactic on his part, given the vast amount of paperwork etc involved in any international move adding a baby to the mix will make very little difference overall.

I think you are going along with this only because you hate the idea of having to get caught up in a merry-go-round of tests and invasive procedures, If it turns out you do have endometriosis and difficulty in getting pregnant. This way you can pretend to yourself that you’re actually trying and delay really getting on with it, which you say is already a priority given your age. What are you going to do in two years time if you’re not pregnant – move country and have to navigate a completely new medical system where you don’t speak the language fluently?

I feel you’ve told DP there’s no chance of getting pregnant bc endo. And like most men he’s clueless and is happy to not have to wear a condom.

You said previously there had been evidence of ,menstrual blood’ where it shouldn’t be. You also said you had used condoms for years. Why, if you believe you have endo from the procedure showing ‘menstrual blood’.

Sorry, op, I think you think you want a baby, and areoverplaing the mysterious endo and kidding him unprotected sex won’t get you pregnant. Whereas you are hoping the opposite. You’re not giving your age because you know we will all say ‘fgs’.

Kids are fucking hard work. Work that goes on for decades and is fucking expensive. Listen to the advice here and hold on for a bit!

I think you need to get some counselling before you try to conceive. If you have fertility challenges it can be a long, hard road which tests even the most solid marriages, and if you’re starting out from a position where you would like a surprise pregnancy sprung on you so that you don’t have to cope with the emotions of failing to conceive according to your timetable, you are setting yourself up for a very hard time. I say this as a woman who lost a number of pregnancies (more than 5) and has no children, but does have a very happy marriage of 20 years and a lovely life.

Do you and your partner not realise you can get pregnant from precum which will be on his penis before he finally ejaculates. If he and you don’t know this I think you need to go read up! Withdrawal method is not a thing!

Either try for a baby or don't.. your silly halfway house methods seem very immature

If it's a lowkey civil partnership maybe you could do it this year?

As for a "whoops" more fool him if he isn't using condoms with a girlfriend who very vocally wants to get pregnant. Although as many have said healthcare might be better in a scandinavian country and I think you should be open and frank how much you want to ttc now and how the chance of an accidental pregnancy is very high with the pullout method.

I would be very wary of putting myself in a very vulnerable position of not being in a civil partnership with a partner who wants to leave the country and who doesn't want a child right now though. Xx

I used condoms in my 20s and when one broke I ended up with DS1. After that I used withdrawal for another 10 years or so and on the two occasions he didn’t withdraw I ended up with my next 2 kids.

Used withdrawal again for 10 years, mid 30s-mid 40s with my next ex and never got pregnant, although we didn’t often major on the PIV and spent more time on hands/oral,
so it was perhaps less of a risk than a lot of PIV and just pulling out at the last minute.

Now peri menopausal and 50, using it with current DP as I figure the odds are so low anyway.

For me withdrawal has been very effective contraception, no hormonal upheaval, no faffing with condoms which killed XP’s erection, and a better success rate than condoms for me! In your situation it’s a decent option as you are honestly ok with getting pregnant. I just can’t help wondering if you feel resentment when he pulls out if you really want to be pregnant. If so that could cause issues with your sex life over time. I can’t help imagining I’d been wanting to hold onto his hips to keep him in!

I don't think either of you is mature or sensible enough to consider having a child at the present time.

I know this isn't what you have asked but doesn't it spoil the sex if you have to worry about 'pulling out'. Well, I suppose you're not worried about it but does it not spoil it for him.

Haha this... got pregnant twice despite him always pulling out way before the orgasm. That's when I learnt about pre-cum. Must have been strong swimmers

My first child was conceived this way. Completely unplanned. I had severe endometriosis (surgically diagnosed). At that stage I didn't think I wanted or could have children. I was in my late 30s.

So why did you stop?

I don’t know any consultant that wouldn’t refer for a lap if Endo suspected, especially if they have seen evidence of that in another surgery. Why would you not push for it in order to get treatment and increase your chances of pregnancy? I don’t know any endo sufferers this passive about the condition especially when hoping to conceive. I speak as someone who has undergone a lap and endo removal, and is hoping to conceive soon. It’s a very strange approach.

This is the trouble essentially you are now TTC but making it very difficult. Therefore most likely you won't conceive or not soon and so you will get more and more stressed. If you are in your 30s you really need to be properly trying now to give yourself the best chances. It's almost like you feel you are more likely to fall pregnant 'accidentally' than by properly trying. And if you do try properly you might find you fall very quickly.